Journey's Dawn ~ Chapter 2 part 1

*taken away for editing*

Okay...... you need to slow down the story. First he's leaving, then he's gone then he comes back, and it happense so quickly, we don't really feel anything for them. Give us more inbetween details, or make the 'goodbye' a flashback.

Okay, if these are best buddies, why are they trying to kill eachother? This really doesn't make any sense.

We don't hear very much from Anne-Marie, which makes her seem too emotional.

“Why does there have to be so much death, Kel?” he asked. He stood up and grabbed Kel by the collar of his tunic. “Why did you have to come here and ruin it all?”

This doesn't make any sense. Who is talking to who???

Well, that's all folks. Keep writing. ^-^V

Ah, lovely. That's the word! Lovely.

Fantasyartist wrote:A young brown-haired boy was deep in an embrace with the girl he loved.

Fantasyartist wrote:Although two years distanced Kel from the two, they were all fast friends, and he couldn’t have wished for better people.

Seth and Anne-Marie was distanced from Kel for two years before that? You didn't explain about this further. Sort of hanging.

Fantasyartist wrote:He dropped down, picked up his pack and slung it over his shoulders.

Dropped would usually be imagined as not having the feet on the ground anymore. I suggest changing it.

Fantasyartist wrote:He’s charging Seth twice the fare! thought Kel, outraged by the injustice.

Yes, it's a small letter.

Fantasyartist wrote:However, he didn’t do anything; he knew that Seth would disapprove and probably give the cheating fox even more in compensation.

Doesn't make much sense. What kind of compensation is for someone cheating on you?

Fantasyartist wrote:“I like you boy, there’s a seat free in the first wagon; it‘s the best one,” said the man.

Fantasyartist wrote:“Don’t cry, he said he’d come back, didn’t he. And we both know that he doesn’t lie,” said Kel, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

May I repharase with my punctuation?
"I like you, boy. There's a seat in the first wagon - it's the best one," said the man.
The semi-colon replaced with a hyphen is only a suggestion.

"Don't cry. He said he'd come back, didn't he? And we both know etc."

Fantasyartist wrote:It was likely the two great nations would go to war again, with or without their allies this time.

I prefer shifting "this time" to earlier in the sentence: ...would go to war again. This time, with or without their allies.

Fantasyartist wrote:A short obituary regarding the regrettable deaths of the Harrington family ended their hopes that he might be alive.

Harrington family? How come I've never heard of them...? Did you mention them in chapter 1?

Fantasyartist wrote:He only just saw the spell come at him from the corner of his eyes and dived to the ground.

Fantasyartist wrote:Raindrops thudded onto him; pushed away by the spell.

I don't get it when raindrops fall on him because of the spell. Don't raindrops fall on people naturally anyway?

Fantasyartist wrote:He quickly raised a deflection as another blue sphere sped at him.

Fantasyartist wrote:The air in front of him rippled and more raindrops were dislodged mid-fall.

Better description here. I understand now. Go fix the first description.

Fantasyartist wrote:What right had that traitor to blame all his misfortunes on him? Did he even know what Kel and Anne-Marie had gone through?

I understand you mentioned Kel so that the reader knows who you're referring to. It's better the other way round, though. Mention Seth, and Kel becomes "he": Did Seth even know what he and Anne-Marie had gone through?

Fantasyartist wrote:Kel drew more eldritch from the Winds and steadily began to push back the red lightning.

Oh, Kel can do some magic, too? I thought he was only winged infrantry. A normal human soldier.

Fantasyartist wrote:I hope no-one sees this, he thought and took his cloak out of his satchel. The storage runes sewn into the flap glowed as he drew it out and dimmed once again.

I believe a satchel is too small to keep a cloak. And I don't think people bring their satchels to war.

Firstly, it's not too clear why Seth would be so angry at Kel just because Kel punched him for no apparent reason. Kel came and ruined it all? The fight between Kel and Seth is a bit awkward. There's not enough concrete reasons as to why they're fighting and why they're feeling like that. You can add more there.

As for the flashback, at times you used past perfect tense and sometimes you used past tense. Keep it consistent in past perfect tense.

Hey, you said you'll work on the setting in the second chapter but you didn't! The next part? But I'm not feeling particular about it, so it's actually alright with me the way it is.

Hehe, it's funny seeing you using eldritch. I haven't heard of it before so I looked it up. You can say I'm more or less exploring it's usage with your work here. It looks right so far.

As said, I thought it was lovely. Now, now, where's the next part?

As always, hope I've been helpful!
Fye.

Oops, one more thing. With "bastard" in there it probably shouldn't be rated G. Just a thought.

Seraphtree-I can understand about not gettin git. You should read the fist chapter to understnad(in portfolio, the one not in parts).

Fye- Thanks. i forgot about the word. Chnaged it to PG.

Fan,

So I finally got to this. ^_^ Sorry for the delay! As always, a line-by-line crit will come first, and then all the impressions, and likes and dislikes, and whatever else I’ll come up with.


Quote:
Although two years distanced Kel from the two, they were all fast friends, and he couldn’t have wished for better people.
Unclear sentence alert.

Quote:
Raindrops thudded into him; pushed away by the spell.
Why the semicolon?


Notice how little I quoted ^_^ Kudos to you, my friend! But enough compliments; here goes whatever else I might have to say:


-> Awkward ordering of sentences in a paragraph. Well, in one paragraph. Or, to make myself more clear, it’s just… awkward? Okay, that wasn’t clear at all. What I mean is that you have a fairly short paragraph (three sentences - well, normal length) of which one is description, and then the second one seems to be linked to the first, and it isn’t, because it is to the third, and then the second and third would look and sound better if they swapped places, and then you could add more description if you need to the first sentence, making more sentences, or you could just delete that sentence and merge it with something else. Eh.

Quote:
It was a late autumn’s day and the road was strewn with golden leaves that swirled in the wind. Kel witnessed the scene in front of him with a sad smile on his face. A young brown haired boy was deep in an embrace with the girl he loved.


-> Repeating sentence structure. As in, I’ll take for an example the dialogue sentences at the beginning, were you have ‘blah blah’, and then ‘said’. E.g.:

Quote:
“You’re a great friend. You do know that, right?” said Seth.

What I mean is that you could split the dialogue, and have ‘said Seth, or Seth said’ in the middle. Just a little thing, but it really does make a difference! E.g.:

Quote:
“You’re a great friend,” said Seth. “You do know that, right?”


-> While we’re at it, emotion. Yes, you know that already, and everyone for whom I do crit knows that too, but anyway. Ekhm. Add more emotion to Seth in the sentence above (at other point, too, but let’s stick with the above quoted sentence. Later on you have:

Quote:
“Of course,” said Seth with a smile.

Now, that is better. You have a tag, not just: He said, said he, she said, said she. So, what I want you to do with this:

Quote:
“You’re a great friend,” said Seth. “You do know that, right?”


Noticing, of course, the split, add something to the tag. Perhaps there were tears in his eyes, or they shimmered. Give him a weakness, because, after all this is a big deal. He’s leaving her! Leaving! Leaving, I say! Show us that he cares for her.

I know that this is from Kel’s POV, but you cannot forget about other characters : ).

Also, while we are at emotion: The same goes to some other bare tags. Add body language, of descriptions of facial expression, etc., wherever you feel that the dialogue looks incomplete.


-> Scenes that were supposed to make me cry, but didn’t. at this point, I’m talking about the bye-bye part. I have a feeling that I was supposed to be overwhelmed by emotion, and I’m kind of not. So, in the re-write, make me. In character impressions, I’ll kill Anne-Marie, but right now, not wanting to repeat what I said in emotion: Make me care more! Don’t make it just: She said this, he said that, because I’m like: Okay…

Another one is when Seth suddenly comes back. That is so abrupt, so rapid. Now, don’t understand this in the way of me not liking that - I do, and I think it was awesome. What irritates me, is that I don’t get it. Seriously. What had he done so wrong?

I mean, nice, it’s well written. It is. But it doesn’t make me cry. It doesn’t make me want to cry. It doesn’t make me feel sad, and I don’t feel for the characters.


-> Characters. Okay, I already mentioned Seth, and I think I said everything that is possible about him at that point. If you have any Q’s concerning him, (or, of course, other) PM me. Now, I want to move on to Anne-Marie. Very pretty name, by the way.

Okay, but Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie. Does that tell me anything? Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie! (Well, the exclamation mark is a wonder, but, anyway). It doesn’t. Those are just letters. Black letters on a white piece of paper, nothing more. She says this, she says that. Well,

Quote:
At the mention of war, Anne-Marie went teary and embraced Seth fiercely.

Quote:
as she prayed in sorrow at the alters of both the God and the Goddess


Yes. That is a point for you. That is what makes me, a little, feel for her. What I want you to do, is expand that idea, that sentence, and make me feel for her more. Add more of such sentences. Show us what she feels! (That was to the first sentence).

A plus for you for the second, really. I want you to know that she isn’t flat. She’s just… there. The average side-kick. Now, I don’t want her to be an average side-kick. I want her to be memorable! Maker her so. I command you.

But anyway, what I wanted to say, the main point of this whole rant. Notice that it concerns mostly the first scene - later on I like her more - and that is mostly were I want improvement.

Kel. Kel is, I think, the strongest as a character. I think that has something to do with him being at the centre of attention, but still, if that makes him good, who cares. I really do feel for him, and he has personality.

I would, however, like to see more explanation in Kel’s word when Seth comes back.


-> The world. I still find that a tad bit awkward, I do. That kind of cam to me again at the mention of newspapers; I don’t know, maybe it’s me. I just don’t really get it all, it’s a mix of the past and present, and I don’t know which it is.


-> Times. The goodbye was long past, but I think it could have been written in a different tense, just to make it stand out more. I don’t agree with Seraph-Tree when it comes to making it a flashback, because I like it how it is, but I do think that it should stand out more as it being the PAST. Or, past past. Yeah, that is my knowledge of times.


-> Abrupt sentences that could use explaining and/or expanding.

Quote:
Did he even know what Kel and Anne-Marie had gone through?

Quote:
Maybe he had been wrong about Seth.

Those two, together. I know that the site of Elayna might have changed his mind, but still, I rather find his change of mind really to abrupt. Right now I don’t really see what they went through - I mean, Seth dead, yes, but I don’t care about that at the point when he thinks the first sentence, because Kel, at that point, doesn’t either.

The second sentence - that was just… blunt.


-> Ending notes: This was, in my opinion (don’t let me put you off by my rambles!) a very well written chapter. It was powerful, it was, but the point of my rambles is that it can be MORE powerful. You are a very good writer, which is why I am letting myself say all this.

Also, my main issue is the first paragraph. I don’t know… I just want to - stab - *cough couch* and kill *cough cough* it.


Okay, so that is the end. Hope it helps, up to a point. As always, feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. If I have anything else to say, I’ll post it : ) (As in, waking up in the middle of the night and: Damn, I could have said this or that…) Yes, well…

Cheers,
Esme

P.S. PM me when the next part is up! ^_^ And because I’m a lazy person - include the link, please. *^_^*

Hello, thansk for the lovely crit. I agree this chapter is pretty shaky, probably my worst one now I look at it. Sorry I've been so late in replying, as my title says 'Am at boarding school'.

Next part will be up once I've copied and pasted the corrections and tidied it up. I'm afraid I've shot ahead fifty pages without thinking of posting. oops.