Journey's in Gaia - Prologue

This story is my current work and it is very far into it. This story is very complex and has a lot of hidden meanings and notes within. Hope you guys catch them, disecting this is going to be REALLY hard, but read inbetween the lines alot if you want to have some fun.



[pre]
Prologue

A torrent of rain fell from the heavens on the coldest night of the year, as a lone carriage clawed its way through mud and gravel in the blackest of nights towards a mansion high upon the cliffs. Great beasts with manes of crimson fur and eyes of burning hellfire, pulling onwards up the steep and treacherous trail. Whipped with fury by a shrouded driver, the beasts shrieks were drown in the rain. Through sheer determination created by the driver's whipping the carriage finally reached the mansion and came to a quick forceful halt.

The carriage door swung out and a black umbrella proceeded a man dressed in crimson robes that were as dark as blood itself. Long black hair draped down past his shoulders, wild and free in the wind, but never obscuring his strong stern face. Merciless, cold and stalwart came to mind even with a simple glance. Intimidating and imposing the man carried his own air and immense will. Even as he crossed onto the cobblestone pathway the wind itself tamed, allowing the man to enter mansion with ease. A simple press of the latch and a gentle push opened the heavy wooden door, beckoning him inside with a soft creak.

From within the smell of flowers assaulted the his senses, but not of ordinary roses or lilacs. Strange sweet smells of the exotic names from far off places that even a king would never know existed. Such luxary was exhibited in only the Guild, even ordinary scents of plum and mulberry paled in comparison to the scent of this wonderful synthesis. From the darkness a soft effeminate voice called out, "Lord Pencharmer, don't flare your nostrils in offense, amrita and ambrosia are things to be savored."

Pencharmer nodded softly and brushed back his long hair. Eyes becoming attuned to the darkness, the outline of a man in pure white robes became visible, but still obscured by the shrouds of darkness that reign within the mansion. From within his pocket the man pulled a watch and examined it carefully.

"Just shy of midnight, you are early. Perhaps you'd like some ambrosia until our guest arrives." continued the effeminate voice.

"My lord, Count Fahd. Who is this other guest?"

Count Fahd giggled softly, "A replacement."

Pencharmer's burning eyes narrowed upon the childlike figure that stood before him. Never to age, never to wither and die, the Count was an immortal placed by the Goddess to oversee the world. A hand reached towards his breast pocket, but not of his own. The soft and supple hand of the Count had extended and pulled free the pistol hidden within.

"It's been twenty years you know." mused the Count who ran his soft ghostly white fingers over the chamber of the gun and towards the shaft.

"This is the end isn't it? All these years to be cast away as nothing!?" roared Pencharmer.

Fahd's swirling blue eyes gazed into Pencharmer's, woeful and full of sadness reflected in his fragile expression. As a figure approached from behind Pencharmer the soft aura and potent amrita once more assaulted his adjusting senses. The figure behind him continued forward silently and wore the same white robes of Count Fahd.

As Count Fahd turned away from Pencharmer he placed the pistol down upon a table with a soft clang, "My replacement is Count Ortis. Respect him as you did me."

"Replacement! You served my grandfather and established Blackfall to what it is today! What is the--"

"Silence. It is the wish of the Goddess! None may argue her will."

A growled came from deep within Pencharmer, unlike that of a dog or feral beast ready to attack, courage created from fear and confusion barked orders towards the true ruler of Blackfall, "Tell me why! I must know!"

Count Ortis shook his head, "Father, do not even consider-"

Suddenly as if it manifested from nothingness the tip of a spear shot forth from Fahd's hand and pointed at his own son's throat, "Death is nigh, I will bend one rule to follow another. Such things you must know."

"Yes, father. Thank you." Count Ortis quickly said as he nodded his head in thanks.

The spear swung back and connected with a candle opera on the table. A flurry of sparks ignited the oil and they burst into flame immediately. Dim light illuminated the room as fifteen candles burned brightly, shadows jumped and leaped around the room.

"Count Magnus is dead, killed by Count Cadeus in Guild battle." started Fahd, quickly snuffing out the twelfth flame in succession. "During the course of the battle Count Cadeus released his weapon without his approval and killed Count Magnus in a gruesome and vile manner. As retribution for my fallen brother, I moved for his punishment, but only found a duel."

He gave a great sigh before continuing, "Count Cadeus has set his sight upon me, may my son not make the same mistake I did." And with that Fahd snuffed out the fourteenth candle.

Pencharmer nodded softly, grimly dissecting Fahd's true message within the message, "I wish it. My daughter will not know it will be the last time she sets eyes upon you, but I assure you her heart will die with you."

Fahd chuckled, "It has been an honor, my friend. The festival shall be my last night in this world, but I would not have it any other way. Death has taken to my side and lies with me, but I do not fear her. For this is the nature of all things; I found peace in it."

Count Ortis nodded his head, "I shall take up the spear and carry on our family until my death comes as well."

"And may it last for many years!" added Count Fahd.

"And may it last for many years." Lord Pencharmer repeated, smiling at Count Fahd wickedly.

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It's good, but some sentences don't make sense, like this one...
ex:
Great beasts with manes of crimson fur and eyes of burning hellfire onwards up the steep and treacherous trail.

I don't know if you meant to say that they were pulling the carriage or something, because it just says 'onwards'.

Yes they are. I thought that saying that they would be pulling the carriage is bit awkward and insulting to the reader as the only subject in the entire paragraph is the carriage. Typically carriages are pulled by horses, but I didn't want to be bland. You'll find a lot of things in there that are going to be considered as obvious which are not stated specifically when dealing with 'lesser details'.

Keep reading, cause I know you are not done yet.

Edit: I fixed it, found a spelling error that microsoft word didn't get. I don't have a grammar one as well... so it didn't get it. Good catch. Sorry about that. Some of my sentances are a bit weirdly written.

Commas. You have to work on your comma usage. You have commas in places they shouldn't be, and then you switch tenses right in the middle of the sentence. Example:

Great beasts with manes of crimson fur and eyes of burning hellfire, pulling onwards up the steep and treacherous trail.

You can't start with the middle of one sentenec and then switch the tenses for the other half -- it's confusing and it doesn't look artful, if that was even what you were going for. A suggested alternative (one that would be grammatically correct):

Great beasts with manes of crimson fur and eyes of burning hellfire pulled onward up the steep and treacherous trail.

Note that I didn't change the way you wrote it, or change your style in any way -- all I did was remove the comma and change the tenses. You do this quite often, so my advice would be to go back and reread everything.

Intimidating and imposing the man carried his own air and immense will.

Now you've gone and forgotten your comma. Add a comma after "imposing" and the sentence should at least flow better, though I have a problem with the second half. I know what you were intending to say, but "his own" makes it very awkward. Try replacing "his own" with "an" as well as replacing "and" with "of" and it will flow nicer for you.

Intimidating and imposing, the man carried an air of immense will.

You see what I mean?

Strange sweet smells of the exotic names from far off places that even a king would never know existed.

You've lost the meaning of this sentence. You started off brilliantly but then you started over-describing it, and it died. First, it's a fragment; you started in the middle again. Then you say "of the exotic names" which is just confusing -- if you'd said "of the exotic, far off places" or "with exotic names from far off places" it would have made sense. Moreover, you start talking about what a king would or wouldn't know -- not to be rude, but who really cares? This is a useless bit of information here, and it makes your sentence useless, too. You do this a lot. The first paragraph especially is inundated with these turgid descriptions of yours; go back and reread your chapter, and cut out anything that doesn't pertain DIRECTLY to the object at hand.

From within his pocket the man pulled a watch and examined it carefully.

If you were referring to Pencharmer, call him Pencharmer. Otherwise, it looks like you're referring to the man in pure white robes. Be careful about your pronoun usage.

Pencharmer nodded softly and brushed back his long hair.

This is an example of exactly what you should be doing consistently. Good job!


I liked it, over all, but the mistakes made it too awkward for me to really get into it. As you say ... I hold no quarter.

~aisho

Alright there, Errant? ^_^

I’ve got a spare few minutes, so I’ll go over and give you my thoughts and opinions on this.

First off: your title. At the moment, it means ‘Journey is in Gaia’. Unless this is a piece of wordplay, I think you actually meant ‘Journeys in Gaia’.

A torrent of rain fell from the heavens on the coldest night of the year,

Whenever I read a story that opens with a description of the weather - especially a variant of ‘It was a dark and stormy night’, as you have here - my alarm bells start ringing. You might want to toy around with your opening paragraph, so that the very first thing the reader comes across isn’t a weather description.

the beasts shrieks were drown in the rain.

Don’t change your tense; that should be ‘drowned’.

Through sheer determination created by the driver's whipping the carriage finally reached the mansion and came to a quick forceful halt.

Comma after ‘determination’, ‘whipping’ and ‘quick’. Personally, I’d also have a comma after ‘mansion’.

The carriage door swung out and a black umbrella proceeded a man

‘proceeded’ = ‘preceded’.

dressed in crimson robes that were as dark as blood itself.

The ‘that were as dark as blood itself’ strikes me as rather… over the top.

but never obscuring his strong stern face.

I don’t think you need two adjectives to describe his face here - I’d say delete one of them.

Merciless, cold and stalwart came to mind even with a simple glance.

This sentence seems out of place here. This reads as though it’s being told from another character’s POV, but so far the narrator has been unattached to anyone.

Intimidating and imposing the man carried his own air and immense will.

You want a comma after ‘imposing’.

Even as he crossed onto the cobblestone pathway the wind itself tamed, allowing the man to enter mansion with ease.

Comma after ‘pathway’. You also need to insert a ‘the’ before ‘mansion’.

From within the smell of flowers assaulted the his senses

Delete either ‘the’ or ‘his’.

From the darkness a soft effeminate voice called out

I’d say, insert a comma after ‘darkness’, and another one after ‘soft’.

Just shy of midnight, you are early.

I think you want a semicolon (;), rather than a comma here.

Perhaps you'd like some ambrosia until our guest arrives." continued the effeminate voice.

The period after ‘arrives’ should be a comma.

See Snoink’s advice on dialogue grammar.

Count Fahd giggled softly, "A replacement."

The comma should be a period.

the Count was an immortal placed by the Goddess to oversee the world.

I think you could do with a comma after ‘immortal’.

"It's been twenty years you know." mused the Count

You need a comma, rather than a period.

who ran his soft ghostly white fingers over the chamber of the gun and towards the shaft.

You need a comma after ‘soft’. I think a comma after ‘gun’ as well wouldn’t go amiss.

"This is the end isn't it? All these years to be cast away as nothing!?" roared Pencharmer.

You say Pencharmer is roaring here, but the dialogue doesn’t sound like it. Try putting a bit more emotion into the actual words themselves. Also - I’m not too sure on this, though, so don’t quote me on it - I think having both a question-mark and an exclamation-mark at the end of a single sentence is grammatically incorrect. Reminds me too much of a comic book.

Fahd's swirling blue eyes gazed into Pencharmer's, woeful and full of sadness reflected in his fragile expression.

I can’t tell whose eyes you’re describing in the second part of the sentence - Fahd’s or Pencharmer’s? Also, the second part of the sentence doesn’t actually make any sense; something like ‘pain and sadness reflecting in his fragile expression’ would make more sense, however.

As a figure approached from behind Pencharmer the soft aura and potent amrita once more assaulted his adjusting senses.

Comma after ‘Pencharmer’.

As Count Fahd turned away from Pencharmer he placed the pistol down upon a table with a soft clang, "My replacement is Count Ortis. Respect him as you did me."

You want a period after ‘clang’, not a comma.

A growled came from deep within Pencharmer, unlike that of a dog or feral beast

‘growled’ should be ‘growl’. Also, I think you mean ‘not unlike that of a dog’

ready to attack, courage created from fear and confusion barked orders towards the true ruler of Blackfall, "Tell me why! I must know!"

This part doesn’t make sense. I think you may be missing a word?

Count Ortis shook his head, "Father, do not even consider-"

The comma after ‘head’ should be a period.

Suddenly as if it manifested from nothingness the tip of a spear shot forth

You want a comma after ‘Suddenly’ and after ‘nothingness’.

from Fahd's hand and pointed at his own son's throat, "Death is nigh, I will bend one rule to follow another. Such things you must know."

I think you could cut out the ‘own’. Also, the comma after ‘throat’ should be a period.

Thank you." Count Ortis quickly said

Period should be a comma.

"Count Magnus is dead, killed by Count Cadeus in Guild battle." started Fahd

Period should be a comma.

"During the course of the battle Count Cadeus released his weapon without his approval and killed Count Magnus in a gruesome and vile manner.

Comma after ‘battle’, and after ‘approval’. Also, he released his weapon without whose approval?

Pencharmer nodded softly, grimly dissecting Fahd's true message within the message, "I wish it.

The comma after ‘message’ should be a period.

Fahd chuckled, "It has been an honor, my friend.

Comma should be a period.

Count Ortis nodded his head, "I shall take up the spear and carry on our family until my death comes as well."

The comma should be a period.

"And may it last for many years." Lord Pencharmer repeated, smiling at Count Fahd wickedly.

The period after ‘years’ should be a comma.

All in a all, it's a well written story, with a bunch of silly flaws in there. Re-read it, don't just rely on Word spellchecker. Try reading it outloud, or printing it off and marking out all the errors in pencil.

Also, read up on dialogue punctuation (use the link I gave you - that's where I learnt it from) because you really seem to struggle with that.

-- Sureal

I knew I was horrible with commas, but yikes that is alot. I'll fix this up and edit it. I've already changed alot of the Pencharmer description because of the issues with the second point of view. It just doesn't really fit in there.

I see a lot of mistakes that I didn't catch via wordpad and spellcheck. Definately need a grammar checker. Sorry about that, but I do not have Microsoft Word. Thanks for reviewing and finding all those mistakes, I'll fix them right away.

Hello, Oh Mighty Reviewer of Death.

First off, you need to post this in normal font; it's difficult and distracting to read as it is. Secondly, you've gone WAY overboard with metaphors and similies. The strongest writing is simple and striking. If you throw it too many poetic phrases and long words just to flaunt your vocabulary, you'll lose your reader.

Also, your dialogue is...unreal, to say the least. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe your characters. No one talks like that.

I would advise rewriting this with a different mindset. Keep working on it.