I Am The Mediterranean Sea

[pre]I am the Mediterranean Sea; peaceful, loving, serene.
I let my majestic blue shine for all the world to see.
I show my true colors,
But keep some treasures hidden below the surface.
I have hopes, fears, dreams.
I can be violent at times,
But only when I’m aggravated.
I am an independent sea,
But there is one thing that intimidates me in this world;
The Arabian Sea.
He is strong, vast, beautiful.
How I would long to be by his side until the world stops spinning.
Sadly, I can only keep this a fantasy,
For land keeps us apart.
I guess we are to be star-crossed lovers;
Love each other till time ends
But can never be with each other.
How I envy Romeo and Juliet.
They ended up together in the end,
But I am a sea;
Constantly moving.
I cannot die.
I cannot take a sip of poison or plow a dagger into my heart.
I have to live forever with this pain and suffering.
I can take others to see their loves,
But I cannot take all of myself to see him.
It is an unfair life.
Curse Poseidon for making me a sea that can never be with its true love.
I can only stay here,
For all eternity,
Wondering what might have been.
[/pre]

TheBluePoet,


This starts out flat with the first line being demonstratively self-referential and never gaining momentum henceforth. A better medium for this might be a fiction narrative where you can plumb the the greater depths of the sea than you have done here.


Best,
Brad

Hmm...it's a little flat. It begins with the simile being laid out there, right at the beginning, speaker = Mediterranean Sea. The rest of the poem only serves to make childish expansions on that without actually fleshing it out.

If you want to write a poem in which the speaker recognizes his or her similarities to the sea, don't ever come out and say, "I'm like this because we both do this." Rather, parallel them--present them, have the speaker observe something about him/herself and observe something about the sea, but never put them in the same sentence with the word "like" (or similar) in between. You can use word choice and other subtle hints to suggest (key word: SUGGEST) to the reader that the two are in some way intertwined.

I envy Romeo and Juliet.
They ended up together in the end

I liked this.

-Colleen