Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions 1

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Thomas woke up and reached for his glasses by the stand next to his feeble bed. He had always considered his bed to be feeble, not because it wasn’t expensive, in fact it was the most expensive model thirteen years ago, but it always broke down and slugged to the floor at any sign of pressure. His thirteenth birthday was a week away and as he climbed out of bed and changed into a fresh pair of clothes he could not help but wonder if his thirteenth birthday would be any different from his past birthdays. His father David Pinewood had never really enjoyed hosting parties. He believed that friends cost money and therefore chose to live a life of solitude. His mother Chelsie, had died giving birth to him, his father had often described her as energetic and really friendly but chose never to talk about their lives together.

He began to head downstairs and towards the kitchen when he heard a familiar voice yelling outside. Grabbing his shoes and a snow coat, he opened his front door and saw what was creating the disturbance, or rather who was creating the disturbance across the street. He was middle-aged looked like he was in his forties and had a good haircut, which complemented his brown hair. Just like Thomas, this man had the same light to dark shade of brown hair and favored combing his hair in an acorn-like state. As Thomas peered closer he noticed that this man’s car had gotten stuck in the snow. It was no surprise, here in Athlone, Ireland snow was a common sight during March and last night was no exception. He remembered hearing the low whistling sound of the howling wind and seeing white clinging to the outside surface of his bedroom window. He approached the man and saw his brown eyes met his. “Here, let me help you,” he said gently. The man smiled at once, “ Ah! Young Mr. Pinewood, I thought I saw you but I wasn’t certain with all of this snow drifting around, until I heard your voice…” The man paused for a moment as if he were considering going back inside but then resumed. “Ah, m’boy, you really don’t have to help a man like me. I don’t want you getting a cold, and I imagine April won’t be too thrilled once she finds out you’ve caught a cold due to my error!” Thomas recognized the voice now that the wind was dying down; he had heard it last night against the howling of the wind and pondered whether this man been in the very same spot he was now, last night. “It’s fine, really.” Thomas said as he and the man began pushing the rear of the stuck vehicle. They both continued pushing and heaving and he was starting to feel very cold despite his snow coat until at last the car rolled out of the small snow filled pothole. He looked at the man, both of them were wearing a smile on their faces. “Have a…” The man interrupted him. “The name’s Mr. Bucklin, Henry Bucklin.” Thomas’s vague image of the man suddenly became clear. “You’re Mr. Bucklin! The man that helped my father get to his home after the bar accident?” “Why yes” he replied “the very same. “Why don’t you come with me inside have some of April’s hot chocolate, she always makes extra and I’m sure m’boys, William and Charlie would like to meet you!” He motioned with his hand to the different sections of his house as he continued to talk. “Please, I insist, I’ll let5 your father know where you are…” Thomas fumbled in his mind to find the right words, this was unexpected. “Are you sure it’s alright with the rest of your family?” Mr. Bucklin looked into his eyes and said, “They would love it.”

As Mr. Bucklin was leading him to his doorway he began to feel nervous, how would the Bucklins respond when he entered their house. This was all new to him, his father had always been a drunken man. Years of alcohol consumption had corroded his brain and now he mostly lived in a retirement home. He would sometimes call to talk to him as he had no other children but when he was at Thomas’s home he forbid him to socialize with the other teens. As the snow cleared and outdoor lamps became visible Mr. Bucklin turned to face him. “I hope you didn’t mind the long walk from the gates to the house, that’s just there to keep the Garden Gnomes at bay, pesky Gnomes!” They removed their shoes at the front of the door as Thomas built up his courage to ask about the Gnomes” “Blimey!” Mr. Bucklin said astonishment, “you’ve never seen a Garden Gnome?” “Well I have but, just, the ones that don’t, move, their made from plastic.”
Last edited by EliteHusky on Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello again! I think you have some good descriptions of the snow and such here but try not to info dump - most of that first paragraph is information that could be slipped in gradually later on. Also, a few suggestions -

It was no surprise, here in Athlone, Ireland [Shouldn't this be Irish?] snow was a common sight during March and last night was no exception.

“ Ah! [No space between speech marks and Ah.] Young Mr. Pinewood, I thought I saw you but I wasn’t certain with all of this snow drifting around, until I heard your voice…”

Thomas recognized the voice now that the wind was dying down; he had heard it last night against the howling of the wind and he pondered whether this man had been in the very same spot he was now, last night.

“It’s fine, really.” [Comma rather than full stop.] Thomas said as he and the man began pushing the rear of the stuck vehicle.

“Why yes,” he replied, “the very same. [s]“[/s]Why don’t you come with me inside; have some of April’s hot chocolate, she always makes extra and I’m sure m’boys, William and Charlie would like to meet you!”

“Please, I insist, I’ll let[s]5[/s] your father know where you are…”

He would sometimes call to talk to him as he had no other children but when he was at Thomas’s home he [s]forbid[/s] forbade him to socialize with the other teens.

They removed their shoes at the front of the door as Thomas built up his courage to ask about the Gnomes.[s]”[/s] “Blimey!” Mr. Bucklin said in astonishment, “you’ve never seen a Garden Gnome?” “Well I have, but, just[s],[/s] the ones that don’t[s],[/s] move[s],[/s]; [s]their[/s] the ones made from plastic.”

___________________________
Overall, I think the plots good and your characterization is developing well but you need to tidy it up a little and some of the punctuation could be improved. Hope this helps,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Hi there! Thanks for your review on my work, I thought of having a look at your work which I think is great. So, I will be reviewing you today, so let's continue with it...

Plot and characterization is good though there are some things that you need to check once again. As Kitty15 told you above the content you posted above is more like a set of information, if you read it twice you will realize that reader is not developing the interest in the plot from the beginning.
If you twist your dialogs a bit they will read better. Like...


His father David Pinewood had never really enjoyed hosting parties. He believed that friends cost money and therefore chose to live a life of solitude. His mother Chelsie, had died giving birth to him, his father had often described her as energetic and really friendly but chose never to talk about their lives together.


"His father David Pinewood had never really enjoyed hosting parties.", had is not required in this sentence it would be better without it.
"...friends cost money and therefore he chose to live...", I don't find any problem with this sentence but it would read better if you write it like, "He believed that friends cost money and hence he chose spend a life in solitude."
"His mother Chelsie, had died giving birth to him, his father had often described her as energetic and really friendly but chose never to talk about their lives together.", once again had is not required. Also, this sentence is a little awkward, it would be better like, "His mother Chelsie, whom his father often described as energetic and friendly woman despite of her habit of being quite died during his birth."

He was middle-aged looked like he was in his forties and had a good haircut, which complemented his brown hair.

"This sentence will sound much better if you write it like, "It was a middle aged man who seemed to be in his forties and had a good haircut." There is no use of writing "which complemented his brown hair."

Further in next sentence you need not to refer the country while describing the snow of an area. Otherwise you should use brackets tell others about the country.
He began to head downstairs and towards the kitchen when he heard a familiar voice yelling outside. Grabbing his shoes and a snow coat, he opened his front door and saw what was creating the disturbance, or rather who was creating the disturbance across the street. He was middle-aged looked like he was in his forties and had a good haircut, which complemented his brown hair. Just like Thomas, this man had the same light to dark shade of brown hair and favored combing his hair in an acorn-like state. As Thomas peered closer he noticed that this man’s car had gotten stuck in the snow. It was no surprise, here in Athlone, Ireland snow was a common sight during March and last night was no exception. He remembered hearing the low whistling sound of the howling wind and seeing white clinging to the outside surface of his bedroom window. He approached the man and saw his brown eyes met his. “Here, let me help you,” he said gently. The man smiled at once, “ Ah! Young Mr. Pinewood, I thought I saw you but I wasn’t certain with all of this snow drifting around, until I heard your voice…” The man paused for a moment as if he were considering going back inside but then resumed. “Ah, m’boy, you really don’t have to help a man like me. I don’t want you getting a cold, and I imagine April won’t be too thrilled once she finds out you’ve caught a cold due to my error!” Thomas recognized the voice now that the wind was dying down; he had heard it last night against the howling of the wind and pondered whether this man been in the very same spot he was now, last night. “It’s fine, really.” Thomas said as he and the man began pushing the rear of the stuck vehicle. They both continued pushing and heaving and he was starting to feel very cold despite his snow coat until at last the car rolled out of the small snow filled pothole. He looked at the man, both of them were wearing a smile on their faces. “Have a…” The man interrupted him. “The name’s Mr. Bucklin, Henry Bucklin.” Thomas’s vague image of the man suddenly became clear. “You’re Mr. Bucklin! The man that helped my father get to his home after the bar accident?” “Why yes” he replied “the very same. “Why don’t you come with me inside have some of April’s hot chocolate, she always makes extra and I’m sure m’boys, William and Charlie would like to meet you!” He motioned with his hand to the different sections of his house as he continued to talk. “Please, I insist, I’ll let5 your father know where you are…” Thomas fumbled in his mind to find the right words, this was unexpected. “Are you sure it’s alright with the rest of your family?” Mr. Bucklin looked into his eyes and said, “They would love it.”


Now this paragraph is getting little complex where most of the readers will loose interest. Even I was about to leave it as I reached it para. To be honest, I found this paragraph a little confusing so I will not continue to give a line by line review in this para.

As Mr. Bucklin was leading him to his doorway he began to feel nervous, how would the Bucklins respond when he entered their house.

Now here you seem to get back to the real story, but see you are not writing as first person so writing it like "how would Bucklins respond when he entered the house" is a little weird. This sentence after the comma doesn't fit with first person as well as third person, you should revise this one once again.
“I hope you didn’t mind the long walk from the gates to the house, that’s just there to keep the Garden Gnomes at bay, pesky Gnomes!” They removed their shoes at the front of the door as Thomas built up his courage to ask about the Gnomes” “Blimey!” Mr. Bucklin said astonishment, “you’ve never seen a Garden Gnome?” “Well I have but, just, the ones that don’t, move, their made from plastic.”

Once again, here you seem to loose the track. The lines are again getting a lot confusing, however, other part of this paragraph are better than above one.

Summing up everything I would say that you did fine but if you consider revising this piece it would be much better. Also, this story seems incomplete in the end. What you wanted to explain with this is still a confusion. May be you continue with this in next chapters but I haven't read them yet.

Thinking about your writing style there are some things that I would like to tell you. Writing in first person is preferred more than writing in third person. You can also integrate first person speech along with the description, that way the writer is able to express his thoughts well mannered. There are some things that can't be explained in the third person speech or description, also readers seem to loose interest in this writing style. I am not asking you to change your writing style completely but one thing I would say again is that you should revise it to make it better.

I will try to read further chapters as I get time.
Have a nice day...

-Chetan
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