The Mustangs

The striking of hooves against the ground could often be mistaken as thunder from a distance. To the herd, it was a wonderful sound. At the front of the herd ran a brawny, powerful mare, Nightmare. Her lean muscles rippled under her sleek black coat as she galloped through the fields and her black mane and tail hung loosley. When she ran at night, she was barely visible to the human eye, the only thing that told you she was there was her shrill neigh that pierced even the quietest night's air. She was powerful and many lived in fear of her, but others saw her for what she was, a strong leader. She was graceful, and her hooves seemed to glide across the land. She lead the herd to the best places they graze, and the best rivers, lakes, and streams for them to drink from. Sometimes Nightmare could get a bit headstrong, but she never took things overboard.

Nightmare galloped at the front of the herd. The wind blew through her mane and tail, sending a cold breeze down her back side. On a hot summer day, the little breeze was perfect, it helped her remain cool. Nightmare turned her broad head, making sure nobody was falling behind. She spotted two chestnut foals starting to fall back. She neighed angrily at them, and watched as the shot back to their mother's sides in fear. Nightmare glanced at the foal's mothers, telling them to watch their offsprings more closely. She looked ahead, her deep blue eyes scanning the pasture before her. She sped up, the pasture she was hoping to reach was right there. Finally, after 2 days of running, they had reached the pasture.

Nightmare skidded to a halt, the dirt beneath her hooves flying into the air. She bowed her head to the grass, her mouth yanking the blades from the earth. The taste of the sweet grass flooded Nightmare's mouth, causing her to neigh happily. With in moments the whole herd was gorging on the lucious grass. Soon she would need water to wash down the grass.

Raising her head, Nightmare looked over the herd. She began to trot, looking for a water source. Her ears perked towards the sound of running water. She quickened her pace, coming to a stop whens he reached a small river. Bending her head down, her long pink tongue craddiling the water until it poured down her throat. The cool water was refreshing and it restored some of the strenght she had lost in the last couple of days.

After Nightmare drank enough to keep her satisfied for a while, she lifted her head from the river. She trotted back to the herd, going over to a group of stallions. One of the largest stallions walked over to Nightmare, standing at her side. The familiar sound of hooves beating the ground filled Nightmare's ears. She whipped her head around, none of the herd was running, where was this sound coming from? When she saw the source of the noise, she reared on her back legs, striking her legs out. The humans. They were coming on their tame horses, ready to capture the wild mustangs. As Nightmare looked at the horses the human's were riding, she recognised one of them, it was her brother. The humans had taken him away two years ago. Nightmare neighed her shrill neigh, sending the herd galloping away, but the human's were on their tails....

(I know it isn't that good, I just wrote it up real quick. And I bet I'm going to get a whole bunch of criticism on this piece of writing....*sigh* So hit me with your best shot. I will try to fix it as best as possible based on your opinions)

Wow. First off, I really have to say that this is reallly a nice piece of writing, and really the stuff I like to read. Also, have you seen my contest? The link is in my siggy. I think that this piece or a one like it would be a good candidate.

Now, on to the review.

On the upside, you have excellent description and I got a good sense of what was happening in my mind. I really liked the feeling that came up from the character "Nightmare". I could really relate to the horses feelings.


The parts that you could improve upon:
Some of your sentences are really choppy. I found a lot of sentences starting with "She" which definitely adds to it. With to much action, it starts to feel like you are listing the events, instead of describing the actions. Here is one example:

She spotted two chestnut foals starting to fall back. She neighed angrily at them, and watched as the shot back to their mother's sides in fear.

Notice how both sentences start with "She"? One other thing wrong, that I just noticed, is that "the" should be "they". I suggest changing it to something like:

"Surveying the herd, she noticed to chestnut foals starting to fall back, apparently [insert action here]. Neighing angrily at them, she tossed her broad head. They scampered back to their mothers in fear.

It doesn't really have to be exactly that, but you get the point Also, would the colts really be that afraid of her? After all, if they didn't like her, they could easily drive her off. I dunno, maybe just try to think about how they really would react in a situation like that.


From what I've heard, I thought wild horses lived in herds governed usually by one wild stallion. I could be wrong, but is your hierarchy a bit factually off?

The "wild and majestic horses running free and very happy, are suddenly taken captive by evil humans on tame horses that were once wild." Theme can be very powerfull, but it has been used so many times that for a good story, you are really going to have to make this your own, so it will be interesting.

Then comes the errors. There are fairly frequent mistakes, especially towards the end. I won't point out every little one, but if you read it backwards, you will probably be able to do it yourself.


One last thing I noticed:
In some parts, especially in the second half, there is quite a bit of info drop. This isn't a good thing, especially in the beggining of a story. Here is one of the details I noticed:

The humans. They were coming on their tame horses, ready to capture the wild mustangs. As Nightmare looked at the horses the human's were riding, she recognised one of them, it was her brother. The humans had taken him away two years ago.

Maybe have some information, maybe a time when she is trying to figure out what the humans are doing, or maybe she just associates them with evil. It just seems kindof odd, at least to me, to just say plain out that thats what they were doing. Now we also know that the humans took her brother, but there is nothing aruond that fact that keeps it from being info-drop. Maybe say something more like:

"With a start she recognized one of their horses. A hazy memory came back to her, and she knew it was her brother. Rage filled her, and she began to run, knowing that the herd would follow automatically."............ I dunno, its your choice. This is just my oppinion, afterall.


Other than that, you have an entrancing and attention-keeping story here. PM me if you post more of it, and I'llbe happy to give a review. Sorry for the length, and if i t got a little bit rambly. I saw your name and avvy, and it appears that I have met a third fan of my favorite animal. Let me know if you want to enter my contest, the deadline is Nov 10th. I hope this helps you!

PM me with questions or comments

Okay, I will try to qork on all those things.

I love this. Like canis said, it gives you a great feeling inside when you read about Nightmare which is a really great achievement. Canis also pointed out most of the mistakes, but not all of them... I will now proceed to try to find all of the ones that she didn't already take care of hehe.

The whole first paragraph was lovely and really sucked me in except for this...

Sometimes Nightmare could get a bit headstrong, but she never took things overboard.

It just seems like telling rather than showing, you know? Also, it's the only sentence describing her personality... if you could devote a whole paragraph to her personality, that would work a lot better.

Finally, after 2 days of running, they had reached the pasture.

I suggest, for this type of piece especially, that you spell out the number rather than showing it, you know what I mean? Like "two" rather than "2"

....And that's it for now. I'm kind of tired, so I might of missed somethings, but those ones I did get are the ones that jumped out at me

Please PM me with questions! And do enter her contest!!!
~Azila~

Okay! Thanks for the criticism, it will really help me when I'm writing future stories.

Oh and about the Stallions mostly being the leaders of a herd, I thought I would mix it up a bit, men don't always have to be dominant xD. Well anyways, it's fiction...

I"m writing the first chapter for this story, this was just the prologue sort of...

I see.

Well, it might be plausible, but I think to make it more beleivable, you might want to take out the part with other stallions in the herd. I think wild horses form too kinds of groups, either a "bachelor" group which is full of young males, or a harem led by one stallion. I guess it's up to you to set the circumstances of a female ruler.

Again, I can't wait to read more of this, and I'd appreciate it if you do PM me when you are done with chapter one.

Oh, cool! I have to say that I really liked this. I just love the name Nightmare for the MC. It was fantastic. The first paragraph though..it was WAY too tell-y. I know that it is just the prologue, but maybe you could put it in different words. Make the reader see that Nightmare was feared, and that she was a leader without straight out tell us. Other than that, this is way good. I loved it! Good job!


Off to read Part two!

BBB

To begin with the first sentence, you might want to think of a different comparison than horses' hooves to thunder. Is that there because it's really what you've always thought they sound like? Or is it there because that's the description you've always read? Either way, it's cliched, and it'd be better to expand upon. What other things than thunder are loud and rumbling?

Be careful of the description of Nightmare in the first paragraph; it'd be better to space it out a little more and only give the information really necessary; otherwise it's more of an info-dump than relevant. Similarly, it's unnecessary to come right out and say that Nightmare is a strong leader; the reader should be able to realize that from the description given throughout the whole piece. In fact, I think that the whole first paragraph could be taken out with little loss to the story.

In the second paragraph, if all the herd is doing is running to the pasture, and so much time is covered, it might be better to shorten the action to be contained in one sentence. Otherwise, there's not much more that's relevant. Also, the number 2 should never be substituted for the word "two" in a piece of literature. Or I can guarantee that it won't be taken seriously.

All in all, I'm not sure what the point of this is? Even if there is going to be more to the story. There seem to be two general plot points: (1) the horses change pastures with Nightmare as their leader (2) the humans come to tame them. The first part seems to just introduce the second, with little in between being relevant. As such, I think that the first part should be much shorter, and the second part should be what's expanded upon. Think: does every bit of action have either a cause or a consequence? If not, why is it included?

o.O Harsh much?

Yeah, I'll say. she does have a point though. I still really like your idea, but it could be developed upon more especially because this kind of story has been written before.