Chapter 1, Part 1

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*Borderline R-rating at the end

Chapter 1


I flipped the page of the magazine, loudly popping a bubble of pink gum and continuing to chew my way through the boredom of the summer night. I could be out with my friends, I thought listlessly. But then I remembered that I didn’t have any friends anymore, thanks to my Catholic, goody-goody parents. The few “good” friends I had I was forbidden to see because they were accused of “luring me into the arms of the Devil” (the exact words of my very religious mother after I came home at eleven one night smelling of cigarette smoke and aftershave, both of which I had a very well thought out explanation for, NOT).

So my punishment was a good session of father/daughter bonding, the word bonding put into almost literal sense, where Dad whipped me with his leather belt until welts the size of Texas formed on my skinny, white butt. The even better part was working at the closest 7-Eleven till three in the friggin morning every other night so I had no time to spend with my “Devil-worshipping” (another phrase straight from my mom’s mouth) friends.

There were a few things I did like about working from eight to three at 7-Eleven, though: 1.) I got to be away from my obnoxious family (Mom, Dad and six-year-old spoiled brat of a sister, Abby), 2.) I didn’t have to do the dishes, laundry, or take out the trash after dinner, and 3.) there was this too-cute seventeen-year-old high school dropout who took up the shift after mine. Tyler and I usually chatted for a minute while I bought a cup of coffee. Well, until I overheard a conversation by cell phone between him and this chick named Freesia. The self-centered beauty queen bitch already had him in her lustful grasp. So I drew back. I barely tried to start a conversation with him anymore.

The bell slung over the door sounded the arrival of three guys. I couldn’t help but be interested in them and looked up from my magazine.

Holy Hell! They were friggin gorgeous! There were two white guys and a black dude. Now when I say this, I mean really white and really black. The black guy had dreads and an eyebrow piercing. The brunette white dude had long, wavy hair and snakebites in his lower lip. But the most beautiful was the tall twenty-something blond with a dozen earrings in one ear. He stood out from the rest as the leader of their group, carrying a presence of confidence, pride, and danger. His skin was stone white, smoothly stretched over lean, sinewy muscles. As I stared, a cheetah came to mind. With those muscles, the blond was most definitely built for speed. He might’ve been a track star.

Sensing my ogling eyes, the blond turned his head and flashed me a crocodile grin, and a gold tooth sparkled caught the light. I held my breath and closed my eyes, counting to ten before daring myself to look again. I watched as the blond whispered something incomprehensible to his friends. They gave me the same, suggestive, toothy grin that made my heart beat faster.

As soon as I noticed that something was odd about the way they smiled, like they knew something I didn’t, I found myself pressed to the floor with my wrists shackled in stone handcuffs at my back. How had they crossed the entire room, avoided knocking down anything, and gotten me on my stomach in less than half a second?

“Scream,” a snakelike voice hissed into my ear. “Scream for help.”

I fought against the person, getting no closer to escape than I was before. “Get off my back,” I wheezed, getting that sinking feeling you always hear about and beginning to feel crushed. “I said, GET OFF!” I kicked out, hitting air. Trying to get away was no use; I was held fast to the floor, budging less than a centimeter with all of my struggling.

Suddenly, I was flopped over onto my back and my wrists were held above my head. I was staring into the insentient, black eyes of the blond, finding myself lost and dizzy. His sweet, even breath made my vision blur and a hot tingle ripple down my cold back. His fuzzy, perfect face dropped closer to me, tilting to the side, and his cheek eased against mine. The sensation resembled my cat when he would brush up against my hand, trying to get attention. Only the smell was a hell of a lot better. I was bathed in it, basking in it, drinking it in. The scent of his skin was my drug, and it had only taken a few seconds of inhaling it to get addicted.

His long hair slipped down to cover my face and I arched my back, pressing my body against him, trying to get as much of the scent into my lungs. God, they should make it into a perfume.

He drew his face down to my neck, sniffing, licking, savoring.

And then there was pain; lots and lots of pain.



*Critiques are appreciated [:
Last edited by xalabasteralienx on Sat Nov 03, 2007 3:25 am, edited 4 times in total.




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I sense a lot of anger here...And that's good. It means that I could relate to your character here and it felt real. Way to go! I only have a few nitpicky things, but the rest was fantastic!

But then I remembered that I didn’t have any friends anymore, thanks to my Catholic, goody-goody parents.


It was good that you said that her parents were goody-goody, but the whole Catholic thing kind of made it insulting. If I was Catholic (I'm not saying that I am) I would find it a little insulted to be called goody-goody. That's just me and my feelings. Try and lay off the whole Catholic thing, you could go: thanks to my perfectionist, goody-goody parents.

There were two white guys and a black dude. Now when I say this, I mean really white and really black.


Hmmm, maybe call the 'black' guy dark skinned. Ty not to describe people as white and black.

Suddenly, I was flopped over onto my back and my wrists were held above my head. I was staring into the insentient, black eyes of the blond, finding myself lost and dizzy. His sweet, even breath made my vision blur and a hot tingle ripple down my cold back. His fuzzy, perfect face dropped closer to me, tilting to the side, and his cheek eased against mine. The sensation resembled my cat when he would brush up against my hand, trying to get attention. Only the smell was a hell of a lot better. I was bathed in it, basking in it, drinking it in. The scent of his skin was my drug, and it had only taken a few seconds of inhaling it to get addicted.

His long hair slipped down to cover my face and I arched my back, pressing my body against him, trying to get as much of the scent into my lungs. God, they should make it into a perfume.

He drew his face down to my neck, sniffing, licking, savoring.

And then there was pain; lots and lots of pain.


Okay, I like this part, but it's borderline for me. It's so close to like a rated R movie. Okay? So I suggest that you give this a rating (if you haven't already).

The Goods of Your Story: You gave your character attitude! You made her so life like that I could almost see her standing next to me. You express your character's feeling very clearly (also good). You avoided info dumps. Your pace was really good (not to fast, not to slow). Your descriptions were outstanding.

The Bads of Your Story: Again, borderline adult. It got a LEETLE bit graphic down towards the end for me. Also, watch the whole white, black thing.

Other than that, I can't wait to read more!

FlyingDream
Last edited by FlyingDream on Wed Oct 31, 2007 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Wait, so they jumped on here and ... her in the middle of a 7-11?!
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Chapter 1, Part 2

I screamed. Far-away voices laughed like villains. But they didn’t know I was screaming just as much in pleasure as in pain. Heat and fear hammered through my veins. A red cloud floated its way into my vision and I felt myself gasp for air. The red cleared and most of the fuzziness went away.

Up until that point, I hadn’t been afraid. Not of them, the crazy Goths whose eyes sparkled with a hidden hunger, not of anybody who might come in and rob the 7-Eleven and rape me or some other insane thing mothers were supposed to worry about. But when my vision cleared and I saw the blond guy was wiping away bright red blood from his mouth, a pair of inch-long fangs visible through his parted lips. Crimson liquid dribbled down his chin and he was grinning again. The gold-plated tooth glistened, now plated with liquefied rubies.

Behind him stood the brunette and the black guy, inching forward, teeth and fangs barred. In all three faces, I could see greed and lust. An unnatural black had clouded their eyes, similar but definitely not as dark as the blond’s. The other two slid to the floor beside me, each grasping up a limp wrist.

I locked my eyes with the blond’s, pleading silently for him to have mercy and tell his friends to back off before they hurt me or worse. What I saw there scared me. Only a deep, primal hunger shadowed his onyx eyes. No pity, no concern.

The brunette bit first, but the pain was linked.

Physical hurt bitch-slapped me in the face and I screamed, arching my back and trying unsuccessfully to scramble away from it—from them. But I couldn’t move. Hot tears slithered silently down my face as I realized that I was going to take my last breath tonight. I could feel myself fading, feel my soul seeping out with the blood. I did what all little girls do when they’re scared. “Mom,” someone far away in another world murmured in a small voice that sounded like mine. It made the robbers—or rapists…whatever they were—laugh even more.

“Where’s your mommy?” a voice sneered. I turned my head to the source of the sound, whimpering and blubbering out salty drops. “Where’s that little whore so we can go drain her too?” It cackled at its own joke. Then my face was being crushed in a hand. “She’s not coming to save you,” it spat. “No one is. They don’t care what happens to you, you precious human.”

“Come on, Shay,” a voice farther away ordered impatiently. A whoosh of disturbed air slipped over me and the bell on the door announced their leave.

For what felt like a long time I slid in and out of consciousness. The pain was in both worlds, following me, chasing me. It was in my wrists and my shoulder. Something pungent and gross was burning through me, something unnatural. My veins felt like they were going to pop and spew blood all over the tiles, sticky from spilled soda. My fingers and toes were numb, my shoulder and wrists icy hot. Emotion, feeling, and memory escaped me. There was nothing but blank emptiness and pain. Pain is only temporary. I felt like scoffing at the words of my seventh grade militaristic P.E. coach. They’d never spoken more falsely to me than now. What if the pain wasn’t temporary? What if I’d live with it forever? Could I escape it? Could I forget? Then my wish-list appeared in the blackness.

I wished for Mom and Dad. I wished for their secure and loving arms to be wrapped around me. I wished for Abby. I wished that I could read her a bedtime story again. I wished that we could sit down at dinner and have a conversation instead of the silence and my hostility. Did they wish the same? Did they wish that they could have their daughter back, the one who looked for four-leaf clovers for days? Did they wish I didn’t try to be completely separated from their love? Regret poured hot into my arteries. Why hadn’t I listened to them, been a good girl? If I died tonight, which it really felt was going to happen, I would miss all of them. Would they miss me?

“Please God, save me,” I heard myself whisper, sobs bubbling over and racing to my chin.

That was my last thought. And then everything went black.

--------------------------------

The tinkling of bells drew me halfway back to consciousness.

“Brianna?” a concerned voice called into the emptiness of the 7-Eleven. It took me a moment to recognize my name. I’m here, I thought drowsily. The steady beat of footsteps vibrated through the floor and into my ear, first farther and then coming closer. Someone’s face blotted out the fluorescent lights.

And back into unconsciousness I slithered.
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

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Firstly, if you're not sure whether to rate it PG-13 or R, rate it R. That way we don't get complaints from parents.

Secondly, this piece is pretty powerful. The suddenness and the brutality of the rape is captured quite well. The vagueness of it prevents it from becoming too adult (which is good because if it was written that way, I'd take the story less seriously.)

What is off about this is that there is a lot about the characters personal issues, including the overbearing parents thing, but it doesn't seem to connect the character with the events. There needs to be a transition between these two things, otherwise it will trip the reader up.
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