Reaching Up To Catch the Sun

Reaching up to catch the sun
By a tangled ray
"Stupid! It cannot be done!"
I hear the poeple say
By a tangled ray
You cannot catch the star
I hear the people say
"It's many mile too far"
You cannot catch the star
As hard as you may try
"It's many miles too far"
But I reach into the sky
As hard as you may try
You cannot catch the flame
But I reach into the sky
I keep going just the same
You cannot catch the flame
"Stupid it cannot be done!"
I keep going just the same
Reaching up to catch the sun

This was a bit too redundant. you kept repeating some lines. Also, you don't have any punctuation really, and the subject of the poem is kind of abstract.

Your probably new to poetry, so you probably don't really know what poetry is. I suggest you read some poetry books, which is the best way to learn. I have a copy of The Idiots Guide to Writing Poetry which is really helpful.

Best of luck. ^_^

I do agree that it is slightly redundant, but I actually liked this. I think that it being all together and not seperated into stanzas was slightly hard on the eyes.

I do like the main idea of the person reaching for a goal and not backing out when others say it's impossible and they can't do it. I've always liked that stuff and the rhyming is nice. So you get a thumbs up from me.

Good luck with your future writings.

Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Sorry guys! I should've explained what a "Pantoum" is. You complained because it was redundant, and not separated into stanzas. The point of a pantoum IS the redundancy scheme, called a repetition pattern. The pattern reuses lines, while maintaining an ABAB rhyme scheme. I'm not actually new to poetry. I have been writing poetry since I was in 1st and 2nd grade. A pantoum is a new form of poetry that I learned last year. The repetition pattern is as follows:
1
2
3
4
2
5
4
6
5
7
6
8
7
9
8
10
9
3
10
1

i hope this helps you better understand my poem!

Your explanation helps a lot, and actually has given me a way to better critique the poem.


Here is a link to another pantoum I found, and one I like a lot: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/st ... 980920.htm

You will notice, this is in stanzas, and it is a lot longer than yours. Are you, perhaps, missing the full extent of the form?

If you read the poem, also, you will see how the poem flows, and though the lines are repeated, they blend together with the other lines and fit so well that it only looks witty. You don't notice the repetitions because they don't stand out as repetitions; in fact it is a beautiful poem and it works quite well.

Your poem, on the other hand, is kind of choppy in that sense. The repetitions stand out, the lines don't flow together, it doesn't work the same. Not to mention, your poem is still lacking the feeling that this other one has.

Well, I say, even if you aren't new to poetry, it would help you to read poetry. ^_~ Your poetry (so far) seems kind of lifeless, almost. It needs more energy, emotion. It needs to pull me in, shake me, and make me feel.

Best of luck!

Dear Suzanne,
I'm sorry you don't appreciate my poem, it's one of my favorites. I don't know about that other pantoum, but it's not the way I learned it. Last year, my teacher taught me how to write them. I only write in the way he taught me. Very sorry you don't enjoy my style. However, there is no reason to be so negative. Try to be a little more positive. Anyway, this is the only way I know to write pantoums, and I apologize again for your lack of appreciation.
mindoverflow_812
ps. I love reading poetry especially Edgar Allen Poe! What about The Raven??? What a great poem!!! i love it!