What Lies Beneath Fort Secritie - Chapter 2

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 9
The doorbell rand a second time before Medley answered it. As she opened the door, her and her mother were blinded by the vipers headlights. Raising her arm to shred her eyes from the light and asked, " Hello?" , to the stranger standing in front of her.

"Hello there Mel.....er...young Miss. Is your mother home??" the man say leaning in ward so she could see him more clearly without the lights in her eyes. She nodded and looked over to her mother, motioning that the door was for her. She looked back at the man to be starring into his chest. She quickly took a step back and tripped over the door mat. reaching up instinctively, her hand meet with his as he swooped down to catch her.Swiftly raising her to her feet, he said," you should be more careful, Medley. You can get seriously injured due to.... clumsiness."

She looked at him and jumped back in disrespect. Turning to her mother, gave her a look telling her that she didn't like this guy and that she was going to make dinner. Her mother motioned for her to shush and walked over to the man in the doorway, who was straighten himself out from the rescue. "Yes?" she asked the man, pulling her hair back around her ears.

" There has been an accident at the labs today involving your office. We need you to come down to the labs and sort out what needs to be done. I'm very sorry to ask you at this hour, but its urgent."

"Oh I see....what happened?"

"Well", he started to say, looking over to see Medley watching them closely,"That will explained in the car."

"Oh OK...i guess," Rebbecca started, looking guilty at Medley ,"Give me 5 minutes to Get dressed and I will meet you in the car".

" If its alright mam..if could stay in here and have a word with your daughter. She looks concerned" He said quietly, but loud enough for Medley to hear, considering that he was looking straight at her. She quickly slipped into the kitchen and thought, ' Oh great, now this guys gonna tell me that moms not gonna be home for a "while", like I don't know.'

***********************************************************

The man walked into the kitchen slowly, as though he was absorbing the layout of the house and the surroundings. Medley sat upon the counter, slowly drinking the water she had opened. He stopped and stared straight at her. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke.

Reaching out a hand of welcome, he spoke, " My name is Marlvo. I'm the head officer at the FS Labs. You must be wondering why I have to 'steal' your mother away for a while."
She jumped off the counter and cheekily said," not really, mom was never home allot anyway." She looked over to him, surprised that he hadn't lowered his hand.

She looked at him with a questioning look, and he responded to her look by shooting her a 'do it' look. She approached him and took his hand. The moment their hands took, she looked into his eyes and noticed that they were turning a yellowish-red. She tried to release her hand but realized that she couldn't move at all. She started to panic as he drew his self closer, their eyes still locked.

"So you are the great Medley, I've heard much of you from your friends in New York. Good kids, too bad they aren't so cooperative" he snickered. Medley started to shiver and noticed slightly that around her and him was black smoke and it looked like it was swirling around them.

By now he had pressed her against the counter behind her,careful not to harm her. He pause for a moment and just stared, his glowing now orangish snake-like eyes and her lightened blue eyes. She noticed that it was becoming almost impossible to breathe.

" But carrying on, you should be more careful. Tripping over a rug?,Tsk tsk tsk. We cant have you stumbling over rugs if we are going fulfill the task at hand...". He was about to continue when their was a noise coming from the stairs, looking quickly towards the stairs, he snarked back at her,"Not a word, or she dies", then letting go of her hand and seemed to fly back to his standing position. She blinked then catching her breathe she almost collapsed to the floor.

Catching herself on the counter she straightened her self out as her mother came around the corner."Well are we going?" Rebbecca asked questionably glancing at Medley and Marlvo.

"Yes, we shall leave right away. Have a good night ....Medley" Marlvo stated as he glared at her, his eye color changed back to the sudden black-brown they were before. Glaring back, she started walk towards the fridge. As she grabbed the handle she heard his voice in her head, "Don't even think of telling her when she comes home, or your new friends. If you do tell anyone...don't be surprised if they surfer an....ahem....accident."

She snared at him in her mind. Walking towards the door she said good bye to her mother and forced a wave goodbye to Marlvo. Closing the door behind them, she quickly locked it and jumped onto the couch, watching them leave the house drive way. She continued to watch them till the back lights of the viper were out of sight.

She jumped from the couch and almost immediately fell to the floor. She caught herself just in time. Startled, she took a deep breath before even trying to get to her feet. She failed. She rolled over to her side and looked at her legs. they seemed to be alright. " Maybe I'm just tired?" she thought. Tiring one more time, she managed to get to her feet.

Hobbling to the stairs, she used what was left of her strength to climbed to the top. After what seemed like an endless journey, she reached her room. She dropped herself onto her bed. immediately she fell into a deep sleep, but her dreams were as bizarre as her day had been.
Last edited by mlofroth on Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:43 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 47
Hello again! I was excited to see Chapter 2 up and running. Again, you need to space out your paragraphs. I'm seeing big blocks of text. Your spelling and grammar needs working on too. Here is what I could find.

The doorbell rand a second time before Medley anwsered it.


Rand should be rang. Anwsered should be Answered.

As she opened the door, her and her mother were blinded by the vipers headlights.


Vipers should be viper's.

Raiseing her arm to shred her eyes from the light and asked, " Hello?" , to the stranger standing infront of her.


Raiseing should be raising. Infront should be in front.

the man say leaning in ward so she could see him more clearly without the lights in her eyes.


Should be: the man said.

She looked back at the man to be stareing into his chest. She quickly took a step back and tripped over the door mat. reaching up instictly, her hand meet with his as he swooped down to catch her. Swiftly raising her to her feet, he said," you should be more careful, Meldey. You can get seriously injuryed due to.... clumsyness." She looked at him and jumped back in disrespect.


This whole thing right here doesn't make sense. You're talking in two different tenses. Stareing is staring. Instictly would sound better as instinctively. Injuryed should be injured. Clumsyness should be clumsiness.

Okay, those were only a few on the spelling errors I caught. Please, go back and do a spell check before you post. When you have a lot of spelling errors people don't want to read your stories.

The Pros of Your Story: Overall, it was a very good chapter. I liked the stranger at the door. And I like how the mother works in a lab (all very good for a fantasy story). Your descriptions are also very good and your pacing is perfect. You also put just the right amount of dialogue in.

The Cons of Your Story: The spelling and grammar errors take away from your story. They distracted me all the way through. A reader shouldn't have to stop and try and decipher what you write. It should run smoothly all the way through. Again, do a spell check before you post and read through it a couple of times to work out all the grammar errors.

I can't wait to see the rest of this chapter.

Yours,
FlyingDream
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 47
Thanks for editing, now it's a lot easier to read. I'm still seeing some grammar and spelling errors, but not as bad as before. Read through your work AT LEAST TWICE before posting. You'll catch a lot. Anyways, along with your actual story.

She looked at him with a questioning look, and he responded to her look by shooting her a 'do it' look. She approached him and took his hand. The moment their hands took, she looked into his eyes and noticed that they were turning a yellowish-red. She tried to release her hand but realized that she couldn't move at all. She started to panic as he drew his self closer, their eyes still locked.


Oooooo! I liked this paragraph. It's cute with the whole 'looks' thing, but I think you could do without all the 'looks'. Maybe you could say: He responded to her look with a stare that said 'do it'. Maybe? I also liked the way his eyes turned color. Definitely good. I like this.

The Pros of Your Story: Your grammar WAS WAY better, but it could use a little work still. You kept me reading all the way through, which was good. Your dialogue was also very exceptional. Overall, this was a great chapter.

The Cons of Your Story: Okay, every time someone speaks in your story,you need to start a new paragraph. For example:

Reaching out a hand of welcome, he spoke, " My name is Marlvo. I'm the head officer at the FS Labs. You must be wondering why I have to 'steal' your mother away for a while."
She jumped off the counter and cheekily said," not really, mom was never home allot anyway." She looked over to him, surprised that he hadn't lowered his hand.


This should be:

Reaching out a hand of welcome, he spoke.

"My name is Marlvo. I'm the head officer at the FS Labs. You must be wondering why I have to 'steal' your mother away for a while."

She jumped off the counter and cheekily said," Not really, Mom was never home a lot anyway. She looked over to him, surprised that he hadn't lowered his hand.


There's more places where you need to do that, if you need any help, just ask me.

All in all, this was an awesome chapter. Original too (in my eyes). So anyway, I hope you find this useful and keep writing!

FlyingDream
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb



Don't let fear keep you from some amazing opportunities.
— WeepingWisteria