Night Time Descending

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Last edited by Maybe on Mon May 23, 2011 3:50 am, edited 2 times in total.
Be the cartoon heart. Light a fire, light a spark. Light a fire, flame in my heart. We'll run wild, we'll be glowing in the dark.




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It's very good! :smt023
You do a lot of showing rather than telling, which is a very positive thing. It might just be me, but I kind of started drifting in the first paragraph and, even though it got a LOT more intriguing as it went on, the first paragraph should hook the reader. I think a good way to fix it would be to break up that really long sentence?

I ran through [s]those[/s] [the] woods, adrenaline pumping through my veins, pushing me on. My fear-dilated eyes searched the black woods frantically; the darkness having already engulfed the trees and were now threatening to consume me, too, in it’s everlasting darkness that could not be pierced by even the holiest of lights.

First sentence: I think that because you haven't described the woods yet, it would be better to say "the".
Second sentence: The bold words are the ones that I changed. And do break that sentence up a bit. I can't suggest anything because I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, so you'll have to work on that by yourself. :wink:

A mere shadow against the quickly changing backdrop that set the stage for our dramatic performance.

This isn't a grammatically complete sentence. What (or who) is the shadow? It is the thing that's chasing you? You need to specify... nice simile, though :lol:

Still waiting, waiting to catch me off guard [s]and… [/s]

Yeah, I'm not a fan of using ellipses (...) in literature, especially at the end of a paragraph.

Instead, I slowed more rapidly, which alarmed me.

You're doing a bit of telling here. Why don't you showus that you're alarmed rather than just telling it? :wink:

I heard the flap of its wings as it flew off in search of food. [s]Suddenly[/s] [and] I envied it fiercely in its easy escape, of which I had none.

That period being underlined means that I think you should delete it. --Oh, and try not to use "suddenly" at the beginning of a sentence unless you absolutely have to. :wink:
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Other than those little things, very nice! For the most part it was grammatically and spellingly (i don't think that's a word, but oh well) sound--not to mention a thoroughly enjoyable and creepy story!

The only major thing is fixing the first paragraph, which should be easy to do.

Keep up the good work!

~Azila~




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Suspenseful! :) I thought you did very well with this and I can understand why you won first place in the contest.

However, I agree with Azlla and think you should have a more exciting hook. You need to grab the reader and pull them in. Not just slowly bring them to the climax. If you do that, they loose interest.

Hope I could help!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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You have a talent with building up suspense. I liked that. You have some nice descriptions and derail, also. I didn't notice any errors, so yet another plus.

Good work. Keep writing.



i exist in a constant state of confusion so its ok
— veeren