Elena Maionsa - Sept

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 461
I've been leader of the Coven for a week now and I'm silently cursing my mother more and more with each day that passes. How could she leave so abruptly? Why did she leave? These were the kinds of questions that Uncle Silo screeched at me when I walked shakily to my mother's study and bedroom; hoping to find her sitting there, but instead finding an empty chair.

"Elena..." A soft whisper cut through the silence and I jolted in my chair, sitting straight and shaking my head, realizing I had begun to dose. Turning round, I saw a shadow in the doorway; tall and foreboding. But, on a second glance and upon the movement into the pool of light from the small desk lamp, I saw that it was actually, very welcoming.

"Sorry, Adel. I must've dosed off..." I trailed off and glanced back to the papers that littered the study desk; scraps and notes, bills and spells, all left behind by my mother.

Where was she?

He sat on the edge of the plush armchair that stood beside the desk and watched me, worriedly. I ruffled my curled yet now frizzy, auburn hair and sat back in my chair, letting out an exhausted sigh.

"You need some sleep." He spoke softly, but I could sense the determination in his voice. He knew I wouldn't get any sleep, even if he told me to; but he was trying. "Tiring yourself out won't help. By the sounds of it, you've a busy day tomorrow. You've got to go to wo-"

"I don't work anymore. I can't juggle that around the Coven, I need to find my mother, and the pay was terrible." I smiled wanly at this last point - the pay was top notch, I just can't commit right now. "I've a lot of things to sort out here, you know that."

He sat silently a moment, his ocean blue gaze flitting over the papers scattered before me. Some had notes scrawled around the print - mostly mine - and others were just blank pieces of paper that I thought had a hidden meaning. I was getting paranoid, and we both knew it.

"No. You're going to go and get some rest, even if I have to force you." He nodded as he said this, almost as though he was confirming to himself that he would try and reason with me. Standing, he flicked the switch of the desk lamp off and the room filled with shadows. Moonlight crept in through the window and the small clock on the desk glowed; 12:43am.

"Adel..." I didn't like the dark.

I heard movement and the next thing I knew, he was picking me up from the chair; arms tucked beneath my legs and shoulders, supporting me sturdily. Letting out a slight gasp of surprise, I clung to him, knowing full well he wouldn't let me go. He walked slowly, carrying my gently as he opened the adjoining door to the study and made his way across the moonlit bedroom, laying me down quietly upon the buttercup sheets.

My shoulders released the tension and stress of the past week - tension I didn't even know I had, or had tried to ignore - and I let my eyes close just a little, sinking slowly into the comfort of the bed itself. Opening my eyes drowsily and with some effort, I tilted my head, looking up at Adel now and then sitting, kissing him lightly; our lips barely even touching.

"Night..." I murmured a little and fell back silently, falling asleep near enough as soon as my head hit the pillow. I tried to fight the sleep away; wanting to talk to Adel for a little while. He offered such support, comfort. I needed that the most right now, but sleep was weighing me down. I said I didn't need rest.

-----

I woke to a sound of shouting and groaned a little, rolling over to my back and opening my eyes; dreams slowly settling in the corners. I stretched lazily, creating a star shape on the bed as I sat, rubbing my eyes groggily to look around the bright, sunshine filled room.

The door opened and in burst Uncle Silo, a witch called Aimee and Adel. I pulled the covers around myself - now dressed in my pale blue nightgown...? - and frowned, focusing on the three sleepily.

"What on Earth are you doing? It's half past ten in the morning and here you are, lounging in bed. It's obvious that you don't take your position seriously." My Uncle Silo seethed, and marched across to my window, opening the curtains briskly; entering sunshine near blinding me.

"I... I'm sorry." I wasn't used to feeling so pressured. Especially by, this man. I began to get out of bed, only to be ushered back by Adel, who marched past me and took Silo's arm, pulling him from the room; a look of annoyance upon his face.

"What are you doing, release me this instant." His voice was muffled with the closing of the door, followed by some profanities; some from Adel himself.

"Elena, I'm here to help, 'Kay?" Aimee, a girl about two years younger than myself, waltzed over to the wardrobe and began pulling out clothes and shoes, humming softly to herself.

What in the world...?

"Adel says he's taking you out today. Something about trying to find your mother, oh I don't know." She huffed at herself a little and looked at the clothes strewn across the floor. I couldn't;t help but release a little laugh.
Worship the ginger monkey :) aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 317
As always, i love reading your work. It keeps me reading to the end, and waiting for more. so keep going will ya. :)

Kim




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
Quite good apart from one thing that really got to me. Your first paragraph. When I first saw it I was about to dismiss it as one of those always tell, never show stories. Thank heaven I carried on reading. Instead of having that bit about Elena's situation all in one paragraph, try to incopoate it into the rest of your story. Otherwise it might turn most readers off as they usually judge by what they read at the start. Oh, and there's also a punctuation typo in your lst sentence.

Apart from this, I found it quite an enjoyable read. I think this is your first venture in fantasy isn't it? I'd say it's pretty good for your first attempt.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 410
Good as usual but this piece had a few faults.

Firstly, this part was very short. Not much really happened and I've found some of the past pieces more gripping.

Secondly, tense. I really struggled to understand what tense you were trying to write in. Now, I'm useless at this myself and it's very easy to get confused, but this chapter really needs saving from evil tense mix-ups.
For example:
I've been leader of the Coven for a week now and I'm silently cursing my mother more and more with each day that passes. How could she leave so abruptly? Why did she leave?
etc.

I've been leader of the Coven for a week now and I'm silently cursing my mother more and more with each day that passes. How could she leave so abruptly? Why did she leave? These were the kinds of questions that Uncle Silo screeched at me when I walked shakily to my mother's study and bedroom; hoping to find her sitting there, but instead finding an empty chair.


Not a strong first paragraph. Maybe try incorporating her thoughts a little differently, through daydreams as she falls asleep and through conversation. Also, the action mentioned here would have been a great scene.

I just can't commit right now.


Again, tense problems.

He walked slowly, carrying [s]my[/s] gently as he opened the adjoining

*me

Opening my eyes drowsily and with some effort, I tilted my head, looking up at Adel now and then sitting, kissing him lightly; our lips barely even touching.


This is good but I would like more here. What's going on? How does she see him? How does he react to how she behaves. Just more feelings mostly.

I pulled the covers around myself - now dressed in my pale blue nightgown...? - and frowned, focusing on the three sleepily.


Rather than a question mark, which doesn't fit, try expanding on this. I suggest changing the whole sentence to make it more.....well, just MORE.

I couldn't;t help but release a little laugh.

*couldn't.
Laugh? Tell us more please as this seems a little odd!

Again, I like your writing style and I like your ideas, so keep it up!!

Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato