Survival

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Sorry for the slightly stereo-typic versions of my characters, I can't come up with anything better right now. Anyway, here it is, and helpful comments would be appreciated!

____________

Harsh wintery sunlight reflected off the metal of the huge truck as it slowly pulled out of the lot. In the front cab, two truckers sat, one of them reading a map and the other intent on maneuvering their vehicle out of the lot without crushing any smaller machines. If there was someone looking at them through the glass window, they would have seen their grizeled faces, poking out from under faded basebal caps. They might also have seen a rare smile form on the lips of one of them, perhaps because of some inside joke they were sharing.


The unfolded map on the lap of one of them suggested a very long drive ahead, through the wilds of Washington state. Their mission was to transport two tons of frozen ice cream cups to a school in Vancouver. The estimated time, according to the map, would be a day and a half, coming as they were from California.


They didn't speak for the first few minutes, except for the occaisional "turn left here" and the like. The roads began to get wider as they approached the highway, and soon they relaxed in their cab, looking at the scenery or talking to one another. The foliage on the sides of the road gradually began to change as they made their way into the depth of Oregon. The sun began to go down as the were nearing the border to Washington.


"Pull over here, I'm hungry."


"Joe's has good pasta"


"Fine then, you know your way around here better than I do"



Henry looked around the back to check on the status of the ice cream, which was still frozen, before puting blocks of wood behind the brakes and following Josh towards the sandwich shop.


After a quick meal, the truckers began to search for a place to make camp. Instead of finding a hotel, the two brothers usually camped out in the woods, with sleeping bags and the like. It was well after sundown when they rolled out theur sleeping bags and went to sleep under the stars.



The next day they quickly took down their camp and set off to find breakfast. Operating as they were, on a deadline, time required the to move quickly. They bought sandwiches for lunch, knowing that they would be in a rural area with no stores or towns. Prepared as they were, the two men set of on their journey. An hour later, they passed the border into Washington. The road had cleared out, and they hadn't seen another car for miles. Josh was driving, occaisionally looking over his shoulder at Henry, who was fast asleep. The sun rose higher in the sky as mile after mile flicked by. Henry took a turn driving. At about two o'clock, they called a stop to eat their sandwiches on the grasy bank on the side of the road, and to look at a map.


"We should have gotten there by now!"


"Relax, Henry, we just took the wrong exit, and I know exactly where we are."


The plant life around them rustled ominously in the breeze, and a twig cracked under some bush. Moss hung from the branches of huge pine trees, giving the area a slightly unreal feeling. Observing this, Henry, who had always been the mpre skittish brother, began to long for the relative security of the front cab of the truck. he wolfed down the rest of the sandwich, and urged his brother to get back in the truck so they could leave. Josh offered no comment, and walked slowly back to the truck, half-finished sub in one hand and unfolded map in the other.


Back on the road, all was silent in the truck. The gravel crunched steadily by under the tires, and there was a slight hum from the machines keeping the ice cream frozen. Suddenly a unusual jolt awoke Henry, who had been steadily dozing in the driver's seat. He didn't have much time to wonder what had caused it, for just then the entire vehicle gave a jolt, and jumped off the road before Josh could take control of it. A slightly sickening crunch came from the front two tires, and the brothers groaned silently in the front. They knew that they wouldn't be able to ge tthe huge machine out of the ditch without help, and they couldn't walk all the way back. Josh didn't even botheer trying to back the truck out, knowing himself that it would be fruitless.


"Might as well get out the sleeping bags, it looks like we are going to be here for a while,"


Henry just put his head in his hand, silently cursing the inner-workings of his transportation device. He was naturally the more optimistic one however, and was soon cheerfully whistling as he explored the damage. Both the front tires had been punctured, which meant that even if they could get the enormous mass of metal out the the road-side ditch, they would still have a hard time using it. THere was nothing to do but set up camp and wait fro another car to come along the road.



They spent the night there, always watching for and never seeing another car. The next day hunger began to gnaw at their bellies, but they couldn't do anything about it, having devoured all the morsels of the previous day's lunch. That day no cars came by, and by the day after that, they practically felt like the were starving.

They sat listlessly by the road, while snow began to fall. Suddenly Henry had an idea. He stood up quickly and began to walk around the truck. Josh, having nothing better to do, followed more slowly. Henry slowly swung open the back door of the truck, to reveal, along with a strong blast of cold wind, row upon row of boxes, filled to the brim with ice cream cups. A maniacal grin slowly began to work it's way along Henry's features. and Josh began to catch the drift of what was happening.


"Oh, no!"


"Oooh yes."


The ice cream cups never made it to Vancouver.
Last edited by canislupis on Sat Nov 10, 2007 9:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Okay. I haven't done this in a while, so bear with me!

"Pull over here, I'm hungry."


"Joe's has good pasta"


"Fine then, you know your way around here better than I do"


I was sort of confused with who was speaking in this part. You don't really introduce any real characters with any development or names until after this. I would have probably introduced them in this part. I don't know who suggested that they pull over, or what.

Anyway...

I like this part the most,

Henry slowly swung open the back door of the truck, to reveal, along with a st rong blast of cold wind, row upon row of boxes, filled to the brim with ice cream cups. A maniacal grin slowly began to work it's way along Henry's features. and Josh began to catch the drift of what was happening.


:) And then this,


The ice cream cups never made it to Vancouver.


Other than a few mistakes, it was overall a very... interesting idea!

On a final note, the only thing I can say is... Thank God for ice cream!

See ya!

CrewGurl
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Thank you!

Overall, this was not my favorite piece of work. :) Just kindof an interesting idea that popped into my head. Thanks for the review!

(Oh, and fro future reviewers, feel free to be as brutal as possible, I want to improve this. )




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:D
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Muhahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!




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This was really funny! Overall, I don't think it was my favorite piece of your work either, but it's pretty good.

I don't have any big corrections --characters, description, settings, dialogue etc are all good. You might want to make there be dialogue tags (i.e. "blah blah blah," he said.). But since there aren't ANY over the whole piece, maybe it was intentional and therefore you should ignore my whole ramble :D

There are a lot of spelling mistakes (tsk, tsk, tsk) which make it seem like you don't care about what you're writing (sound familiar??). Of course, it might just be because of your cast, but you really should comb through the whole thing slowly to winkle them out.

Also, I noticed a lot of similar descriptions... for example:

Operating as they were, on a deadline, time required the to move quickly. They bought sandwiches for lunch, knowing that they would be in a rural area with no stores or towns. Prepared as they were, the two men set of on their journey. An hour later, they passed the border into Washington.

See what I mean? You used "as they were" twice in three sentences, and you used it one more time in another part of the piece too, but I can't find it right now... And another one you use often is "and the like."

This part should have periods...
"Joe's has good pasta"


"Fine then, you know your way around here better than I do"


he wolfed down the rest of the sandwich, and urged his brother to get back in the truck so they could leave.

The first "h" should be capital.

Suddenly a unusual jolt awoke Henry, who had been steadily dozing in the driver's seat.

Firstly, it should be "an unusual" and secondly, as a general rule, try not to use "suddenly" in the beginning of a sentence. Try rephrasing: "A sudden and unusual jolt awoke Henry, who had been steadily dozing in the driver's seat." Maybe?
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I absolutely LOOVE the ending. It's hilarious. Maybe you should enter it into one of those humor contests?!

Overall the plot and characters are very good, but I think the grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes distract from that, so you should work on it :wink:

I hope this helps!
Please feel free to PM me if you have questions!



~Azila~




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Wow thanks, and thats a good idea about the contest... I'll just work out the kinks first...

This was helpful, thanks again.



sometimes i'm like "I should say something quotable to make it into the quote gen" but then I feel bad because quote gen quotes are very spontaneous
— theromanticchemist