Wide Awake in a Dream (Edited)

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This the edited version of a previous poem I wrote (see here). Thoughts on it would be very much appreciated. ^_^
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Wide Awake in a Dream

I.

To dream, and to know that You are dreaming,
opens a world where You are the alpha,
You are the omega, and unto none
must You answer.

II.

I was deceived, but now I comprehend
that the events of the past half-hour
rejected logic, and embraced chaos.

And as an actor, I played my part,
oblivious to the irrational plot,
and blind to the neon-lighted holes.

How was it that I could not see
that which is now so joyfully obvious?
The truth being: the horror was nothing but a dream.

III.

And now here I stand, a body within my own mind,
and all around: the dreamscape - a simulation, a world;
it is something solid, and yet not of substance;
it is something huge, but has no dimensions.
I am surrounded - by unreality.

But, upon the ground I see specks of dirt and gravel,
and upon that wall I see rough brick, eroded by time,
and upon my hand I see: cracks in the skin, the pores, the tiny hairs.
How could this be anything, but reality?

Yet, this is my hometown, and
instead of a hill, there lies a flat, endless road,
and where is the roundabout,
and what is that building there?

And, look at the sky! Golden syrup attacks
clouds of purple, a scene stolen
from the canvas of a surrealist.

But, despite the beauty, I can not share it;
the people I see walking are no more real
than characters in a videogame.

In this place, I am as the last human left alive.


-- Jonathan Hyams
I wrote the above just for you.




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Very well written! I enjoyed it! ^^
If I disappear, who will remember that I existed? It's a question that most people ask, isn't it? That if you fade into nothingness, you will become just that.

So, who will remember you when you're gone?




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I loved the original version, and I love this. Still Walt Whitman-esque. Very good.

I take issue with one stanza:
But, despite the beauty, I can not share it;
the people I see walking are no more real
than characters in a videogame.
I winced as I read this. It isn't a very strong stanza in the first place, and you might be better off replacing it entirely. Mostly, the word "videogame" bothered me. It seemed very juvenile and amateur to compare the people in the dream to those in a video game. The word itself is out of place. Your poem deserves a better metaphor and a better word!

-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."



The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)