Untitled-Excerpt

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AN: Well, I don't really feel like rambling about how I got this idea so, just read it and tell me what you think. Also, I have this bad habit of writing really, really long chapters, so please do tell me if something is unecessary. The setting is still not finalized but, it won't effect the events...I decided just to post an excerpt because the chapter is too long!..

Lisa found herself in the same dark emptiness, surrounded by countless voices, all speaking at once, like bees buzzing right above your ear. She closed her ears and started running aimlessly in the void but nothing changed, it was like she was running in circles. She caught her breath and then she noticed it, at the corner of this empty space, a small light, a ray of hope. Filling her lungs one last time, she started sprinting to the radiance, the voices were getting louder with each passing second and she started screaming but her voice droned in the white noise. With one last scream of agony, she jumped into the light, after a few blinding moments, she was in a meadow. She struggled to her feet, her ears ringing from the cacophony moments ago, before noticing the full moon’s luminance over the eerie field of flowers.

Lisa cautiously started walking through the meadow only to notice the flowers were different, illuminated by the moon’s light, they were translucent. Lisa touched one and felt her finger go through the petals, she looked up, the entire meadow was covered with millions of tiny, silvery flowers. She shivered, and started rubbing her shoulders making her way through the field. After what seemed like forever, a soft murmur could be heard just ahead, her pace quickened to reach the voices. She suddenly stopped to see Jane and…Mr. Willow! Lisa gasped, thank god they couldn’t see her, she walked up to them and examined the man to confirm her initial allegation; it was Mr. Willow. Jane was adorning a white dress, cascading down her tiny frame. A pair of thick, angel white wings, hung loosely at her spine.

“Do you have to leave,” she whispered, the same sing-song voice reached Lisa’s ears. Mr. Willow turned around clenching his fists. He was wearing a loose black shirt, unbuttoned midway to reveal a long necklace holding a smooth, black stone, and gray slacks.

“You can’t be here Jane!” he growled through gritted teeth while looking up at the perfectly round orb reflected in his dark, chocolate brown eyes.

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! Answer my question!” she cried, grabbing his elbow and spinning him around to face her agitated expression.

“Yes, I have to leave, tomorrow,” his voice softening a little. She let go of his arm and started backing away, tears flowing freely down her rosy cheeks. “Jane, I have no other choice, it’s either me or they’ll send Daren. I won’t tell them anything, don’t worry, your family is safe,” he tried to reconcile but she wasn’t listening.

“And your telling me this today!” she was choking on her sobs now. “I expected you to leave in a month or so, not tomorrow. How do they know about Elizabeth?”

“They don’t, this is just precaution, a troupe of thirty are going undercover,” Observing her worried expression, he took her hand and placed it close to his heart.

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to them,” his tone was hard and stone cold, she nodded weakly while glancing at her hand, still resting over his heart.

“Do you feel that?” he questioned. She nodded; his heartbeat was quickening at an alarming rate: it was time. He covered his lips on hers and for the first time, tears fell down his cheeks as the couple cherished their last fading moments together. He abruptly released her arm and pulled away. His eyes were covered with a black sheet and his breath was uneven. He stumbled away from her, grabbing his neck, gasping for air. Jane took a few steps back; he looked at her one last time.

“Leave!” his voice emerged as a growl.

“I love you,” she whispered before her feet left the ground, her wings flapping rhythmically. Damian was clutching his chest, crouched into a ball, sprawled on the ground. After a few more moments, he let out a loud howl answered by a few distant howls. He disappeared behind the long shrubs. Jane gave him one last glance before flying away into the distance. Lisa started breathing heavily, clutching her sides; she had been holding her breath. Nothing was audible except for her breathing for a good five minutes.

-----

This is just an excerpt that I wrote, I tend to write out of order but I don't know where to place it yet. If you want to read more ,let me know. I'll post them as excerpts because posting the whole thing can be slightly overwhelming.....let me know what you think :)

--starry-night




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Very good. I only found one thing that needed fixing, but the rest was really good. :)

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! Answer my question!” she cried, grabbing his elbow and spinning him around to face her agitated expression.


I think it would sound better if you put: "Don't tell me what I can or can't do."

What I really liked about this was the whole romance thing in it. I'm a sucker for romance in fantasy novels. :lol:

I ESPECIALLY liked this right here:

“Do you feel that?” he questioned. She nodded; his heartbeat was quickening at an alarming rate: it was time. He covered his lips on hers and for the first time, tears fell down his cheeks as the couple cherished their last fading moments together. He abruptly released her arm and pulled away. His eyes were covered with a black sheet and his breath was uneven. He stumbled away from her, grabbing his neck, gasping for air. Jane took a few steps back; he looked at her one last time.

“Leave!” his voice emerged as a growl.


I really, really, like that. Also, your descriptions were good so I had a pretty good image in my head of what was going on. Congrats on keeping my attention throughout the whole thing. I'm excited to see more of this (actually, beyond excited). :)

Great job!
Flying Dream

PS: Awesome grammar too! Lol.
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb




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Wow, thank you so much. I'm so happy that you liked it. I'm a sucker for romance too :P....Oh and thanks for the tip, It sounds better with the "or" rather than the and....

Well, I'm writing more...the 'forbidden love' aspect is really fascinating and add werewolves and fairies into the mix to make it even better.

I'll add more excerpts..I'm just really nervous about adding the whole first chapter because, honeslty, it's really slow moving....

Thank you anyway..you're too kind :)

:D

starry-night




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My edits are in bold. Single words/punctuation in bold just means that I changed that from something grammatically incorrect. Also, I was somewhat confused because this is just a fragment. Chronological order is good. :wink:



Lisa found herself in the same dark emptiness, surrounded by countless voices, all speaking at once, like bees buzzing right above your ear First off, shouldn't it be above her ear? Also, I think that "beside her ear would make more sense. She closed her ears and started running aimlessly in the void but nothing changed; it was like she was running in circles. She caught her breath and then she noticed it, at the corner of this empty space I pictured where she is as an endless void, how can there be a corner in it?, a small light, a ray of hope. Filling her lungs one last time, she started sprinting to the radiance, the voices were getting louder with each passing second and she started screaming but her voice dronedI don't think the word 'droned' is a good word for here, mostly because it doesn't really make sense. Do you mean it was drowned out? in the white noisewhite noise is a fairly neutral, somewhat benevolent term, the noise you described is much more harsh, in the 'constant drone around her' might work better (or something like that). With one last scream of agony, she jumped into the light, after a few blinding moments, she was in a meadow. She struggled to her feet, her ears ringing from the cacophonyI like that word, good imagery moments ago, before noticing the full moon’s luminance over the eerie field of flowers.

Lisa cautiously started walking through the meadow only to notice the flowers were differentdifferent from what?, illuminated by the moon’s light, they were translucent. Lisa touched one and felt her finger go through the petals, she looked upshouldn't she look around to see the other flowers?, the entire meadow was covered with millions of tiny, silvery flowers. She shivered, and started rubbing her shoulders, making her way through the field. After what seemed like forever, a soft murmur could be heard just ahead, her pace quickened to reach the voices. She suddenly stopped to see Jane and…Mr. Willow! Lisa gasped, thank god they couldn't’t see her!thought should be put into italics or single quotes so that the reader knows that it isn't part of the storyline/narration, she walked up to them and examined the man to confirm her initial allegation; it was Mr. Willow. Jane was adorning a white dress, cascading down her tiny frame. A pair of thick, angel white wings, hung loosely at her spine.

“Do you have to leave?"she whispered, the sameagain, same as what? sing-song voice reached Lisa’s ears. Mr. Willow turned around clenching his fists. He was wearing a loose black shirt, unbuttoned midway to reveal a long necklace holding a smooth, black stone, and gray slacks.

“You can’t be here Jane!” he growled through gritted teeth while looking up at the perfectly round orb reflected in his dark, chocolate brown eyes.does he not know that Jane is there? The way you described it made it seem as though they were there together

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! Answer my question!” she cried, grabbing his elbow and spinning him around to face her agitated expression.

“Yes, I have to leave, tomorrow,” his voice softening a little. She let go of his arm and started backing away, tears flowing freely down her rosy cheeks. “Jane, I have no other choice, it’s either me or they’ll send Daren. I won’t tell them anything, don’t worry, your family is safe,” he tried to reconcile but she wasn’t listening.

“And you're telling me this today!” she was choking on her sobs now. “I expected you to leave in a month or so, not tomorrow. How do they know about Elizabeth?”

“They don’t, this is just precaution, a troupe of thirty are going undercover,” Observing her worried expression, he took her hand and placed it close to his heart.

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to them,” his tone was hard and stone cold, she nodded weakly while glancing at her hand, still resting over his heart.

“Do you feel that?” he questioned. She nodded; his heartbeat was quickening at an alarming rate: it was time. He covered his lips on hers and for the first time, tears fell down his cheeks as the couple cherished their last fading moments together. He abruptly released her arm and pulled away. His eyes were covered with a black sheet and his breath was uneven. He stumbled away from her, grabbing his neck, gasping for air. Jane took a few steps back; he looked at her one last time.

“Leave!” his voice emerged as a growl.

“I love you,” she whispered before her feet left the ground, her wings flapping rhythmically. Damian was clutching his chest, crouched into a ball, sprawled on the groundhow can you be crouched and sprawled on the ground?. After a few more moments, he let out a loud howl answered by a few distant howls. He disappeared behind the long shrubs. Jane gave him one last glance before flying away into the distance. Lisa started breathing heavily, clutching her sides; she had been holding her breath. Nothing was audible except for her breathing for a good five minutes.

I would definitely like to hear more. PM me with any questions about my edits or responses to my comments, thanks! Oh, and when you've written more!
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.



The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they.
— TheMythMaster