Flyboy: Immortal

Hi Mantis.

I believe I had already told you what I thought of this prologue so I'll repeat it here.

Firstly, your writing style flows very well and your descriptions, though simply worded creates a good picture in a person's mind. What this story lacked was substance.

The ideas in this prologue needs to be expanded more. You stated that the boy's father possesses the gift of fire. Well what is the relevance to it in your story? Why does he possess the ability of fire? Etc etc. Show this in the prologue, because right now, it just seems to be there.

The same goes for your characters. They aren't real enough at the moment. You have to give the reader more insight on them. Make us care about them. If you don't care about the importance of the characters, why should we?

I revised Fight or Flight with some more character emotion and thought. Do you like it more?

Sir Mantis wrote:“Daddy, why do you have to go?”

The child used his gloved hand to wipe his runny nose. Frosty air brushed against him, leaving specks of snow on his winter coat. He glanced at the dull sky and felt a longing in his gut. As a heavier gust of wind blew against them, he began to shiver.

“The police think I’m the one that made Mommy go away.” The father stretched his hands into the gap. “Adam, put your hands out.”

Adam did as his father said, but made sure his hands were a safe distance from his dad’s. He waited in anticipation of what was about to happen. His eyes squinted as he looked for any sign of embers. At that moment a small flame appeared between the father’s cupped hands, growing large in a few seconds. It was always fun to watch his dad play with fire, making it jump from hand to hand and spin like a twister.

“Are you ever going to tell me how you do that?”

The father chuckled as the flame started to twist in circles like a spring coil. “I’ve told you before, it’s my gift; I just make it happen.”

“Do I have a gift,” the boy asked with excitement.

“Maybe, but you won’t know until you get older. I didn’t find my power until I was a teenager.”

The boy watched his dad manipulate the fire for a few minutes in silence. It would pop every time snow tried to land in his palms, making Adam jump a little. Eventually, he became bored.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to meet an old friend and fly to our cabin in Alaska.”

“Why?”

“He’s going to help me deal with the police.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“As long as it takes.”

“And how come I can’t go?”

“My friend doesn’t know about you. If he did, he’d take you away.”

“Why?”

“Just stop asking questions,” his dad said with frustration.

“Sorry.”

They looked at each other for a moment and he could tell his dad was nervous. He turned and picked up his suitcase. By the time he looked back around, his father had already gotten rid of the fire and was smiling with effort.

“You ready to go? I’m sure Charlie and Helen are dying to see you.”

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So what do you guys think about it? Good for a prologue or no?

Whats this about?

I don't understand it?

What power does this boy have?

It does not sound Fantasy you know.

It sounds like a story about a dad who is trying to escape from the police abadoning his son telling him he has got powers.

In other words it is boring.
Has no action.

I think you should give this up and write another tale. Airboy how about that?!
E.g Instead of Flyboy try Airboy. It adds more effect. Say the names to yourself Flyboy and Airboy.
Which one sounds more cooler. If you feel I am taking your character away try Flyboy as a sidekick to Airboy e.g Batman and Robin. You will see soon enough what I mean.