Holding My Faith

You're not just alone
You're unloved.

Trying to keep the world
from falling
Even when the end
keeps on calling.

You're not just hopeless
You're lost.

Collecting the love
from dying figures
Even though the reaper
smashes them to slivers.

You're alone and unloved
You're lost and hopeless.
Holding my faith in your hands.

this is beautiful. that pretty much sums it up. no critiquing just love it.
awesome job.

kim

Hi PenguinAttack. Onto my critique.

I'll make it short and sweet. I think it was alright, but you need to expand on the theme a lot more. You have only explored one aspect of it, but you should realize that the theme you are doing affects a lot around us. It is tragic you didn't make good use of that.

I think the style of the poem needs some work too. It feels a bit like "telling" not "showing". Find more creative ways to express your theme. You also need to need to use a wider variety of vocabulary in the piece as it feels repetitive in bits.

Hope that helped.

This is really good. As Kim says, it is beautiful. There's just one thing - I'm not sure about the rhythm of this bit;
'Trying to keep the world
from falling'
It just doesn't sound right when you say it aloud. For all the lines except the final line, 'You're unloved' and 'You're lost' you've stuck to 4-6 syllables. This one is only three and it breaks the beat.
Other than that - perfect.
Bkwrm

The use I am with poetry… I liked it. Now, I suppose, to not make this crit a waste of a post, I have to say why I liked it? *Ponders* Generally. *Sighs*


Quote:
You're not just alone
You're unloved.
Very powerful beginning. As in, *is thinking about how it would look (awesomely) in prose…*

Quote:
Trying to keep the world
from falling
I won’t crit another crit. I won’t. I’ll say that I love these two lines.


Okay. I have the ‘loved, loved, loved’ part, done. From that heart, but still. (Quite a time later): Found something imperfect! *Squeals!* *Is happy!*

Yes, well. The last stanza (ooh, I’m getting pro…). It just kind of… It doesn’t fit in with the rhythm of the poem. You have two twos, and then a three. I read it out loud (uhm, whispered it), and I’m still with the above. If you don’t want to delete it - it’s a perfectly good stanza - then maybe incorporate it with another one?

Anyway, you are Test Subject no x. As in, in the first ten of my poetry crits. So feel free to ignore me ^_^


Cheers,
Esme

You're all wondefully amazing legends for criting this for me! And I *heart* each and every one of you ^.^

I am going to think very seriously about all you said Squal I do get what you were saying and I am going to pull out dome of that latent creativity hehe and give it a real go.

Thankyou bkwm, I understand what you are saying; I was concentrating do much on the stupid rhyme that I lost sense of my syllables, I shall think about how to fix that without ripping words out.

Es, my love, I'll be your test subject anyday ^.^ I know what you're saying about the last stanza, the issue of it not sounding like it is really the end is a problem. I shall be thinking about, and working on, extending it so it isnt so awkward.


Thankyou all once again! Legendary loves ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I actually liked this. I know, amazing, right?

Just a couple of things! First of all, the second stanza is too rhyming. Or at least it sounds weird to me. I don't know. But I don't really like it.

... the last stanza is hugely anti-climatic. I mean, you have this "IN YOUR FACE" sort of stuff, and that's awesome. But then it goes from being concrete to fluffy, and that's not awesome. So end it with a bang.