Phone call

lost-my-mind · 2007-10-15T22:37:59Z

“So how is your day been?” “It’s been okay, I guess. Everything just sucks now that I have had to move and I can’t touch you.” “I know how you feel, I really do. I keep thinking about the games we use to play…” “Oh really? Well you better not play them with anyone else ever!” “But really I miss you Matt, it’s just been hard being without you. Oh well there is only 2 more weeks until you return, but that seems like ages away.” “Well would you like me to serenade you my dove? It will make you be thankful of the wait.” “Did you hear that? I think someone is in the house.” “But isn’t everyone away for the weekend?” “yes! But Matt I’m serious I think there is someone in the house….” “It’s okay sweetie, I’ll stay on the phone with you.” “Thanks…hello is anyone there?” “Keep calm my dove.” “What do you want? Who are you?” “Is someone there? Please speak to me.” “Please don’t. don’t ! DON’T!!” “Are you alright?” “What are you doing? It’s my boyfriend on the phone. Give me the phone back!” “Hello boyfriend. I have a lovely show for you to listen to Matt, so don’t go anywhere.” “What are you doing to her? Leave her alone or I’ll call the cops.” “ Call the cops you say? I am the cops. I’ll just leave the phone here so you can listen to me doing what you will never have the balls to do.” “Put me down! Put me down!” “Put you down you say, I’ll put you down here” He heard a heavy plonk is heard in the background, followed by the sound of running water, then a scream. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” “It’s so cold, so cold” “Of course my dear, how could I be so rude. Would you like it hot? Well who wouldn’t?” A piercing scream rings through his ears, making his eyes fill with tears. “Why..why are you doing this to me?” “Why you ask… Well my dear, I have watched you for weeks, your every movement intriguing and exciting me. So do you think I would let an opportunity like this pass me by?” “What’s that in your hand?” “Leave her the fuck alone! I’m warning you I will hunt you down, and kill you.” “Warning me are you? Well it looks to me as if you cannot do anything to save your precious dove.” A crunch of bone stops him form speaking. “Please stop. I’m begging you please stop.” “Stop? You want me to stop? I have only just begun.” “Matt you have twelve days before I kill her. We shall be off now. Goodbye. Go on say goodbye to your love, little dove.” “Save me, please I love you.” That was it. They were gone.

PenguinAttack

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Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:15 am

PenguinAttack says... · Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:15 am

I think that this may work better with some more description. Just small things, like that she's in the bathroom painting her nails or something, and that he is pacing in his front room. Some extra info about them. Might be handy to have her think about how this guy could have gotten in.

The dialogue is a little cliche, and a bit too quick for me. Yet, I think that is has some good lines and a huge amount of potential.

It left me wanting more, which is really brilliant. I liked it.

Keep it up love.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.

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lost-my-mind

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Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:21 am

lost-my-mind says... · Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:21 am

thanks everyone for the great feed back I am still writing it and after I have finished I will rewrite the first bit because you guys are right
but at least you all want to hear more

I must apologize for taking so long in posting the next bit, I'm a jumper Sorry!

Love you all!

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Angel of Death

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Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:46 pm

Angel of Death says... · Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:46 pm

This was great and I really really can't wait to read more. Right now I really think you should change this to PG-13. Anyways wow! Keep it up the good writing and if you could please look at my work and post a reply I'd appreciate it.
From a fellow writer, Summer

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Darren_Shan_Fan

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Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:07 pm

Darren_Shan_Fan says... · Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:07 pm

A really interesting story the first cupple of sentences were a bit boring but it was deffintily worth the wait!!!

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Skell

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Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:35 am

Skell says... · Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:35 am

I found it really interesting and loved the idea, but some of it was a little confusing, especially about who was talking at times and what exactly was happening, but it looks like it has potential(sp?)
Keep up the work

In the shadows i walk, through the light of life.

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