Sacred

Sacred · 2007-10-25T21:03:42Z

A chill of early morning summer sent a wave of pleasure through the villagers of Moonlight Valley. The warm suns glow rimed the treetops that surrounded the Valley. Its beauty lit up a young woman’s bronze face. Her icy blue eyes scanned the trees; they moved quickly with ease across the brown-bottomed oaks. They stopped suddenly a jolt of curiosity swirled through her expression. With a single swift movement she sprinted towards the forest with long elegant strides her muscular legs brought her forwards. Her red dreadlocks a sea of life behind her she flung noiselessly into a tree, without another thought she peered from behind the tree and smiled reveling elegant white teeth resembling more of a colorless thorns than teeth. She leaped from the trees into the air her arms outstretched before her. Her body let off an elegant white glow; she fell to the ground in the form of a muscular black wolf with long dark wings. Without a moments hesitation she pelted forwards her black paws a blur beneath her their repetitive gallop brook the morning’s silence. Seconds later she came into the view of a white haired woman. The wolf threw back her head and howled savagely before leaping onto the girl with a yelp of joy. The woman screeched and fell to the ground in the form of a blue feather lion with elegant spotted wings. She laughed as they rolled around playfully batting at each other with their large paws. The first to speak was the lioness “Gwenevire I told you no shifting” She growled. Before answering Gwenevire (the wolf) rolled onto her back and batted the air with her paws, “I know Liloo…But I was so tempted! You are so easy to catch!” She laughed and stood up. She trotted up the small mountain they had reached and peered down eagerly. She flicked her tail motioning for Liloo to come. “What is it Gwen?” She asked wryly before stepping forwards and looking down, a second later she looked up and smiled “Shall we?” Gwenevire asked with a devilish grin etched into her eyes. “Yes” She reared up on her back legs and they both dove downwards. Their wings pressed tightly against their flanks. Gwenevire barked with joy as Liloo let out a rawr of pleasure and they both let their wings out and they quickly veered back up into the sky. They turned their heads to each other and smiled daringly “YES!” They both yelled before diving back down towards the sea underneath them. They tucked their wings back and stretched out there paws and transformed back into humans. They took one last look at each other and hit the water with a giant splash. They resurfaced seconds later laughing hysterically. “That’s the best one yet!” Liloo screamed happily. They two girls looked at each other and took a big breath in before diving down into the ocean. The deeper they got the darker it got. Over the period that they where swimming they began to grow there wings back. They hit rock bottom both of there faces pink, “Wets wo” Gwenevire babbled. Liloo nodded enthusiastically and they bent their knees before pushing up their hands outstretched and their wings pressed tightly against their sides. They bolted through the water like white waves. After a few flaps of their muscular wings they hit the surface they instantly sucked in as much air as possible before slowly paddling back to shore. Swimming felt like running on water. There legs where useless as where there arms. They got swept in by a large wave and lay panting on their bellies. Gwenevire was the first to rise, her muscle straining under her aching legs. “That’s nothing compared to the blood river…” She breathed “Not only is the water thick with blood in death but we would have to stay down there and search for the calling egg.” She groaned and began to walk back into the forest her body slowly morphing into her wolf form. ((It needs to be continued))

Wolf

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Points 1609

Reviews 602

Fri Oct 26, 2007 6:36 pm

Wolf says... · Fri Oct 26, 2007 6:36 pm

Wow...I've got 20 posts! I did a couple of posts yesterday..to see what people thought of my writing...you answered

If anyone else ever looks at these boards, I wonder what they will think?
Me, just rambling on about anything that comes to mind...lol.

everything i loved
became everything i lost.

Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html

Wolf

Gender

Points 1609

Reviews 602

Fri Oct 26, 2007 6:37 pm

Wolf says... · Fri Oct 26, 2007 6:37 pm

hhmm...what are reviews?
I have 16 of them?
That's odd. I don't recall anyone ever saying anything about my writing, and that was once...oh well. I'm off to the other topics..but I shall return!

everything i loved
became everything i lost.

Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html

Stori

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Points 1395

Reviews 565

Fri Oct 26, 2007 7:02 pm

Stori says... · Fri Oct 26, 2007 7:02 pm

The sentences are a nightmare! They run into each other every which way. Try something like this...

Noon sunlight poured down on the valley. The villagers stirred, smiling to each other...

You get my drift. It might also be a good idea to run this through Word.

"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques

Fan

Gender

Points 1419

Reviews 161

Fri Oct 26, 2007 8:34 pm

Fan says... · Fri Oct 26, 2007 8:34 pm

Before I go into my review, I have to give you some advice. You should really read the rules before you decide to post a story. They state this:

Before posting your own story, make sure that you have given a few critiques first. Try to keep yourself at a rate of 2/1 in critiques and stories.

So far, I have gone through your reviews and you have only bumped your own thread and have given your friend (who is also new) a bad review. Also Ayra, the place to chat is in PMs or the lounge, not in the literary forums. Try critquing one of the more active members to get noticed and some members will usually return the favour (myself included most times). I'm not trying to nag, but it's essential you know this. So no grudges, ok? :wink:

1~First of all PARAGRAPHING! This is a jumbled mass of text. I cannot physically read all of this. Please think of those with bad eyesight and put spaces in your work like I have done with this entire review (top included). So far, I doubt many read to the end let alone made a comment.

2~ Structure. Paragraphs have already been highlighted but your sentence structure is also off the hook. There are ful stops where commas woudl suffice and commas where there should be full stops.

3~ The lne by line.

Her icy blue eyes scanned the trees; they moved quickly with ease across the brown-bottomed oaks.

Lol, eyes don't move lass. Or at least rephrase it. Taster:
'Her icy blue eyes scanned the trees and took in the sights of the brown bottomed oaks.' Pourquoi?

Her red dreadlocks a sea of life behind her she flung noiselessly into a tree,

This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Are you trying to say.
"Her red dreadlocks flew like a sea of life behind her as she flung herself noiselessly into a tree,"

“Gwenevire I told you no shifting” She growled. Before answering Gwenevire (the wolf) rolled onto her back and batted the air with her paws, “I know Liloo…But I was so tempted! You are so easy to catch!”

New paragraph each time a different person speaks. And replace the brackets for commas.

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

This has the skeleton of a good story. And I'm not saying that just to not look like the Simon Cowell of literature (not that I'm amazing at writing myself) but because I actually do think this is a good starting point for someone your age. Don't be put off by my words, to keep writing is to keep improving.

But as I said, this is a skeleton from the perspective of my skill level (not trying to be egoistic or saying I'm amazing). Work on it, read books (god ones mind), take lessons, add the flesh to your story. You're young, we were all bad to start off with.

Writers are not born, they are made through years of hard work and perseverance.

~Fan, in a thinking mood~

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