A (kind of long) short story - over 13

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Hey guys. Tell me what you think! I'm totally open to criticism, but please also add your immediate reaction after reading.
*side note: this never happened to me, so just ignore the use of names.


Broken


These emotions were overwhelming. I felt like throwing up, crying, and punching people at the same time. Chaos was quickly gaining control of this cursed environment. I had trouble stringing my own thoughts together, but one kept resurfacing at the top of my brain: get away.

People surrounded me. They kept looking at me, looking at me but not seeing me, looking at me but not speaking to me. They probably didn’t know what to say, or they were just too narcissistic to care. I struggled to break myself out of the unknowing crowd steadily assembling around the pool. Half the people had no clue what was going on, they’d probably just come because they thought there was a fight, those stupid, egocentric, drunken jerks. They were going to wish they had never seen the scene at the pool once they got there.

Pushing myself out of the thick throng of party-goers, I guess they thought I knew something important. And I did, but I was making a point of not saying a word. My only goal was to get out of there.

I must’ve looked like quite a sight, the dried tears on my face, sticky sweat on my forehead, gradually soaking clothes, and my unsteady walk. Most people just let me pass by once they saw me, but others blocked my way. A few even tried to get an answer out of me, like Eddie Fargo. “Hey, Kylie, what’s going on over there?”

I pushed the kid away. How could I tell him what I refused to even say to myself? I kept walking. As I did, new snippets of conversations drifted up to my ears: “Wonder what’s going on…”; “Dude, this party sucks!”; “I bet someone’s wasted down there!”

The excitement in the voice of that last one touched a raw nerve in my stomach. “Wasted”? Oh no, it was much worse than that. I turned to where I’d heard it and now listened to the same voice telling some story about how drunk he’d gotten last weekend.

I continued to make my way out of the crowd, which unfortunately led my past his direction. As I came over, the guy perked up, raised his eyebrows with a “look” at his friends, and then turned to me. Gross! If I’d had the strength, I would’ve thrown up all over him, but I was getting dizzier by the moment and could feel unconsciousness slowly coming to claim me.

By now, I was within two feet of the loser and I was going to – wait! There it was, straight past a group of egocentrics to my right: a break, an opening in the crowd. I began pushing the people aside, running. I know I crushed some feet as I dodged through the gathering crowd but I didn’t care anymore. The only thing that mattered was my getting out of there. Finally free of the massive group, I left the edge of the property sprinting. The only option that looked halfway decent to crash was a dense forest, so I entered it, heading into the unknown, refusing to stop until I reached a small clearing.

Lost, out of breath, with my eyes already beginning to water for a reason I was too tired to fathom, I lay down on the dirt and leaves and let unconsciousness take me.


It was a typical Friday afternoon at school. Chaos, screams of joy, couples making out in the halls, you name it. I was desperate to get away – who wasn’t after that final bell? – and besides, I’d be seeing most of these jerks tonight at Johnny Ender’s party. I was sure the whole school was invited, and it was the kind of party that even if you weren’t invited, you showed up anyway. Something big always went down at Johnny’s.

When Jennifer had first mentioned she wanted to come, I’d objected. However, she was only a couple years younger than me, and definitely acted mature about it. So, after my initial refusal, I’d relented, agreeing to take her.

We showed up around nine to an overflowing driveway. In fact, it looked like the whole neighborhood was filled with cars that blocked other resident’s homes and driveways. The more people, the more chaos, I decided, though I was unsure whether that was a good thing.

As Jennifer and I entered Johnny’s mansion, I saw we’d already missed the events I’d hoped to: the breaking of Mrs. Ender’s china, which I did not want to be held responsible for, and the beer-drenching. At all the parties, one of the sports teams always picked two people and toppled one of the beer kegs over them. They only did it to their friends or people they knew wouldn’t mind. Actually, they’d done it to me once last year and honored as I was, I knew I couldn’t go home smelling like I’d knocked over a liquor store. I’d had to spend the night at my friend Anna’s and take three showers just to rinse out my hair.

Jennifer and I split up, each joining our own group. I followed the smell of alcohol into the kitchen, where I found the two latest victims: Elizabeth Miller, an old friend of mine, and David McKenzie, and ex-boyfriend but still a friend. As others joined us, the whole group began chatting like when we’d all been fifth-graders together, laughing and telling jokes. This was why I liked these parties: even if we’d all changed in the past seven years, we could still find each other and talk here.

It was half past midnight by the time I looked at my watch. Jennifer and I had agreed to meet at one. Since most of my friends were already clearing out, I decided to head out early and wait by the car.

I’d been waiting less than five minutes when David ran up to me, and anxious look spilled all over his face. “Come on,” he said, grabbing my wrist. “You’re going to want to see this.” I allowed him to drag me along, thinking it was a joke or another beer-drenching. However, as we drew closer to the pool, I saw a large group of people standing around, gossiping among themselves like it was a crime scene or something.

When they saw me coming, they glanced at me quickly then turned away. They avoided me. “David…,” I was becoming curiously scared. “What’s going on?”

But now he wouldn’t look at me either.

Arriving at the pool, with David still gently gripping my arm, I saw a couple guys pulling somebody out of the water. I still didn’t get it until I took a closer look. Blonde hair, 5’6”, birthmark above her left eyebrow. The tears were falling before I realized they were. Jennifer. She wasn’t moving, and looked sickly pale, her eyes shut. Her usually tidy hair was wet, curling into knots, masking her forehead. The worst of it, however, was the dark lump on the side of her head, gleaming, almost like –

“Blood?” I sputtered, half sobbing. I turned to one of the guys who’d just pulled her out of the water and grabbed his shoulders. “What happened?” When he didn’t reply within the first two seconds, I started shaking him. It wasn’t until David took hold of me and calmly repeated my question that he answered.

“I don’t know, I was just sitting out here with some of my friends and she came out…she was walking towards the front of the house, but kinda wobbling, you know, like she’d been drinking or something…she was walking past the pool when I guess she slipped. She fell in and then we sorta heard a thunk, like something hit the bottom. I dunno what we thought, but when she didn’t come up, we kinda put it together…”

He shrugged and walked away, almost apologetically. I stood unmoving trying to digest what he’d just told me when Thomas Andrews came over.

“What happened? Is she all right?”

I didn’t answer right away. When I did, it was a simple “Hey Thomas.” Maybe I was going delusional.

He looked agitated. “Look, Kylie, is Jennifer okay? I mean, we were just hanging out together like half an hour ago and then I heard some people say –”

“Wait,” I interjected. Something had been bothering me. Jennifer didn’t drink, I was sure of that. Unless… “You were hanging out together? Did you see if she had anything to drink?”

“What? I mean, yeah, I gave her a Coke –” Thomas cut himself off, looking uncomfortable.

He has every reason to, I thought angrily, for a guy who just spiked his friend’s drink. There was a cliché-like awkward silence in which I struggled to find the words to say to him. Finally, I simply asked why.

“Well, you know…,” he began again. I shot him a quick look. “Well, come on, it was just a little alcohol! I just wanted her to loosen up!” He was shouting now too. He stopped for a second, in which I assume he was rethinking the scenario, then replied, “Is she okay?”

I looked to where her body lay about five feet from the edge of the pool. Clearly, she was still unconscious.

I closed my eyes briefly, then turned to David, who had been standing behind me the whole time. “David,” I whispered, afraid to even talk, “would you…” I tilted my head back in the direction of the body.

I saw the hesitation on his face. He knew what I was asking him to do, but he also knew he couldn’t say no to me, not now, especially not now. He walked shakily over to her then dropped down onto his knees. I watched him touch first her wrist then her neck, then drop his head down.

After that, I didn’t need to see his remorseful face, his tear-filled eyes, or hear his voice to know.

My sister was dead.
PHS marching band kicks butt!
sequential, lieutenant gay man, dr. beat, nickate, jessie, joshie, and xena
if you understand who these nicknames refer to
i pity you




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Wow... I really don't know what to say... this is really heavy reading... I don't even know how to comment on it... It certainly evokes a reaction from the reader. Good job... but wow...
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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thanks (i think). anyone else wanna review? i need some feedback!
PHS marching band kicks butt!
sequential, lieutenant gay man, dr. beat, nickate, jessie, joshie, and xena
if you understand who these nicknames refer to
i pity you




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Wow. That was... wow. Well written, descriptive, thought provoking. Just... wow.

Okay, that made no sense. But, the point I'm trying to get across was that it was really, really, really-to-infinity good!

Peace! 8)
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Ok, I have sat her basically twiddling my thumbs for the last few minutes wondering what to say. I would say wow, but that has already been said enough already. What I will say is I thought this was really well done. You captured her emotional turmoil well in the begining and then progress through the events of the day to tell us why.




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This is stunning work, very descriptive and powerful. this is a very very good story, sad, but it has a very strong,obvious, and important meaning to it. And that is why you don't drink anything given to you by other people, only drink things that you yourself got and it has to be sealed, like an unopened can of coke or something....

Way to get the message out there.

(i learned about all this crap last year in health class, good thing its a required course.)
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OMG... this is... it's wow. It's just great. It's so descriptive and I didn't expect it and just... yeah. what I mean is it rocks! :D
Ashley S




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For some reason, I thought that when you started describing the Friday afternoon, I thought it was the day after the pool scene and that she was going to another party. Then I got to the part about the pool later and I understood...I dunno, maybe it was just me that was confused about that.

I also think maybe you should have introduced Jennifer a little more? You mentioned that the main character had talked to her about the party, but we didn't really know who she was until the last line. I know you talked about her being a little younger than Kylie, but I thought she was just a friend. Maybe you meant for readers to think that? I don't know.

My first reaction: I knew you were leading up to something because of the foreshadowing in the beginning, obviously, but I didn't really get it until that last line when I was just like...wow. It was very powerful. Nice job.




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I enjoyed this...but I enjoyed the gushing comments even more. So, like Cassandra I initially thought that Friday was the day after and she was attending another party. I realised much sooner, though, what was happening. Still, it could perhaps be made a little clearer. Maybe, I dunno Kylie could let the events of the day play over in her mind as she lay on the forest floor? Something that introduces the flashback.

Apart from that, it was evokative, very well written, and encapsulating. What I mean by that is, you captured that scene remarkabley well; the crowd, the uncertainty,the reaction, emotions...all of it. Very efficiently done. Although after reading it, my first thought was; Holy crap. I initially thought she was alking away from a break-up scene or from finding a boyfriend in some other girls arms...there was no hint of the gravity of the situation. Thats good though; made it a lot more shocking when we found out.

However, surely people would have reacted differently. I mean, not everyone would be drunk, somoeone should have at the very least, attempted to help her. I cant say, but still. Excellent job.
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