Whisper into my ear

Whisper into my ear
and scream to me that you'll be here

Pick me up and thrown me down
and watch my heart slowly drown
Bound to you I am, like the devil's command

Your glaring eyes, always watching my back
Making my heart a nervous wreck
Trapping me into an endless black pit
only you know where I sit

Crawling back to you I come
like the Beacon's everlasting drum
Consumed I am by you, once again
My heart tearing shred by shred.


the lines that are underlined I need help with because they sound awkward, also if you have any additional comments to my poem, you can say them as well. As of yet, this poem has no title.

thank you
-sara

some of the phrasing is awkward and contradictory. as for the underlined phrases, maybe you could take out the 'always' in the first line and also the last line where you sat: only you know where i sit kinda sounds like you only put sit in there to make it rhyme. overall i liked it and thought it was good. what i would suggest? revision

The idea was good and nice,but if you are trying to bring rythm into this poem,like you started off well with the first two lines,and then again in the second paragraph you broke the rythme in the last line,the same thing you did in teh fourth paragraph.So try to fix that.

In the third para like cat4prowl says if you remove the "always" it would sound good.

If you revise it,it will be a good outcome.

~Shine~

I think that there is something in this poem, but it seems as if you didn't let it develop and that's why some of it seems awkward. I definitely think there's something there though.