Me

I wrote this about two years ago, near the beginning of one of the worst years of my life.

Me

You see a smile on my face
Think I'm great..
Not a problem in the world
but you Don't know me.

You see a smile on my face
Think it's truly me you see
But I've got news
You don't know me

You'll never see the smile fade
Never see the tears that fall
When I'm alone at night
You don't know me

You won't know the anguish
The torment inside
The thoughts in my mind
You don't know me

You hear my words
but can't read between the lines
You missed the tell tale signs
You don't know me

and it's safer that way...
You don't know me.

Okay, good poem with a lot of emotion. I liked that!

But - sorry, there is a but - the repetition of "You don't know me" bugged me slightly, because I found that it was too much. Also, you didn't need to capitalise the "Don't" on the fourth line.

Good foundations here.

Oooo... really good! I liked it! And I also liked the repetition of "you don't know me" it made the poem stronger, I don't think you really need to change anything - except the first stanza was just a little choppy.

This was really good. The emotions run strong throughout it... it even kind of made me sick inside (in a good way ).

Conventions:


You see a smile on my face
Think I'm great.. one less period would be good.
Not a problem in the world comma, por favor
but you Don't know me. don't capitalize "don't"

You see a smile on my face comma
Think it's truly me you see comma or period here
But I've got news :
You don't know me period.

...etc.

Basically, you need punctuation. Other than that, it was magnifique. (sp?)

i agree with the others, other then the puncuation, this is very good.

it sounds like you hide alot from those around you. people are never good with reading between the lines. a person should just put it out there. so others can have the chance to know them. not fair to hide whats inside, and be angry with others that cant see it.

it tends to make the person a very lonely one.

excellent job.

kim

hey

well done for sharing this poem. From the sounds of it, it means a lot to you.

It's exactly what I tried to write down on paper when I went through one of the worst years of my life, but you captured the feelings much better than me!

The repetition got old fast, especially because it ends up being a good third of the poem. What I liked was that this poem went somewhere: it began with (and continued with) the clear idea that the world simply cannot understand the narrator, no matter what (which, in itself, is a cliche), but ended with something that tied it all up: the fact that it's better for them not to know.

This is what breaks the cliche, makes it something original. Though I would switch the order of the last two lines so that the ultimate sentiment, the "and it's safer that way" is what the reader is left with.

However, the first five stanzas are so very teen angst-y that it's easy to become jaded reading them. Maybe condense them into a stanza or two that is what you personally glean from these experiences, not what you've learned you should interpret from them. What would be really really cool would be if you were able to subtly incorporate the why of the "safer that way" line into this first section, kind of like foreshadowing, so that by the time that line occurs, the reader goes "woah, why didn't I see that?"