Fooled By A Loved One

tricked and fooled
lies and more
how could it be so? we were so close
friends for life,but is it still so?
you know i got mad love for you,same about you to me
shoppin together...movies and more
always there for me, i knew till the end
there through the night when you were all alone
boys and school.friends and foes
so many problems, yet so many good times too.
and yet you tricked me. schemed to get your way
all for the good and im glad you did.
i never would have signed up till you told me to.
a good idea that only you could think of.
your my friend for life and i love you. hold you as though...
you were a precious gem.
young writers society...go go go!
you told me and told me but i never went
then finally i did through your jokes and tricks.
im thankful and i love it!
best site for me.

Rena_Luvs_All wrote:tricked and fooled
lies and more Try to make the beginning less "grocery list" sounding: instead of ...and...and... try something that flows more
how could it be so? we were so close careful on repetitive words "so" X2: it boggs down the sentence and makes it dull
friends for life,but is it still so? reminder: now "so" has been used 3X. And be weary on rhetorical questions. They tend to be monotonous
you know I got mad love for you,same about you to me Whoa...bad bad grammer. A definite no-no. You don't "got love" you have it. And "Same...me" is like...blah. Cross this line out and start over
shoppin together...movies and more you've already got "and more" in the beginning, so try to cut down on that. Spelling appreciated. "shoppin" is "shopping". This isn't an AIM conversation.
always there for me, I knew till the end try to abstain from cliche sounding phrases AKA whatever plays on the radio
there through the night when you were all alone ^
boys and school.friends and foes incomplete thoughts/phrases. What about boys and school? What about friends and foes? Also: again, sounding all to like my grocery list
so many problems, yet so many good times too. Vague. Try using some imagery to clean this up
and yet you tricked me. schemed to get your way the period is unnecessary. I recommend a punctuation handbook. Again: be wary of the overusage of "and"
all for the good and im glad you did. I repeat, this is NOT a chatroom. "im" is "I'm".
i never would have signed up till you told me to.CAPITALIZATION. Signed up what?
a good idea that only you could think of. What good idea?
your my friend for life and i love you. hold you as though... You're not your. I should be in caps. No "..." necessary as it follows to next line--->
you were a precious gem. are not were. You're in present tense ^. And again, abstain from cliched phrases.
young writers society...go go go! What? This isn't YWS! You said earlier that the person schemed against you and tricked you. YWS doesn't do that.
you told me and told me but i never went Told you what?! And it's "I" not "i". Went where?! COMPLETE THOUGHTS
then finally i did through your jokes and tricks. A person can't "do through". That makes no sense. "I" not "i". YWS has no tricks.
im thankful and i love it! You said "love" already. Try coming up with something new
best site for me.

I recommend scrapping and starting over.
-Evang.