Missing You

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Missing You

“It’s been a while,” I say, taking the seat across from him.

“Yeah, I know.” He slides his hand nervously over the stiff plastic menu. Part of me wants an apology, a reason why. Then again, the moment is now. I don’t want to waste these few precious hours.

“How’ve you been?”

“Alright, I guess. You?”

“Fine. Enjoying the book tour.”

“I was a little surprised when you called,” he laughs, “I could have used a little more warning.”

“It would have ruined it though.”

“I guess. How many more stops do you have here?” A young girl sets down a cup of tea, her pale skin tight against her skeleton. She bows slightly before walking away, permitting her back hair to sway with each step.

“I have two more, one in Tokyo and then one Kyoto. I didn’t think I’d actually get to come, but the book did so well in the US and Britain, my agent was able to convince the publishers to translate it and send it out.”

“Why did they send you to Misawa?”

“They didn’t. I made the schedule myself and made a large enough time gap to swing through.” He fidgets again, unwilling to ask what he really wants to know. Beating the bush till all its leaves fall off. “I wanted to see you.”

For once he looks me directly in the eye, “Why?”

“What do mean why? We’re friends aren’t we? More like brothers.” Not exactly the response I had hoped for.

“I just don’t see why you went out of your way to see me, we talk to each other online.”

“You mean those hours when I send you messages and you don’t respond back?” I didn’t want to say it, I had no intention of saying it, but I did. All I wanted was a few minutes of company, not a drama scene.

“Oh, yeah, that.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say about it? What happened to you? You used to be so lively, energetic and now here you are. In a slump of a life.”

“We can’t all follow our dreams. Some of us have to stick with reality.” He made to get up, thumping down the money he owed. Headed for the door, ready to walk away and not look back.

“Why do you keep pushing me away!? You say words to me, but then you back away. Are you afraid?”

He was out the door already, making me grab my jacket and start the chase. He was moving quickly, faster than me as usual. “Come on, why are you being like this?” He keeps walking, ignoring my yells. “I didn’t fly halfway around the world for you to be a jerk!”

“I never asked you to come here,” his words are so flat, emotionless, but they cut me as if he were spouting forth profanities.

“You didn’t have to,” I look down, twisting my foot on the cool pavement. “You never understood did you?”

“What?”

“You’re the only person who gets me, the only one I don’t have to defend myself with. I’m allowed to be me, just me. Not the person everyone expects me to be. Do you know how long it’s been since I got to be real?” I feel the wind push moisture across my face, diverting the river coming from my eye.

Silence, All I hear is silence despite the constant motion around us. I want you to respond, but fear what your words will be, you never were very good with them. It probably didn’t help when I corrected you all the time. I doubt myself now; maybe I’m being over sensitive as usual. Maybe I’m just…

I feel your arms wrap around me, clutching tightly, “We’re bros, Shrimp.” he backs away, smiling, just like I remember it. He’s still different, but just older. I feel five again, young and ignorant while you protected me from the things that happened to you. Do you even remember anymore? Do you remember all the terrible things that happened? Either way, I guess I have to protect you too, from the things that have happened to me.

“I say this calls for a game of Halo,” I say happily.

“I do agree, I’ve been wanting to pound on you for a while now, Shrimp.”

“I’m six feet tall, I think I deserve to be called Jumbo Shrimp.”

“You are putting on a little weight.” I hit his shoulder in mock shock and anger, laughing at once. We can’t contain ourselves and the attention of the passersby is drawn to us. It doesn’t matter though, this is our reality and for once it’s real.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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I sort of like this. Haha, that sounds silly, but I am a little confused by it all. I'm not sure if it was just me, but this was terribly hard to follow. In terms of who was speaking when. The peice itself was okay, not exactly mind-blowing nor engaging really. I'm not sure what it was, a combination of confusion and general lack of interest I think.

It seemed to start in the middle of nowhere, though it ended with a sembalence of clarity. This brings the reader to a sense of confusion, just starting the story. The fact that you dont give any real indication of where this is all going on (although we know it's in Japan and in a coffee house?). Perhaps if the events were more intriguing, attention grabbing, we could ignore the lack of senario. It just happens that I couldnt ignore it, all I could think was "where is this, who is speaking... what is going on??"

That said (lol) I think this has heaps of potential, a bit more clarity and some basic description should bring it up. ^.^

Any questions, rants, angry letters, feel free to pm me ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Penguin hit the nail on the head.

Despite your lovely voice and good dialouge, I just found it so hard to follow. In the begging I thought the left-behind-person was talking.....then I thought the book guy was talking...*confusion- falls over and hits head*

I like the odd relationship going on here. Your characters are exactly what they talk about- real. I just wish that I understood who was talking and what about.

Silence, All I hear is silence despite the constant motion around us.

Either the comma should be a full stop or the 'a' in all should not be caps.

He’s still different, but just older. I feel five again, young and ignorant while you protected me from the things that happened to you.

Quick jump of POV. This is what makes it confusing. He...then you.....

Overall, this needs expanding with less confusion. Once that's done, I think it will be an intriguing piece. I did like the majority of it.

Alainna
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Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Ha! That last part was funny. Though, I didn't see a point to the whole thing, or maybe that was what you had intended? Anyway, I liked how you dove in with the challenge of writing in present tense. It's really hard! Anyway, the only thing I noticed was:

“Fine. Enjoying the book tour.”


Isn't Enjoying the book tour a question? Maybe not. Maybe I just can't read.
Anyhow, I didn't see any other errors. Good job! This is really good!

Oh yeah, I did notice something else. Floating heads. Ever heard of them? They aren't good, and it makes the reader loose track of who is talking.

Example:

“You mean those hours when I send you messages and you don’t respond back?” I didn’t want to say it, I had no intention of saying it, but I did. All I wanted was a few minutes of company, not a drama scene.

“Oh, yeah, that.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say about it? What happened to you? You used to be so lively, energetic and now here you are. In a slump of a life.”


Unless your charactors have a distinct personality, don't do this. Add who is talking. I couldn't tell who was talking!

Other than that, that is all that I found. Good job!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore