Jouney's Dawn chapter.1 Part 2

In full with major edits at:

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Fantasyartist wrote:Finally I managed to [s]managed to [/s]catch up with her and grabbed her before she could go any further.

Fantasyartist wrote:Elayna carried on struggling nonetheless and tried to prise my hands apart. She almost succeeded but I held firmly and eventually she gave up and lay limp in my arms, her shoulders heaving as she breathed heavily. I only let her go when I was sure she had calmed down though I kept hold of a hand to make sure she wouldn’t escape again so easily. She sank to her knees and I was forced to crouch.

When I read "prise my hands apart" it didn't sound like Elayna was trying to get away from Seth's grip; but rather split his own hands! Probably it would work better if you wrote, "prise my hands away" or something like that. Elayna lying limp in his arms, I already imagined her on the ground so it made me backtrack when you wrote that she sank to her knees.

Fantasyartist wrote:“Aren’t you afraid?” [s]he[/s]I asked. She didn’t answer.

Fantasyartist wrote:There was a noise outside, like as if a flock of birds had just passed.

"Like" and "as if" mean the same. Ommit either one.

Fantasyartist wrote:I would need something to defend myself with, I didn’t intend to be taken prisoner.

The coma usage here doesn't seem right. I'd put a semi-colon or a period.

Fantasyartist wrote:“I’m sorry, it‘s for your own good,” said Elayna from behind me and I was aware of a dull pain [s]in[/s]at the back of my head and my world went black.

"And" is repeated in this sentence. It doesn't flow well for "my world went black". That particular phrase should give an impact but it didn't here. Suggestion: "I'm sorry, it's for your own good," said Elayna from behind me. I suddenly became aware of a dull pain at the back of my head. It was then when my world went black.

Fantasyartist wrote:It was the ringing of metal on metal that woke me up, the familiar sound of people fighting.

Fantasyartist wrote:It’s for your own good… Her voice broke through from my memories.

Fantasyartist wrote:It’s because you’re not a warrior. If you had to, would you kill a man? said a voice in my mind.

I'd put italics.

Fantasyartist wrote:I searched for a place of solace in my mind[s] and found one[/s]. Happily I plunged myself into the escape; the storm of confusion. From there I drew eldritch from the winds of magic. I forced it against whatever had taken hold of me and fought for what felt like hours until it finally shattered.

Just some suggestions. This paragraph is rather confusing. I couldn't understand what the "escape" was. Hope you can clear this up.

Fantasyartist wrote:They were men, women, older, younger, light haired or dark haired. The only thing they all shared was that they were all dead.

These two sentences rather frustrated me. I didn't like this description. Maybe it'd be better like this: They were men and women; some old and some young, even light-haired and dark-haired. But the only thing they all shared was that they were all dead.

I didn't find much that was off except for the beginning that started off rather abruptly. I really like where your story is going. It's interesting that you introduced Elayna as a person rather afraid and naive but later on showed her as one who actually knows how to fight and defend herself. I did love the ending. I will definitely read the next part. Hope I've been helpful!

Elayna carried on struggling nonetheless and tried to prise my hands apart. She almost succeeded but I held firmly and eventually she gave up and lay limp in my arms, her shoulders [s]heaving[/s] as she breathed [s]heavily[/s].

'heaving' and 'heavily' sound the same, it makes an unpleasant chime. I'd suggest using some other word.

And also, the wording was great, but it didn't really paint a vivid picture of the scene. A little description would help, I suppose.
Overall, very well-written, and I look forward to seeing more.

Back : ) So this is part two, eh? Well, onward, onward, then!


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If you stop struggling then neither of us will die.‘Struggling‘, again? ‘Struggling’ is already above. Consider changing it to a word with a similar meaning. And then, just a bit downward, there is ‘struggling’ again.

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She almost succeeded but I held firmly and eventually she gave up and lay limp in my arms, her shoulders moving as she breathed heavily.
There is a serious lack of commas up there. I mean, it seems to be okay, but there’s no commas! How weird is that? Like, one comma. Comma before ‘but‘? Still, I suppose it’ll survive without it.

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I only let her go when I was sure she had calmed down though I kept hold of a hand to make sure she wouldn’t escape again so easily.
Add comas, or rephrase. Reread.

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She looked as if she was having a mental breakdown as she hugged her legs with a single arm, I suspected it wasn’t far from the truth.
The first part of the above sounds awkward - consider rephrasing that?

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“You’ll make sure neither of us dies?” she asked as she stared disconcertingly into my eyes.
Just to make it look differently (as there is a lot of ‘she did this, and she did that’), consider changing ‘she asked as she stared disconcertingly’ into ‘she asked, staring disconcertingly’. I was about to suggest that in the part were she ‘struggled wildly’, but in the end I didn’t.
Edit: I would like to see her facial expression, innocence, or fear, or something like that in her eyes. Just let me see her, add a tag.

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Elayna looked shocked and even more terrified as she stared over my shoulder and her lip quivered. As I stood
You really do have a lot of ‘as she’, don’t you? Consider rephrasing so as not to repeat that so much.

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Even though I was staring at death I couldn’t help but feel impressed.
Comma. After ‘death’.

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Approaching were five suits of Armour, each almost twice as tall as a man and broad, all armed with a sword, axe or mace.
Very nice description, but ‘approaching were’ = ‘approaching us were’?

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these birds wouldn’t wait; they were winged infantry, they would plunge into the heart of the town.
The part after the semicolon is run-on. Use a linking word, or split this.

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It was then that I realised how hard my heart was beating.
Very nice.

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I couldn’t escape the sound, it constantly drummed in my ears.
Rephrase as it is run-on.

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I realised I was indeed trembling, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
Run-on, but can easily be cleaned up by adding e.g. ‘that’ after the comma.

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“I swear I saw someone go in, Captain,” said a voice.
Wow, that was really abrupt. It’s as if you had this sudden idea, quickly wrote it down, went on with the story, and forgot to really connect it with what was before. I do that a lot. But if I’m wrong, then you still need to make this smoother. Blend it in with the rest. Make him, e.g., surprised. Make him hear steps, or something.

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her voice broke through from my memories.
Unclear sentence alert. And ‘her’ should be capitalized, I think.

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Groggily, I pulled myself up but a sudden bout of dizziness forced me to sit up against the wall.
Comma before ‘but’.

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It’s because you’re not a warrior. If you had to, would you kill a man? said a voice in my mind.
The part till ‘said’ should be in italics, and then ‘said’ into ‘asked’

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"Can you do it master?" I had asked.
Comma before ‘master’. And shouldn’t it be capitalized? Everywhere else it is.

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"Barely, but I suspect you could boy and easily at that.
Comma before and after ‘boy’.

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But the only thing they all shared was that they were all dead.
I would advice you to get rid of the ‘but’.

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What? I thought as I collapsed to my knees in shock.Either put the question in italics or rephrase it so that thought isn’t just swimming about.


Okay, now that we’re done with that, let’s get to the more interesting part. Impressions. Written in a detached way, yes, but that is because I wrote them down as I read, and the reviewed them. Anway, here we go.


-> I did not know that the situation is so very dire. Really. Somhow, in the first part, I though that the attack was ‘normal’. An everyday situation. Maybe you should make Seth thik about it more, about the consequences, etc.
-> The first longer paragraph. Elayna did this, she did that. She b l a n k, she b l a n k. Change the sentence structure, show, not tell. It was an interesting paragraph, but made boring.
-> Also, is ‘armour’ the British version for ‘armor’? I think so, because Word kept correcting it, and you had the extra ‘u’ all through the story.
-> Oh, but the armory. Such an important place, and I know nothing about it. Add, perhaps, a short description of it?

Oooh, and who is Kel?


Cheers,
Esme


P.S. PM me when the third part is posted, ok? ^_^

Oh, I thought this part 2 meant chapter 2. But oh well, thanks for the PM!

...her shoulders moving as she breathed heavily.

Oh dearie, I dislike "moving" replacing "heaving". I don't disagree with flytodreams about changing it but turning it to "moving" is kinda degrading, don't you think? I can't think of any other word than "heaving"(but I think it's alright as heaving) though, so can't be of much help here.

...she hugged her legs with a single arm, I suspected it wasn’t far from the truth.

Ah, ah... reading this again... I feel the coma's wrong. I'm leaving it up to you on how to correct it.

There was a sudden explosion near us and we were thrown back and enveloped in a cloud of dust as masonry was thrown into the air.

And and and.. repeatedly. Sentences should flow, yes.. but conversely, they can dim a potential spark. You have to catch all these oppurtunities on when to flow and when to spark. Well, I call it spark.

“Elayna?” I asked as the dust cleared.

I think this is more like calling rather than asking.

Elayna looked shocked and even more terrified as she stared over my shoulder and her lip quivered.

Again, this sentence has a problem of having too much flow although you didn't repeat "and". I suggest you stop at "shoulder" and continue another sentence or something similar with her lip quivering. I really loved your idea here, though. Gave me nice chills.

Approaching were five suits of Armour, each almost twice as tall as a man and broad, all armed with a sword, axe or mace.

Hmm hmm.. I think "Armour" shouldn't be capitalized? Is it a name? And I'd put a semi-colon after "broad".

One of the three magic control organs that separates you from the many Basics out there.

...you'll still have to master the control to channel specifically through that, and it takes a strong mind for that to happen.

Er. I don't know why, but I'm really confused with your words here. Channel what?

Barely, but I suspect you could, boy, and easily at that.

It was like walking into a massacre.

I don't think it's metaphoric. He did walk into a massacre. So there's no need to make it into a metaphore with "like". Common mistake.

Personally, I'm not too fond of using "and" too much. So sadly I was kinda agitated whenever you kept using "and", making the sentences flow too much.

It's much much clearer on how Seth broke the spell. It was a lovely part you added, as well! I don't think it's necessary to put it in italics, though.

Reading this for another time I caught more things to critique on, so, hope you don't mind.

Generally, I think it's better. Good job! Make sure you PM me with the next part!
Fye.

Calamity struck.My computer broke down and chewed up my first draft. *head/desk*
Now this has become draft 1.5.

On a brighter note, I've made changes and after reviewing myself, brought a book on grammer. I'll hopelly use it and the advice from you lovely people to make my writing better. Avant thee!

P.S. Who is Kel? Well you'll see.....let's just say this is a big hit for Seth.