Faith: Chapter One

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Thanks for the reviews, everybody! Anyway, here the story starts. Enjoy!

Chapter One: The Maid and Me

The first time I saw the Skeletal Hand was when I was in the tower, just ready to fall asleep. The maid had dusted the white marble floors, washed the rubies that were set in the wall, and mopped the staircase. She always did that before bed, to get rid of her need to clean. I would not mind living in a dirty castle, but it probably would not get dirty anyway. The maid and I were the only inhabitants of the castle.

“Maid?” I would ask as I climbed onto the silken sheets of my bed. “Why is the castle so empty?”

“Faith,” replied. “Too many people means too many people to rely on. It’s easier this way.”

The maid would then leave, huffing and puffing and fixing her hair.

Why I am the ruler of this castle is a mystery to me. I am not a human. I am a Moon Child. A what? I’m not sure I know myself. I’ve never seen another one like me. I look some like the castle guard dogs, but they can’t speak, and walk on four legs. I walk on two, and do not have the slobbery snout of other dogs. Mine is more like that of a rabbit’s, quivery and dainty. My ears are like the feather boas that the maid wears on special occasions, only hers are hideous.

I was left with the castle after someone died. (I can’t say “ parents” because I have none.) The maid says I was abandoned as a newborn here, but she beyond that, her lips are sealed. Sometimes I felt like the castle was too beautiful for me. The velvet rugs were clean and fresh-smelling, dropped delicately over the winding staircases. The entire place seemed to be white marble, except for the walls, which were crusted from ceiling to floor with rubies. I couldn’t find a spiderweb no matter how hard I tried, and when I flopped back on my bed, dust didn’t fly everywhere.

The most spectacular thing about the castle was the maid. She wore a black dress and white apron, and was always armed with a feather duster. Her gray hair was piled above her head in a stubborn beehive. She spent most of her time in the kitchen, prancing about on the checkered floor while making snacks for me. Most of them were quite delicious, but there once was a caramel and spaghetti sauce casserole that I just couldn’t get down.

She tried to keep me in my room. More mysteries. But when all the puzzles were completed, all the books were read, and all the toys exhausted, I got itchy paws. One night, long after I should have been asleep, I decided to take a walk.

As I tiptoed under the enormous golden arch on the outside of my room, I stared at the endless castle before me. My chosen path was the marble bridge that crossed over the first floor, and had banners hanging from the golden posts that supported it. I had never been in that direction, and was curious to see what was across the bridge.

I ran over it, but stopped in my tracks at a humming sound. I thrust my head over the side of the bridge to see the maid cleaning. She danced in circles on the floor, oddly graceful and wild for a woman her age. Her hair, released from its beehive, tumbled like white tentacles over her shoulders. I watched her dance freely over the ballroom, waving her duster. And then I heard singing.

“Step by step
across the land
to flee, to fight,
to take a stand.

The moon’s cruel darkness
Hides them all
Yet one by one
They all will fall.

Till she alone
With fur of red
Is left to face
The living dead.

Protect the baby
The last, eleven
And know she’s safe
When you watch from heaven.”



Eager to hear more, I made myself comfortable. But the maid had seen me. She grabbed the nearest thing to her, which was a glass vase, and flung it at me, screaming. It smashed against a post and shattered into bits. The maid destroying her own antiques? Something was weird. I heard the maid stomping up the stairs and fled for my life. Why was she doing this?

I crossed the bridge and found myself in a circular room. There were three doors, one in front, one to the left, and one to the right. Without thinking, I charged into the left door, flung it open, and shut it behind me.

The maid’s snortish breathing passed the door, and I relaxed. I was in some sort of a storage room, where dusty chairs and broken mirrors littered the floor. I had never seen a room so messy. My footprints stood out clearly in the thick dust and my breath forced clouds of dirt off the walls. A blurry, rose-patterned window was set in the far end of the room, beaded with heavy rain.

From outside, I heard the moat roaring and spilling over onto the path. Rolling thunder echoed over the castle grounds, bouncing off the towers, back and forth like in pinball. I pushed open the window to get a better look.

The strawberry bushes were practically torn from the ground, and the skinny trees bent they touched the ground. A log bucked around in the stormy lake. A bolt of lightning seared the sky, ripping the air and crashing into the castle wall, which crumbled in one place. “The maid is just as berserk as this weather,” I mumbled.

I closed the window and sat on a dusty stool. Every sound in this room was muffled by the dust and cobwebs. No one had been in here for ages. But as my eyes scanned the piles of junk, they caught a bright, out-of-place glimmer. Intrigued, I followed the light to an intricately-carved wooden table. Looking at the designs, I saw creatures that resembled myself frolicking in a meadow. Each held something different. I looked back at the top of the table and my breath caught in my chest.

I had never seen such a beautiful instrument! The flute was narrow as a bird’s bone and carved from redwood. Delicate designs flew down its sides. I gingerly picked it up and put my lips to the cold silver tip.

But before I could blow, the maid entered the room with a sickening crash and, swinging her broom, chased me out. “Get out!” She cried. “You heard it! You heard it!”

I had never seen the maid like this. She must have been in a bad mood from the pie she had burnt it the oven. Or maybe it was the song she was singing. It didn’t matter to me much. The maid wasn’t exactly an opera star, so maybe she was just embarrassed. Still, it was no reason to get hysterical.

She finally stopped running when I paused to rest on a velvet stool, and leaned against the jeweled wall to talk to me. “Faith, dearest,” she said. “ You heard the song. Didn’t you?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t understand the words.”

“Tell me what I said.”

“I don’t know!”

“Yes you do!”

“Fine!” I yelled. “You talked about steps and death and…things like that.”

“Go to bed.”

I stomped away, head down and ears drooping. I wondered if the maid was very mad at me. I wondered if I would be locked in my room forever.

My room was quaint and pretty. Not a thing was out of place. I had no personal possessions, only my part of the courtyard that belongs to me. I was forbidden to own anything, so I grew up using what belonged to the maid.

“ Faith,” I told myself. “ You don’t belong here.”

And I didn’t. I was meant to be wild and free like the griffins that circled the castle towers. I was not a castle creature, nor royal; I was just a prisoner.

I flopped down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My paws fiddled with the flute. The window rattled harder and harder, until the pane fell loose and shattered on the floor. I jumped, alarmed. Then I saw some oddly-solid mist floating around the room.

No. I was imagining it.

Or was I?

The mist was still there, coiling like bundles of creamy snakes. It started to wrap around my bed, but I screamed, “ No! Go away! Now!”

The mist recoiled, going back out the window. I curled up in bed. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something sneak back into my room. I looked harder and froze.

It was a skeletal hand, clawing at the walls… And it was definitely real. I tried not to breathe, wondering what kind of evil apparition this was. The Skeletal Hand’s fingers clenched slightly, and it turned around to face me. The fur on the back of my neck spiked. “Maid! Maid!” I screamed, throwing myself out of bed.

I ran down the hallway and through myself, sobbing, at the maid’s door. She opened it a second later, her hair in a dreadfully ugly nightcap. “Faith? What is it?”

“A hand…in my room.”

“What?” The maid froze. She pushed me aside and peered into the dark hallway. I clung to her leg (I couldn’t get my arms around her middle) and stared into the darkness with her. Then I saw a flash of white bone, and I felt like I was going to be sick.

The maid grabbed my shoulder tightly. “Faith, go now. Don’t look back.”

“Why? What is it?” I demanded.

But the maid had lost sense entirely. As the Hand drifted closer and closer, she babbled unintelligible things like, “Courage trusted me to protect you…now look…he’s found us…” Then her eyes flew open and seemed to see me clearly for the first time that night. “Faith, do you have the flute?”

I nodded quickly and held out my paws for her to see it. “Is there something wrong? What is going on, maid?”

At that moment, there was a terrible creaking from the maid’s bathroom door. Whirling around, I saw five skeletons fall out in a jumble of bones. Each carried a curved sword, and I could have sworn I saw a menacing expression on the chalky white bone of their skulls. Cackling insanely, they lunged for us. I screamed and hurled myself onto the maid’s four-poster bed. A skeleton lunged after me and swung his sword. It tore through the silk drapes around the bed and splintered the posts.

I crawled from the wreckage and made a dash towards the window. It was locked. I frantically jiggled the lock. It cracked after a few tries and the window swung open. Before jumping out, I dared a glance over my shoulder. The maid was struggling in the grip of the skeletons. One had a sword pressed against her throat. The Skeletal Hand hovered over her. “Maid, no!” I cried tearily.

“Run!” she yelled.

I swallowed hard. I couldn’t leave her, but…the Skeletal Hand was drifting towards me again. Taking a deep breath, I heaved myself onto the windowsill and looked down. The tower seemed to stretch down forever into the gloom. Holding tightly to the sill, I lowered myself outside the room. Rainy wind battered my light, delicate body, and I worried I might be blown away. Water drops pattered onto the windowsill. I could feel my pads slipping on the wet marble.

I lost my grip. My stomach got left behind as I plummeted through rainy darkness. I was going to die!

Thunk!

Stars danced in my vision. I felt like every body in my bone was broken. Groaning in agony, I heaved myself off the ground, the mud making a sucking sound as I did so. My blurred vision could pick out a square of light many, many feet above my head. Maid. The maid was in there. I willed myself to go back and fight, but my heart would not let me. I was too afraid. I had never witnessed evil magic before. In fact, I had scarcely witnessed any magic. Now, I could barely comprehend what was happening.

I just knew I had to get away.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Okay... you need to slow down. So many things are happening, it doesn't feel very significant when the hand and skeletons appear. More details and more feelings from Faith would help ;D

This is a very good part of the story, but we don't really get to know very much about Faith. There are some really nice details about her, but she seems.. distant, and at times childish. For example, the dialogue between she and the maid sounds out of character. In the first part with Courage, Maid seemed like a completely different person.

Anyway, besides that and a few typos, it's very interesting. I'm wondering what is going to happen to her. Where she is going to go...... who is she going to meet......... and all that :D :D :D :D :D Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Very quick! Maybe you should have added more description so it wasn't all in one chapter (Part...)

I think you've really rushed us through the story, I'm not quite sure who looks like what and how everything happened.


Take your time, although it may feel boring while your writing it, It's creating more suspence for us!

Altogether, quite good though :)

Well done!




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Muchas gracias for the comments! Sorry that this is so rushed; I can fix that. And Seraph, thanks for the idea of going more into Faith's head. I didn't even think of that! *hits self on head with dictionary*
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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OO" Please tell me that was a SMALL dictionary..... XDXDXD
You're welcome. :D :D :D
-.-* I did something like that with Songwood. Not showing enough emotion makes Kate a little shallow. XDXDXDXD.....XO
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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I noticed a few errors in grammar:

The strawberry bushes were practically torn from the ground and the skinny trees were bent and touching the ground.


I crawled from the wreckage and made a dash towards the window. It was locked. I frantically jiggled the lock. It cracked after a few tries and the window swung open. Before jumping out, I dared a glance over my shoulder. The maid was struggling in the grip of the skeletons. One had a sword pressed against her throat. The Skeletal Hand hovered over her. “Maid, no!” I cried tearfully


This was a good piece and had wonderful description, but it lacked any sort of transition. It seemed rushed and I can't quite relate to the characters. I think there should be more conflict between the maid and the protagonist after she heard the song and more inner conflict within the protagonist after she ran away from the castle. Otherwise, a good piece. It has a nice hook and it keeps you interested.




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Yay!!! The first chapter is up!!!! :D

It was very well-written, I like what happened. But the pace could be slowed down, it went at a breakneck speed. Otherwise, very interesting, and great job!!! :D
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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Chapter Two is up now; you can check out my profile to read it. Faith thanks you all for the comments!
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Hey! Again, wonderful. Yeah, it is kinda rushed, but I mean, whose isn't? If yours isn't then bite me.


lol anyway, I loved it. You create suspense, and like the others said, the whole Skeltal Hand thingy wasn't as scary as you could have made it. Make her not get away so easily. Make something happen. Make her drop the flute and have to go and pick it up, with the hand right at her ankles. Something like that. Readers like to see the charactors fail and then succeed.

Great job! I'm loooking forward to reading #2.

BBB
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Would love help on this.




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I just lost about 90% of my interest in the story.

It was beyond rushed, and you broke a few key rules. Grammar, word choice and what seemed to be an author's comment within the story!

Berserk...weather? Perhaps terrifying, but never berserk. Bad word choice.

Why was the maid the one to find and keep this moon child. How did she become accepted within the castle and not killed immediately upon discovery?

Does the maid write songs? How else does she know about the events prior to recieving the child, how many children there were and what about this fight and take a stand part? She knows stuff that was never dealt with in the prologue and this is really not anything more then awkward without a basis for knowing these things.

Another thing, why does she suddenly flip out then when discovered? If she's the protector of Faith why in the world is she chucking vases and attacking her? Unless she has serious mood swings which was never brought up prior this is just awkward!

Okay...now for the skeletal hand. Why so easy to flee from it? How did it get into a castle with guard dogs? Who even takes care of guard dogs, a lowly maid? A completely abandoned castle that is livable? Such things just do not make ANY sense.

Things are just not adding up and you rush through with so many trival details that do not add any depth to the characters or establish a kind of life, everything is just "oh this and this, and did you know this?" with absolutely no understanding of the story.

If its not important to the story or develops the character or critical to a setting, why is it in the story?



Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.
— George Orwell, 1984