Wings

I thought I was dreaming. The world seemed to change at a very fast pace, leaving me grasping and confused. The air had a dreamlike quality to it, like it was non-existent, and I felt like I was being smothered. I wasn’t the only one in the room. There were shadows that seemed to take on the shape of demons, dancing around me like we where children around a campfire. But they weren’t the ones I was afraid of, it was the dark figure that stood stock still in the far corner of my room, and he was very real.

I should’ve screamed I know, but something in its face forced the scream back to my stomach and held it there. It was the same thing with my urge to move. It was quelled instantaneously by the stranger’s intense gray eyes, holding me firmly in place. I’ve stood here for the whole of five minutes, and so has the stranger. In the light of the moon spilling out of my windows, I took in his face. Strong nose, square jaw, eyebrows arching beautifully over his almond-shaped eyes that showed warmth despite the cold symmetry of his face, the stranger looked surprised, even afraid.

Emotions seemed to make his features stand out more, making him look fiercer. Drenched in cold sweat, I struggled to find my voice before he could make a move, as it looked like he was ready to pounce. I was about to open my mouth when the headlights of a passing car swept across my room. Not taking my eyes of the stranger, I felt my heart leap up to my throat.

My pulse quickened impossibly, I was sure I was going to rupture something. My breath came in short gasps. I saw what I first thought was the stranger’s shadow when the car passed. My mind couldn’t comprehend but my eyes refused to deny what it saw. The stranger had wings. I hadn’t seen it before, but now that I knew what it was I saw it too clearly. The shock of seeing the black, satiny wings seemed to jolt my system back to life, and I reached back to my bedside table to grasp anything I could possibly throw at this creature, this beast with the face of an angel and the wings of a devil.

Out of the corners of my eye I saw the creature move, grasping at something behind him, something that could possibly end my life. My hand closed around the snow-globe and with all my strength I turned to hurl it at him. To my horror, I saw the beast already preparing his throw, but still I didn’t hesitate for surely I would die if I did so. The snow-globe flew across the room, and so did the something that it threw at me. There came a deafening smash, and I almost cried out in joy for I thought that the snow-globe had hit it.

I turned to look at my adversary, and stopped in shock. The very air seemed to stand still, and I could hear the cicadas no more. Across the room where the creature had stood, shards of broken glass too big to be from the snow-globe lay on the floor. The creature was no more, and in its place laid the mirror that I had broken. In my panic I had forgotten that I had a huge mirror in my room. I was trembling all over as I walked towards the ruined scene.

There were still pieces of mirror left attached to the wall, and in one of them I could see an intense gray eye staring back at me. I whirled around, expecting the intruder, and something hit the remaining shards of glass on the wall, shattering them. Pain shot up my back. No, not my back. Slowly, almost reluctantly I turned my head. I saw my back alright, but there was something else attached to it that wasn’t there before I went to sleep. Black, satiny wings.

Outside the cicadas resumed their sonnet.

WOW. I really liked this. I found the end a tad predictable though, like from the moment that he saw it was a mirror I knew that the intruder was actually him. Is this a prologue/beginning of a story? Because I really loved the idea and the style, but I think it needs more... like why he didn't know he had wings, for instance.

I should’ve screamed I know, but something in its face forced the scream back to my stomach and held it there. It was the same thing with my urge to move. It was quelled instantaneously by the stranger’s intense gray eyes, holding me firmly in place. I’ve been standing here for the whole of five minutes, and so has the stranger. In the light of the moon spilling out of my windows, I take in his face. Strong nose, square jaw, eyebrows arching beautifully over his almond-shaped eyes that emanated warmth despite the cold symmetry of his face, the stranger looked surprised, even afraid.

This paragraph changes tense. Before "I've been standing here..." it's in past and after that it's in present... Tenses are annoying little things, aren't they?

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. It did nothing to calm me whatsoever, if not only add to my fear and anxiety.

I don't understand this. If the angel-thing is his reflection, then how could one be smiling while the other is scared to death?...Or am I reading it wrong?

Across the room where the creature stood, shards of broken glass too big to be from the snow-globe lay on the floor.

Make that "Across the room where the creature had stood..."

In my panic I had forgotten that I had a huge mirror in my room, placed by an idiotic interior designer my father hired.

Take out the "placed by an idiotic interior designer my father hired." it is giving background where we don't need it.

No, wait, not my back.

Take out the "wait" it doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece.

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And that's pretty much it. Very intriguing concept here!

PM me with questions concerning the critique!
~Azila~

thanks for the feedback.it'll really help .hmmm.as for the

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips

, it was because at first the reflection looked afraid to the person, so the person was amused and unconsciously he smiled.weird i know again, thanks for the criticism!!!

Yeah, that's what I figured. I just thought I'd point it out to you, though cause that's the job of the critiquer.

Okay. I can see from this piece that you have a strong grasp on the english language. Maybe too strong a grasp. You were very wordy, your desriptions were heavy and thick, and you tend to stay away from action and dialogue. This kind of story demands a quick, brisk pace which doesn't feel like you're walking through a dream. This piece went in slow motion. Don't get me wrong, your writing is extremely advanced, but there are a few things you should know. Stay away from needless details and/or the excess of details. You're not shakespeare. You're not Dickens. The average reader would not pick up your story and want to continue reading because it is somewhat of an overload. You should try to write for this generation. Brevity is golden. And so are tight stories with just the right mix of action, description, characterization, and dialgue.

The cold November breeze drifted almost forcefully into my open window. I smelled the remnants of a [s]partially [/s]sunny day in the air, with the hint of exhaust engine waste. The night is silent except for the orchestra of cicadas playing in their opera houses of tall grass and [s]unruly [/s]weeds. Once in a while I hear the scrabbling of rats’ claws on the ceiling. If I listen hard enough, the sound of my father’s snores makes its way to my [s]uninhibited [/s]ears. All of these things registered [s]unbeknownst [/s]in my mind while I gazed at the stranger standing [s]parallel [/s] (next) to me on the far side of my room.

The crossed-out words are adjectives which should probably be cut out. The ones in bold should definately be cut out. Start your story with a hook. You want the reader completely under your control, at your mercy. You achieve this through conflict and punch. Setting description is neither of these and will kill the pace of your story immediatly.

I was amused by this. Wasn’t I supposed to be the one afraid? A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. It did nothing to calm me whatsoever, if not only add to my fear and anxiety. I was about to ask him what was he smiling

Okay. A couple things wrong with this. I don't care how well described his emotion of "amusement" is, it isn't warranted and it isn't real. No one is goung to be smiling "in spite of themselves" in a situation like this. They're going to be hyperventilating, as you descibe our unnamed hero doing in the next paragraph. Cut this out. It isn't consitent with A.) the emotions felt by the character in this piece and B.) human emations.

The stranger’s shadow was in fact wings. I hadn’t seen it before, but now that I knew what it was I saw it too clearly.

The underlined sentence is awkward and wordy. Just say "the stranger had wings." Simple as that.

I could possibly [s]hurl [/s]at this creature,

Hurl? Just say throw. Please. Use a thesaurus only when completely necessary.

Anyway. Keep working at this. If you chose to rewrite, remember "1st draft - 10% = final draft

-Kylan

Wow, I love this sort of abstract stuff. There was a copuple of tense changes, but the others have already mentioned it.
Very cool, but look for grammar and tense mistakes.
Charlotte

I must disagree with Kylan. The almost poetic wordiness is what I like and strive for in my own pieces.

So... you can simplify it if you like, but I don't recommend it.

Now I bet you're all confundled... Kylan says one way, I say the opposite


~Azila~

Well, if you have two opposing viewpoints, the subject is null and void. That means that, as of so far, you should keep the piece the way it is.

But think about it. When was the last time that you read a book that has been written within the past twenty years that employs your same writing style? Much less a book that is popular or has any readership. In my opinion this isn't "poetic wordiness", it's just plain wordiness. No reader wants to work for a story. I don't care if you use extremely long desciptions and truckloads of adjectives, but you ask anyone, simplicity - to an extent - should always be sought after. In my opinion, readers like Azila would be the minority.

-Kylan

This was good. Not my kind of thing, but I enjoyed it because it was a nice, little piece of smart fiction. Like Kylan said, the narration seemed a bit too dense at times, like you were needlessly trying to fill up sentences. This dimished the surprises and the action a bit, made it seem less shocking or exciting. But the... plot, or the story was a good one. I liked the twist. It was smart, like one of Borges' short stories-- which, by the way, has a style like yours which I'm not particularly fond of.

Anyways, keep doing your thing. Nice job.