Vampire Bite

5 posts
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Points 890
Reviews 9
Please, I'd like some good reviews. Heheh.. it was kind of random, so I don't expect it to be very good. I wanted to get opinions on it, though.

Everything's dark
Not a sound in the night
Until a swift motion
Shifts to my right

A cold touch of a hand
And I sharply yelp
A whimper I let go
With fright I yell "Help!"

Who could it be?
What could they want?

A female, I can hear
The hiss she gives
Her feminine voice
One who scares any that lives

"Please," I beg as a breeze passes us two
"Take my money if you wish
But leave me be, I beg of you!"

Alas, no avail.

A sharp prick in the neck
This feeling, I hate it
Burning pain washes over me
Uncomfortable heat like a blanket

Two fangs withdraw from my neck
Blood, I can feel
Warm blood being drank
Is this for real?

Within moments I'm numb
Unable to feel a thing
My vision fades to darkness
My mind begins to ring

My life flashes in my mind's eye
Death, I can tell is nearing
Now on the ground I do lie
Last edited by Kyuuketsuki on Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 4
A whimper of fright I let go
With fright I yell "Help!"

You used fright twice D; it sorta doesnt sound like it fits xP

Two fangs withdraw from my nice
Blood, I can feel
Warm blood being drank
Is this for real?

Huh? XD "Nice"?? XP

Other then that, I loved it^^ it was a wonderful poem, and I expect to see more greats from you Abby-chan ;P




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 26
Very wonderful. I honestly think it could be a bit more descriptive and then there's this:

A female, I can hear
The hiss she gives
Her feminine voice
One who scares any that lives

How does the victim know it's a 'feminine voice' from a hiss? And how does he/she know it 'scares any that lives'?

Just asking. ^^
"The Circle of Rising!" Alita shreeked while looking down at the circle with a seven-pointed star with a rose in it. The star's points touched the edge of the chircle while the rose almost seemed to drift in the middle. ~The Alchemy Child




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 51
Nice ideas but the entire piece doesn't flow that smoothly. You shoul go back and edits the piece slightly. Your meter is also needs some work, but once this is polished up, I'm sure it will make a great poem.
"There is nothing impossible to him who will try."-Alexander the Great




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
It was pretty good. It was a little bit short, and the situation wasn't clearly enough described to follow along. But, the parts thast were clearly explained were so with great detail.



HONK
— The Golden Goose