In Darkest Night

In darkest night
of silent fright
the rockets glare
to solemn whispers
of beating hearts.

In darkest night
of ending fight
the white swan sings
to fading dreams
of lifeless things.

This is good so far, maybe a few tweeks with line order (for instance it might flow better if you left out "to solemn whispers of" and just made it to beating hearts, but brought it in later because that line is nice in discribing the watching crowd's thoughts). I almost feel like it needs to keep going, like I like the feeling of it, but I'm not entirely sure what is going on, such as why are the rockets glaring? is there a war? It's good, but you should keep going with it.

I agree with X, was there a war going on? Where is the character? What's the emotion? Is the character is pain? What's going on? I think you should expand this a little more, in fact I recommend you do. Hope this helps. No pressure though.

-Max

It is kinda vague, isn't it? Yeah it is about war (kinda forgot you guys didn't know lol) and I meant to keep it vague, but not as much so that you didn't know what the it was about. I thought that stuffing a character in there would defeat the view of the bigger picture so I didn't put it in. *Maybe* the void of emotion was intentional, but then again I wouldn't put a white swan there if that was what I was intended.

Thanks for the feedback

Rjjr_vectra,


This is a tortured meandering on the way to a questionable point (was there a point?).

There are all sorts of problems here, beginning with a first line that goes "thud" when it hits the reader.

I suggest you start over.


Best,
Brad

my teacher once taught me something that might help you. when writing poetry you can't just be all philosophical, or else the audience is lost. big balloon words such as "love, hate, dispair, confusion, ect" must be anchored by bricks, or else the balloon will just take off and be lost. the bricks are discriptions and detail, such as things that will resonate with the audience. keep that in mind and try editing your work.

as E.B. White once said "Be obscure clearly".