Faith: Chapter Four

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If I were to avoid the Skeletal Hand, I would need to go to a place where it couldn’t smell me. It makes no sense, but apparently skeletons have incredible senses of smell that are only dulled by water. The last thing I wanted was for the Skeletal Hand to find me.

The grass was soft under my paws. A flock of griffins flew by, calling sweetly. I couldn’t imagine a more picturesque landscape. I flexed my back muscles and was delighted that my wound only ached slightly. Good old magic, I thought happily.

But the happiness was washed away like leaves down the river. I whirled around in the direction I hoped was east—back to the castle. It couldn’t have been more than five miles away, yet I couldn’t bring myself to retrace my steps. I’d just wait a little while before going back. The maid was alright. She had to be.

A vision of the maid flashed in my head. I remembered her dancing across the grand hall, shedding years like snakeskin. She was a young woman again, floating in an elegant, haunting waltz. Her song echoed in my head, consuming all other thoughts. I couldn’t believe I left her.

I decided to take a rest. I sat down on the grass and took off my backpack. Luna had given it to me as a parting gift. Inside was a small first aid kit of potion vials, a blanket, and a sack of food. I pulled open the drawstring and emptied the contents. But something else fell into my lap. The flute.

I picked it up and scrutinized it carefully. It was so pretty…how had it caused so much trouble?

To take my mind off castle boredom, the maid had given me music lessons. She would seat herself at the grand piano in the parlor and play a string of notes. Sometimes I sang; other times I accompanied her on the clarinet. A flute couldn’t be so different from a clarinet, could it? I put it to my lips and let my fingers flow instinctively across the instrument. My eyes closed to enjoy the music.

Suddenly remembering the Hand, I jumped to my paws and headed for the falls.

My fur jumped up like a bed of needles as soon as I saw the water. I was a mess. Eager to clear away my recent nightmares, I stepped into the water.

I have never felt a current so strong. And it wasn’t made of water; it was inside my mind, dragging me back several years in time. Then before time. I was very small, not even able to open my eyes yet, but I smelled sweet warm fur and felt strong paws holding me. There was the sound of roaring water, the rush of traumatized blood. And everything from that point onwards was more than I could comprehend.


“Protection! Run!” Courage howled.

What was her sister doing? Why was she just standing there by the Fall of Paws when her life was in jeopardy?

“Run!” Courage sobbed.

Angry tears blurred her vision as she skidded to a halt by the gray-furred Moon Child. Her paws tightened on Faith, who was miraculously sleeping through the end of the world.

Protection turned her ice-blue eyes to Courage. A wry smile curled her lips.

Courage was furious. “You’re going to die!”

Protection laughed, not bitterly, but as though their situation was genuinely funny. “We’re all gonna die!” she choked through tears of mirth. Straightening up, she said, “Courage dude, for the first creature to walk the planet, you can be a real fuzz-head, you know that? We’re over. Encore. Bravo. We did our work; now we’re done.” Her gaze softened and she patted Courage’s shoulder, a remarkably sensitive gesture for the wanna-be rock star. “So chill, okay?”

A faint howl drifted through the trees.

Courage stiffened, but Protection just shrugged. “Here, dude. Take my Shield.”

She slid the Shield of Paws off her shoulder. It landed at Courage’s feet. After a moment’s hesitation, Courage grabbed the Shield and ran. She flew over the bridge to the other side of the river, where she crouched under a salmonberry bush to watch.

Watch? She didn’t want to see this.

But she was transfixed.

The Skeletal Hand struck swiftly, gruesomely, dead center. Charcoal-colored blood fountained from Protection’s chest. She staggered and fell, and there was nothing Courage could do to protect her.

The Skeletal Hand moved on, hunting out the rest. Courage didn’t know how many were left, but they must have been almost gone. She didn’t have much time to get Faith to the maid; still, she couldn’t just leave Protection like this. After tossing the Shield in the river, she recrossed the falls.

Protection’s eyes stared sightlessly into space. Courage, shuddering, knelt beside her sister’s stiff body. She untied Protection’s black-and-white hairband and considered giving it to Faith. No. Faith couldn’t know anything about her heritage. It was too dangerous.

Instead, she tied it to the branch of an oak tree, where it fluttered bravely in the wind.

She hung her head respectfully. “Sweet Protection, you died an honorable death. And now…now it is my turn.”



I snapped back to the present, feeling nauseous. My hind paws were numb from the freezing current, so I quickly climbed back onto the bank. The vision faded like a bad dream, but the nightmarish sensation clung to my chest.

The next decision I made was the stupidest one in my life. I admit—with overwhelming shame—that I have no courage. None to speak of. Even my deep love for the maid couldn’t turn my feet around. So instead of going back to the castle to rescue her, if indeed she was in trouble, I crossed the river and kept running. Running, running, running, trying to get away.

As I passed an oak tree, something flapped the side of my face. I turned to see a black-and-white cloth tied to a branch. There was something familiar about it, and something important too. I slid it off the branch and tied it around my head. It fit perfectly. I felt like a puzzle with one more piece.

But I was still scared out of my mind. I kept moving.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Hmmm. Interesting that Protection wants to be a rock star. It gives me a sense of the times, like the end of our world, or something. I like it :D :D :D:D:D

I picked it up and scrutinized it carefully. It was so pretty…how had it caused so much trouble?

XDXDXD This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!! She thinks it's the flute when it's her.... Priceless mon, truely priceless XDXDXDXDXD

“Protection! Run!” Courage howled.

What was her sister doing? Why was she just standing there by the Fall of Paws when her life was in jeopardy?

“Run!” Courage sobbed.

Angry tears blurred her vision as she skidded to a halt by the gray-furred Moon Child. Her paws tightened on Faith, who was miraculously sleeping through the end of the world.

Protection turned her ice-blue eyes to Courage. A wry smile curled her lips.

Courage was furious. “You’re going to die!”

Protection laughed, not bitterly, but as though their situation was genuinely funny. “We’re all gonna die!” she choked through tears of mirth. Straightening up, she said, “Courage dude, for the first creature to walk the planet, you can be a real fuzz-head, you know that? We’re over. Encore. Bravo. We did our work; now we’re done.” Her gaze softened and she patted Courage’s shoulder, a remarkably sensitive gesture for the wanna-be rock star. “So chill, okay?”

A faint howl drifted through the trees.

Courage stiffened, but Protection just shrugged. “Here, dude. Take my Shield.”

She slid the Shield of Paws off her shoulder. It landed at Courage’s feet. After a moment’s hesitation, Courage grabbed the Shield and ran. She flew over the bridge to the other side of the river, where she crouched under a salmonberry bush to watch.

Watch? She didn’t want to see this.

But she was transfixed.

The Skeletal Hand struck swiftly, gruesomely, dead center. Charcoal-colored blood fountained from Protection’s chest. She staggered and fell, and there was nothing Courage could do to protect her.

The Skeletal Hand moved on, hunting out the rest. Courage didn’t know how many were left, but they must have been almost gone. She didn’t have much time to get Faith to the maid; still, she couldn’t just leave Protection like this. After tossing the Shield in the river, she recrossed the falls.

Protection’s eyes stared sightlessly into space. Courage, shuddering, knelt beside her sister’s stiff body. She untied Protection’s black-and-white hairband and considered giving it to Faith. No. Faith couldn’t know anything about her heritage. It was too dangerous.

Instead, she tied it to the branch of an oak tree, where it fluttered bravely in the wind.

She hung her head respectfully. “Sweet Protection, you died an honorable death. And now…now it is my turn.”
j

I suggest you rewrite this part. You could have Faith viewing this and not know who any of these people are, including herself. She could be thinking "Hey! There must be another one of me!!!!" And that could be part of her quest. :D :D :D :D :D

As I passed an oak tree, something flapped the side of my face. I turned to see a black-and-white cloth tied to a branch. There was something familiar about it, and something important too. I slid it off the branch and tied it around my head. It fit perfectly. I felt like a puzzle with one more piece.

This is why I suggested you 'fuzz up' her vision a little. Because of her visions clarity, she would instantly recognize the hair band. In the vision you could make the edges of her sight fuzzy, so she can't really tell what's tied to the tree.

Anyway....
I suggest you use metaphores instead of similes. I think it would really contribute to your work. :D :D :D

You need to work on your flow a little, too. Things are going rather quick, and it's hard to tell which direction she is going :) Add some more thoughts, and internal dialogue... and maybe a fuzzy friend that's not so different from her. ***I^o^I***

I liked how you put some cowardice in her, because, in reality, NO ONE can be brave all the time, and it's nice to hear about someone who is human... or... uh, let's just say fuzzy. ^-^V

Anyway, I enjoyed your work, so keep writing mon ami. You have great potential :D :D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Points 4209
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Hmmm. Interesting that Protection wants to be a rock star. It gives me a sense of the times, like the end of our world, or something. I like it :D :D :D:D:D

I picked it up and scrutinized it carefully. It was so pretty…how had it caused so much trouble?

XDXDXD This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!! She thinks it's the flute when it's her.... Priceless mon, truely priceless XDXDXDXDXD

“Protection! Run!” Courage howled.

What was her sister doing? Why was she just standing there by the Fall of Paws when her life was in jeopardy?

“Run!” Courage sobbed.

Angry tears blurred her vision as she skidded to a halt by the gray-furred Moon Child. Her paws tightened on Faith, who was miraculously sleeping through the end of the world.

Protection turned her ice-blue eyes to Courage. A wry smile curled her lips.

Courage was furious. “You’re going to die!”

Protection laughed, not bitterly, but as though their situation was genuinely funny. “We’re all gonna die!” she choked through tears of mirth. Straightening up, she said, “Courage dude, for the first creature to walk the planet, you can be a real fuzz-head, you know that? We’re over. Encore. Bravo. We did our work; now we’re done.” Her gaze softened and she patted Courage’s shoulder, a remarkably sensitive gesture for the wanna-be rock star. “So chill, okay?”

A faint howl drifted through the trees.

Courage stiffened, but Protection just shrugged. “Here, dude. Take my Shield.”

She slid the Shield of Paws off her shoulder. It landed at Courage’s feet. After a moment’s hesitation, Courage grabbed the Shield and ran. She flew over the bridge to the other side of the river, where she crouched under a salmonberry bush to watch.

Watch? She didn’t want to see this.

But she was transfixed.

The Skeletal Hand struck swiftly, gruesomely, dead center. Charcoal-colored blood fountained from Protection’s chest. She staggered and fell, and there was nothing Courage could do to protect her.

The Skeletal Hand moved on, hunting out the rest. Courage didn’t know how many were left, but they must have been almost gone. She didn’t have much time to get Faith to the maid; still, she couldn’t just leave Protection like this. After tossing the Shield in the river, she recrossed the falls.

Protection’s eyes stared sightlessly into space. Courage, shuddering, knelt beside her sister’s stiff body. She untied Protection’s black-and-white hairband and considered giving it to Faith. No. Faith couldn’t know anything about her heritage. It was too dangerous.

Instead, she tied it to the branch of an oak tree, where it fluttered bravely in the wind.

She hung her head respectfully. “Sweet Protection, you died an honorable death. And now…now it is my turn.”
j

I suggest you rewrite this part. You could have Faith viewing this and not know who any of these people are, including herself. She could be thinking "Hey! There must be another one of me!!!!" And that could be part of her quest. :D :D :D :D :D

As I passed an oak tree, something flapped the side of my face. I turned to see a black-and-white cloth tied to a branch. There was something familiar about it, and something important too. I slid it off the branch and tied it around my head. It fit perfectly. I felt like a puzzle with one more piece.

This is why I suggested you 'fuzz up' her vision a little. Because of her visions clarity, she would instantly recognize the hair band. In the vision you could make the edges of her sight fuzzy, so she can't really tell what's tied to the tree.

Anyway....
I suggest you use metaphores instead of similes. I think it would really contribute to your work. :D :D :D

You need to work on your flow a little, too. Things are going rather quick, and it's hard to tell which direction she is going :) Add some more thoughts, and internal dialogue... and maybe a fuzzy friend that's not so different from her. ***I^o^I***

I liked how you put some cowardice in her, because, in reality, NO ONE can be brave all the time, and it's nice to hear about someone who is human... or... uh, fuzzy? ^-^V

Anyway, I enjoyed your work, so keep writing mon ami. You have great potential :D :D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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The clarity of the flashback is shocking and destroys much of the wonder. This was also discussed in the prologue for the most part, why do we need to see it again?

So many things are lacking, I see griffons are now apart of the story, and so is this amazing landscape you never give any detail about why it is so beautiful.

Very awkward and undeveloped, still making more and more loose ends I see. Also recent nightmares, just how quick is time passing in this story? The style and time flow is not set, making this rather hard to follow.




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Amazing!
I think it is very good; colourful language, it flows nicely, and it was quite interesting to read.
Keep up the good work!

Except, you might want to change this:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly remembering the Hand, I jumped to my paws and headed for the falls.

My fur jumped up like a bed of needles as soon as I saw the water.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the double use of 'jump' could be changed...
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World