Jen

CHAPTER 1

I could not believe it! Summer was almost at its end. School will be starting in only two weeks when it felt like it just ended yesterday. I thought about my summer events and all I did was spent great summer days with my best friend. She is quite odd with her unusual bright red hair and green eyes that seem to almost glow. I knew that my parents did not like her, but that did not stop me from spending every minutes with her.
"Jena! Shannon is here!" my mother shouted from downstairs. I jumped up from bed and ran down the stairs as fast as I could, still in my pajamas.
"Jena!" Shannon greeted me as we hugged.
Hey! What is our plan today?" I asked eagerly. Shannon always had the greatest ideas.
"Well, I was thinking of going..." Shannon stopped talking as my mother walked in.
"Going where?" my mother asked innocently.
"Oh, hello Miss Night. We were thinking about going bird watching," Shannon answered, smiling. I made a face. This was not one of Shannon's great ideas. My mother turned away from Shannon to face me. I looked at Shannon as she winked, I smiled. Shannon was such a good liar.
"Jena, you know the rules. You are not to go anywhere near the beach. I would not want to see the top stories on CNN being about your death, you understand?" I nodded, showing that I did understand.
"Before you go on your little bird watching adventure, go change," demanded my mother as she pointed up the stairs.
"I know mom," I said as I rolled my eyes in Shannon's direction. I ran up the stairs and looked frantically around my room for something to wear. I spotted a pair of faded blue jeans and a lime green shirt. I quickly threw them on and ran back down the stairs. My mother was not with Shannon as I reached the bottom step.
"Ready Einstein?" Shannon asked me as she eyed my unbrushed black hair. I touched my fizzy hair and smiled.
"Ready," I answered as we ran out of the house laughing.

I liked this because I can soooo relate to it. I only found a few errors.

I thought about my summer events and all I did was spent great summer days with my best friends.

...All I did was spend great summer days with my best friend....
There was only one right?

I jumped up from bed and ran down the stairs as fast as I could still in my pajamas.

...and ran down the stairs as fast as I could, still in my pajamas...

"Oh, hello Miss Night. We were just thinking of going bird watching," Shannon answered

I think you should put: We were thinking about going bird watching. It sounds better.

This is kinda short for a chapter, so maybe you can add on to it.

Other than the things mentioned above I liked it. Good job, and keep writing.

I like it short.

Hey! I like this. It is short and simple, and leaves you wanting to know more. I like how you stated that it seemed like summer had just began, because that is how I felt.

The only part of it is...it is kinda short. I think that you could combine chapter 1 + 2 and then it would be a reasonable lenght, even if you like it short.

Flying pointed out the errors, and that is about all.


Good job!


BBB

I like how the first sentence is an exclamation. Your writing flows nicely, but you need to space it. Jena Night...what an awesome name! You make the reader wonder about the beach, like if there's some special reason Jena shouldn't go there. Anyway, I don't think she should look "frantically" for clothes. That's like--"Oh my God! I gotta find a shirt or else I'll DIE!" Just some word choice, okay?

Other than that, fantastic! Oh, and I like your avatar.

Hi,
Your avatar is so cute!!!

I knew that my parents did not like her, but that did not stop me from spending every [s]minutes[/s] with her.

minute

That's all I spotted. Nice job, but I don't think there was enough description to make a clear picture in the reader's mind. And when's the fantasy going to come in?
Otherwise, nicely written.

This was a nice piece. They're were only a few errors, which I changed and marked in bold:

Pawprint wrote:CHAPTER 1

I could not believe it! Summer was almost at its end. School will be starting in only two weeks when it felt like it just ended yesterday. I thought about my summer events and realized all I did was spend great summer days with my best friend. She is quite odd with her unusual bright red hair and green eyes that seem to almost glow. I knew that my parents did not like her, but that did not stop me from spending every minutes with her.
"Jena! Shannon is here!" my mother shouted from downstairs. I jumped up from bed and ran down the stairs as fast as I could, still in my pajamas.
"Jena!" Shannon greeted me as we hugged.
Hey! What is our plan today?" I asked eagerly. Shannon always had the greatest ideas.
"Well, I was thinking of going..." Shannon stopped talking as my mother walked in.
"Going where?" my mother asked innocently.
"Oh, hello Miss Night. We were thinking about going bird watching," Shannon answered, smiling. I made a face. This was not one of Shannon's great ideas. My mother turned away from Shannon to face me. I looked at Shannon as she winked, I smiled. Shannon was such a good liar.
"Jena, you know the rules. You are not to go anywhere near the beach. I would not want to see the top stories on CNN being about your death, you understand?" I nodded, showing that I did understand.
"Before you go on your little bird watching adventure, go change," demanded my mother as she pointed up the stairs.
"I know mom," I said as I rolled my eyes in Shannon's direction. I ran up the stairs and looked frantically around my room for something to wear. I spotted a pair of faded blue jeans and a lime green shirt. I quickly threw them on and ran back down the stairs. My mother was now gone leaving Shannon alone in the....
"Ready Einstein?" Shannon asked me as she eyed my unbrushed black hair. I touched my [b[frizzy[/b] hair and smiled.
"Ready," I answered as we ran out of the house laughing.

The second to last change was made because the senetence was a bit awkward. Try going for something like "My mom was now gone leaving Shannon alone in (insert room)". Besides those few errors, the piece was enjoyable. The voice fit the character well, and Shannon's and Jena's interactions makes the reader curious. It's nice that you didn't immediately put the fantasy aspect into the story, it can help build suspense. So, yeah, I would read more of this piece. Just try to separate the paragraphs so it's easier to read.

I liked this, Paw! It is very intriguing! All the mistakes that I saw have been pointed out already (woe is me!) except for one: you need to space out the paragraphs more. This is just a thing you should do whenever you post anything on YWS

I'll give you an example:

I could not believe it! Summer was almost at its end. School will be starting in only two weeks when it felt like it just ended yesterday. I thought about my summer events and all I did was spent great summer days with my best friend. She is quite odd with her unusual bright red hair and green eyes that seem to almost glow. I knew that my parents did not like her, but that did not stop me from spending every minutes with her.

"Jena! Shannon is here!" my mother shouted from downstairs. I jumped up from bed and ran down the stairs as fast as I could, still in my pajamas.

"Jena!" Shannon greeted me as we hugged.

Hey! What is our plan today?" I asked eagerly. Shannon always had the greatest ideas.

Yeah, so that's it... other than that, nice piece you have here!

See you later,
~Azila