Titanic Romance

A titanic romance that could never be; over before it even began. In my dreams you come to me and I pray for day to never come. For, once the sun rises and my eyes open, reality sets in. I see you for who you are, the good and then bad. But, when you look at me, you don't even notice I'm there. I'm as transparent as a window in your room that you look through, searching for better things. I'm a window and you're a rare painting. It hardly seems fair. When I see you, the whole room goes blurry and you're the only one my gaze can focus on. So pick up a paint brush and create my mural.

i really like this, it is beautiful. the only thing you need to do is break up the paragraph alittle.
great job , keep writing

kim

So pick up a paint brush and create my mural.

This seems kind of random; you go from "you never see me" to "pick up a paintbrush". Maybe a little bit more of a transition here would be good.

Also, I'm kind of confused; is this mystery guy/girl real or simply a figment of the narrator's imagination?

I like your metaphors, though, and you should probably build up to the whole "paint brush" thing, because I like that line, but it doesn't seem to fit just now.

~Deoris

There are alot of "pretty" phrases here, that sound good if you're passively listening, but if you were to look closer, they're really just empty words. And in something so short, you have to make sure that every word counts. "In my dreams you come to me and I pray for day to never come" that's nice; it's gramatically correct and all, but what does it really mean? Sure, the narrator might wish for night to continue so she doesn't have to face a world so unlike her dreams, without the visitor, but that's just a summary of what's really going on. See if you can continue deeper than that; explore the inner workings of the character's mind. Feel her anxiety as she tries to ignore reality. Personify or project her frustration at being invisible to this visitor.

"A titanic romance that could never be; over before it even began" sounds nice enough, but the style doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece. The changing of structure in the first phrase and the fragment of the second characterize it as something that is out of place in the rest of the modernly-structured sentences.

"I'm as transparent as a window in your room that you look through, searching for better things" I think you could rephrase to "I'm a transparent window..." to cut down on the distance from narrator to reader, but personally, I would go a step further and actually make her a transparent window, make that the subject to which everything else relates to explore how it feels to be looked through; examined, though never really seen. "I'm a window and you're a rare painting. It hardly seems fair." should be integrated into the rest or cut out completely as it doesn't connect with anything around it, or the poem in general. You shouldn't have to tell these things straight out; you should be able to show them through whatever else you write.

"When I see you, the whole room goes blurry and you're the only one my gaze can focus on" This line doesn't really mean a whole lot. It just sounds like a "typical" teenage girl thing to say, based more on media interpretations than in reality. If this really happens to the narrator, give something more. Show the gut-wrenching feelings of not being able to focus, the terror of tunnel vision. Otherwise, I think it should be cut, as it adds little. Better yet, it should be expanded, as this isn't easily done in one sentence, but as description in several.

"So pick up a paint brush and create my mural" This would be interesting if it were related back to the feeling of invisibility; as if the boy were to paint her like a window so that people no longer saw through her, but saw her. Almost like when you tape an X onto a glass door so that people don't walk through it (like the crows in the glass cleaner commercials on television)

A note on formatting: I'm not sure if this qualifies as a poem. Not only because it's in prose form [because I believe there are a few short poetic prose pieces that I would classify as poetry] but because this seems to require so much expansion that by the time that's happened, the elements of prose outweigh the elements of poetry.

There are bits of pieces scattered of good ideas here, but they're not put together. As is, there are a set of inconclusive, insubstantial sentences that don't do much as a whole. The best advice I've ever been given was a question: "What are you trying to say?" [both literally and figuratively]. At first, I was annoyed. I wrote it, I should know what I said, right? Apparently not. Because after I thought a little more, I looked at what I had written, and I really had no clue what I meant. So I'll ask you the same question: Do you know what you mean? Do you really know what story you're trying to tell? There's so much exploration that can come from these ideas, I'd encourage you to dive right in and ponder them, tinker with them for a little while longer. There's some real potential in places, for things to get wonderfully interesting, if you just let them. Happy pondering!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. And I see you've just joined today! So welcome to YWS; I hope you enjoy your stay! ^_^

-Amelia

I really liked your last line--nice imagery. Before I critique this, you really need to break this up into proper stanzas so others can understand it. It looks more like prose than poetry. I'd move it to fiction if I were you.