So Much for Magicians

Here's the next section! So far, this story is still in the "ideas coming out too fast/pre-writing" part of my mind. So, right now, I'm looking for as much criticism as possible. I haven't even done character outlines yet, either.

I've also got a better idea for my prologue, to make it more creative, instead of my blunt, direct, telling, info-dumpy one I've got now. It's going to be fun to write, and once I actually get the chance to WRITE it, I'll repost it, so whoever reads this can look forward to that soon.

It's a short chapter, and I know I'm a blunt writer, so be harsh!!

So, without further ado, after my giant interlude, here's Chapter 1!:

“C’mon! Stop scowling, it isn’t very attractive, you know,” I stated over my shoulder, almost dragging Gabe out of the car. He was pouting like a seven year old.

“Who ever said I wanted to be attractive? You can’t make me get out of this car!” Gabe replied, folding his hands up against his chest, so as to actually look like a seven year old.

“Ugh! You are really immature sometimes, you know that, don’t you?! Besides, it’s going to rain in about three minutes, and the magic show’s going to be going on for hours! Unless you want to be freezing your butt off out here, I suggest you come with me, into the nice, warm auditorium,” I attempted to coax.

He paused for a minute, and then looked at me suspiciously. Before he looked a way, I used my special weapon.

“No! Don’t you pull that on me! You know I can’t resist your Bambi eyes! I won’t go. I’m putting my foot down, Ady. I’m serious. I’ll wait until it’s over. I will not go,” He replied stubbornly.

Two minutes later, we were running for the auditorium entrance, trying to beat the rain.

“Oh, faster, faster! It’s coming down!” I yelled, pouring on speed.

“How would you know!?” Gabe yelled back, breathing heavily.

“My rain sixth-sense, remember?” I stated.

“Oh, how could I forget!?” He yelled at me sarcastically.

“Too late,” I stated softly. We were going to be soaked. The first drops were falling.

“Augh! Run!” I screamed, running faster. Gabe had felt the drops, too, and matched my speed.

We started laughing- for no apparent reason. It was what we did; when something went wrong, we’d look at the situation as any other would, realize how funny it was, and laugh.

We burst through the auditorium, laughing maniacally, shaking off all of the water we had just absorbed. We beat the rain just in time.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. “You smell that? It’s the best smell in the world.” I let the sound of the rain hitting the roof wash over me. I didn’t know what it was, but rain felt like a part of me, like half of who I was.

“You are so weird,” Gabe said to me, looking like I’d gone crazy.

“Yeah, look who’s talking,” I retorted, sticking out my tongue.


“Quit complaining, will you? We’re here and that’s final!” I whispered furiously at him.

“Well, I don’t want to be here!” He whispered back. The show was about to start.

“So what else is new?” I shot back, sitting down in my seat. I looked around.

The room was colossal. There were several thousand people in the room, waiting on the edge of their seats to see these magicians. There were lights dispersed every few feet on the walls to our left and right. The stage was in front of us, and was at least a hundred yards wide. We were seated in the middle of the room, and still the stage was about two hundred yards away from us. People were chatting idly about their lives to their family and friends, making the sound in the room blaring. The place was packed.

“I’ve never seen so many people show up for a magic show before. There are literally people standing at the back. The place is over-booked!” I stated excitedly.

“Great,” He stated, uninterested.

Gabe sat there and sulked, while I was literally bouncing in my seat with anticipation when the lights dimmed slightly, and a voice boomed out of the speakers interspersed throughout the room.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for the amazing Saturninus family of magicians!” The voice had that annoying way of drawing out the words, like an announcer from a football game would.

The room felt like it was shaking, it was so loud. I couldn’t even hear Gabe beside me as four teens stepped from behind the curtains and onto the stage. The noise level was far from being safe. I felt almost as if my eardrums would pop.

There were four of them; two girls and two boys. And they were no older than I was. Gabe and I turned to each other, blinking. He looked at me questioningly. I shook my head in astonishment. I caught his question in his gaze. Did you know they were so young?

The only thing I knew was that we were in for a really big show.



Heh. I hope the title is starting to make more sense now...

very clearly set out which makes it easier to read very detailed descriptions if you stay with it then it could turn out to be an excellent story

Aiva,

I admit that I have not read what comes before. But since this is Chapter 1, all is well, yes? Yes? *Is still ashamed of self*

Okay, here is the first thing that comes to my mind, before I even start reading the story: Separate the author’s note from the actual story. I know this does you no good, but it’ll look nicer on the visual side of it all ^_^ But let’s get on with what’ll actually interest you.

First of all I wanted to say that your characters have personality. You achieved this in few words, which is like - wow. Very nice. They aren’t just black letters on white, they are actuall people. They are three-dimensional.

Dialogue. Again, very good jobs. It flowed smoothly, and characterized your character, too, instead of being only ‘blah blah blah’.

While mostly I’m against such things, I liked the rapid pace of your story. The part when, after the small argument, the were running to the auditorium, actually made me laugh. Well done!

There are few awkward moments in the chapter, when e.g. you have dialogue that is said by one character, and then the next paragraph (also dialogue) is said by that same character. I object to this, because it looks, and read, a tad bit awkward. What else? I really would like to see more description - that would really add up to all the great dialogue, and extend the paragraphs. I’m not asking for info-dumps, but a sentence here, a sentence there - that would be good.

Again, this was a very well-written chapter. I had a few nitpicks, and quotes, but I deleted them. Don’t really have time now, but if you still want them, PM me later. (e.g. dialogue punctuation corrections, and some run-on sentences)

Cheers,
Esme

Very nice, but dialogue heavy. I would have loved more then a few brief comments about the setting. Also one key point really irks me:

"There were lights dispersed every few feet on the walls to our left and right. The stage was in front of us, and was at least a hundred yards wide. We were seated in the middle of the room, and still the stage was about two hundred yards away from us."

Measurements, I can't stand them and they should not be the indicator of the scale of your stage from a distance. Its just poor describing to give measurements of how big and leave the rest of the stage as that.

While it seems you have developed very good and rather quick moving story it has its drawbacks. A bit too quick for me seeing as characters are still abstract pieces of personality at this point. In my first chapter I'd like to set my characters with an appearance and something I can relate to, dialogue itself should not be the constructs which make the character.

The chapter was incredibly short, I thought I would at least get a little show or maybe something more from all this prior build up only to have lackluster descriptions and no action worked into what is the make or break chapter for many readers.


In my opinion you really need to work on descriptions for characters and the setting, and actually finish this chapter because in all honesty it feels like a lead in, but is lacking substance and a good hook to really grab a readers attention. I suggest either increasing descriptions and building up the suspense more and more before the magicians are actually revealed; or strengthing descriptions and continuing on with the show and making the path of your story soon clear.

Sorry to be harsh, but I take no quarter.

No, I thank you very much for it!! I asked people to be harsh.

Like I said, I haven't done any planning with this story at all. The characters appearances were introduced in the prologue, but that at the moment, is being redone.

Yeah, when I was re-reading it, the author's note did seem to be part of the story. I'll change that in the next one...

I've always had problems with stopping for descriptions. I'm just in hurry to get the story out, I forget about everything else. Hopefully, being a member on here will change that. Thank you for your input!

Very nice! Fast-paced, I like that. I am sorry I haven't read your prologue... but maybe sometime in the near future I will get the chance! I like the beginning, the small argument, that was good!
Keep up the fantastic work!

~Scepter~

PS - I always laugh for no apparent reason!

Thanks for your thoughts!! I'm sort of excited to see what people have to say about this. It's going to be hard: Some people like fast-paced, some don't. But for a first chapter, I have to agree, even just a little bit, that fast-paced might not be the best choice.

But, as I've said a bazillion times, it's still in the pre-writing stage and subject to change with the prologue. Hopefully, I won't have to do much- I like this chapter.

Thanks again for the feedback!

Okay, I agree with others about description also I'm not a fan of anti-climatic chapters which sadly this was. You had this great build up of them going and everything then just end it's teenagers. That's not terribly unusaul if you want something climatic I suggest decribing these kids. Another thing that really irked me was you said stated about a million times. Sayisms not necessary sometimes dialogue tells whole story. My advice is read this and where you believe description necessary to slot it in. Other than that i did enjoy this charactization very good and realistic. Sorry if it was too harsh.

Good luck VSN.

I like it. It's short and sweet. Gives some insight into the main character. Since it is first person, I would've liked more insight into her head, you know? It is also very dialogue oriented, so, more descriptions would be useful. Other than that a great start. I'm not really good at catching grammatical mistakes (I'm good at making them) but, all I can say is they weren't blatant..so half the battle is over.

Oh, I would like to comment an interesting part of the prologue which in my opinion needs more development.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. “You smell that? It’s the best smell in the world,” I stated, letting the sound of the rain hitting the roof wash over me. I didn’t know what it was, but rain felt like a part of me, like half of who I was.

I think this line is really interesting and needs more work. First of all, remove the second like ..."felt like a part of me, half of who I was" Also, I love this idea of her connect w/ the rain in such a personal way. Why? Since it is first person, we need to know exactly what's going on inside her head. Did something happen in her past which made her essentially form a bond with the rain?

Or, it could've been just a well thought out simile...hehe, maybe I overanalyzed this part..

I see potential and am already starting to connecting with the main character and her quirky, humorous side kick, Gabe.

Can't wait to read more. Keep writing,

starry-night89

I *really* enjoyed it. :) The only thing that I really could not abide (the other mistakes are no doubt errors in speed, which happen to me all the time) was the measurements. I won't bother restating it, as Errant did a beautiful job.

I'm very eager to read the next chapter, which is a plus for your drop-off ending. Everyone hates a cliff-hanger, even me, which is exactly why I love this. (does that make any sense? yes? no?) Because you cut it off so abruptly, you've gotten us all edgy and impatient to see what happens next. That wouldn't have happened to such a degree if you'd given us the show and then ended it.

You are going to post the show, right? -- teenage magicians, ONE of those boys has got to be gorgeous. :D

-- aisho

Let me start by saying I expect to see more of this story. You simply cannot leave us off with such a cliffhanger after such an excellently written piece like the one you have here. I'm going to write you down and keep watch for the rest of this story.
Now let's get to the nitty gritty:

“Ugh! You are really immature sometimes; you know that, don’t you?!

That semi-colon should be a comma.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. “You smell that? It’s the best smell in the world,” I stated, letting the sound of the rain hitting the roof wash over me. I didn’t know what it was, but rain felt like a part of me, like half of who I was.

I think that, because you're trying to make this a significant look into the character, you should use a period, as opposed to a comma. You can rearrange the sentence accordingly, but you've already established who's talking and it'd be more powerful if you ended that dialogue there.

There's not too much more. It's short, well paced with great development in that short period. I expect to see more, so I'll be checking

Thank you so much everyone!! I'm so happy people actually like it! Heh, how's that for being confident?...

Once I finish the revised and finished copy of the first draft, I'll go and add more descriptions in. I'm so eager to get what needs to be said out, the little things get forgotten...

I...uh....haven't exactly got the next part....written yet....so, uh...

I can see it now: a mob of YWS people with pitchforks outside my door...*Shudders*

Thanks for the reviews everyone!! I really appreciate it!!

Well, most critique about what should be improved has already been given, or in other words, I see nothing to add there, since it was already mentioned. So why do I put a reply here? The answer is easy: I like the story. Now, there's not so much of suspense or plot happening just about yet, so that's not what keeps me reading, but I feel very linked to your story's main character; she seems like a female version of me. In the prologue you mentioned that she has no interest for the outside world, and prefers to stay by herself, delving into the world of dragons and faeries. Now, in chapter one, you also said that she very much likes the rain. All of these are exact replicas of my way of life. That's why I like her, and with her, your story. Oh and, don't worry, I won't siege you with a pitchfork.

I think it is great... for a prologue. I would have preferred it if there had been a little more of the actual action in this section, but that is just me. (Sorry, I know that this is just the first chapter.)

Also, I think that the paragraph that starts out with "The room was colossal." is a little too choppy. Some of the sentences should flow together and make the paragraph sound more natural.

Hmmm... I really don't like this as much as the prologue. The style just seems the tiniest bit off, and there are a few quirks in the text that have been already pointed out. I agree that you should but in more insight to the narrator's head. And the whole thing about the rain? It confuses me, to be honest. Like it's some random quirk about her. It is way too short, especially to be the very first chapter. I just feel like there's somethings that are missing from the original first chapter that should have been Incorporated into this one.

You said be harsh