Sneak Peek (sorta) Bernavid

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A bunch of unfinished and un-edited beginings for my story, which one do you like best?


It was a beautiful early spring morn, the sun was rising with a healthy golden shine, while seabirds wheeled around, looking for any chance of food, and shoals of fish swam by in the clear aquamarine waters.
Despite this all this beauty, not everyone was watching it in silent solitude, or with a good friend or family member.

One man was at the bow of his ship, telescope focused on another in front of him.
Buck Bret, Privateer of North Rhynadie, had sighted prey.
The ship in question was a merchant, easy pickings, unless there happened to be enemy Privateers around, which quite often were.

The merchant had apparently spotted Buck’s ship, because it had turned tail and was fleeing towards Daakur.

Buck quickly gave orders to give the merchant “dirty wind” which meant sailing directly behind the merchant so as to steal it’s wind. Effectively slowing the merchant down, and speeding Buck up.

(insert battle, unwritten so far)

The other ship, flying an altered jolly roger with whips instead of swords pulled away leaving the crippled ship behind.

Buck finding his prey was getting away roared out in a stentorian baritone. “Prepare the Longshot Rudderripper!

A long, narrow cannon was rolled to the front, loaded with small chainshot and the canon port opened. Buck himself came to the cannon and aimed it muttering irritably to himself. “A touch left, that dratted pirate! Two degrees up, take every gold doubloon on his confounded ship, and demand more bounty off that scummy contractor, there we go, all lined up. Eat cannonshot pirate scum!”

An explosion rocked the momentarily crippled ship, and a cannonball hissed through the air and smashed straight into the fleeing ships rudder. But the pirates still had a sail, which it used to limp out of reach of the stalled ship.

“I’ll get you yet Droud.” Buck muttered. “There’s only one place you can get to, and I’m going there to.

~~~~~

Droud shook with rage, one moment he had been sailing off with minimal damages, leaving another dratted pirate chaser stalled, the second he had no rudder. But at the moment Droud really wished he knew of some other island he could get to, with no rudder though, he didn’t see that he had any choice. Droud would have liked to have options since this particular pirate hunter was more dangerous than others; the fact that a man called Buck Bret manned the ship.

(chopped off and unfinished)

Another begining.


A short, stocky blonde haired man crouched in the brush, stealthily creeping up to an unsuspecting rabbit. He slowly brought his mace back to deliver a crushing blow when his chain clinked, faster than the eye could follow the man dropped the mace and whipped up a sling, to send a stone zinging after the running rabbit, it hit, dropping the rabbit stone dead.

“You’ve got some skill, that’s fer sure.”

The blonde haired was so surprised he jumped up, tripped over a tree root and rolled over, his dropped mace in hand.

(More variations on the some begining)

The day was bright and sunny, without clouds, and the birds chirped happily in the woodlands whilst squirrels gathered nuts in the sunbeams that shone through the leaves.
A man crouched in the brush.

(The first begining I thought up, which has chapters after it written, but this is a sneak peek)

The day was bright and sunny, without clouds, and the birds chirped happily in the woodlands whilst squirrels gathered nuts in the sunbeams that shone through the leaves.

A man crouched in the brush and waited patiently.
A sling stone of his whizzed out and ended a rabbit’s inquisitive chewing at a stalk of grass.

He stepped out from the brush, dressed in a light gray long-sleeved shirt, black pants and a pair of bandoleers across his chest.
As he stooped down to pick up his prize his long blond hair hid the fact that he had noticed another man stepping out of the trees.

The stranger was dressed in a red shirt, pants, and head wrap. His light boots black, like his belt and gloves. But the interesting thing was his looks, long red hair unusually dark, and his eyes, dark reddish-brown.
When the stranger had gotten further from the trees, the blond man stood up and inquired, “What ‘cha want?”
The response was not anticipated.

“Well, I was going to get that rabbit but then you got him so’s I thought I’d make thee acquaintance of such a good slingerdude, before I went to get meself a dinner. So what’s your story, huh? By the way the name’s Bernavid, and don’t ye dare call me Berny.”

It took a few seconds for the first man to regain his composure.

“Uh, Well I just thought this rabbit would be a good dinner, so I shot it, my name is Florian. Ay why don’t you come over and we’ll share it with some other things?”

“You gotta deal! Well, er, thank ye kindly.”

Florian chuckled, “you don’t have to thank me, just be yourself.”

“Hmm, sounds alright, but ye never know, ya might not like me being meself!”

%%%%%%%%%
Please note, I'm pretty sure I'm telling to much, but this is a draft, so, I'm going to fix that sometime.

Opinions are welcomed greatly.

All the characters you meet are in the story, but the question is, should I have the action scene first, or the passive, with the action right after? :smt102
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"

*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
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Pirates? *hopeful*

If these are pirates, HOT DOG!

Anyway, you're right, you do a lot more telling than showing, but if you're planning on fixing that, I won't ride you too hard. Also, this is a bit rushed, so take your time! Slow down, establish the scene some more before diving straight into the story.

What I'm saying applies to both beginnings, by the way. I'm not being specific because they were a bit too disjointed for me to follow, which is only because it's not linear and isn't completely written. It does get a bit confusing, but that's only because of the way it's posted.

And, you might want to do some research; factual inaccuracies will result in me stabbing you with me cutlass! If you have any pirate-related questions, I'll answer! It's kind of my area of expertise. :D

For example:
The other ship, flying an altered jolly roger with whips instead of swords pulled away leaving the crippled ship behind.

A Jolly Roger is the name of a pirate's flag, and every pirate has a different design on his or her Jolly Roger. The one you're thinking of, the skull over crossed swords, is the Jolly Roger of Calico Jack Rackham (who is like, the coolest pirate ever, for the record). So there's no such thing as an "altered Jolly Roger" since they're all different. Say something like, "The other ship flew a flag which bore a skull over two crossed whips" or something along those lines.

PM me if you have any questions! :D
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:

P.S. I think this belongs in Historical Fiction, but I can't say for sure.
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Beginning one

One man was at the bow of his ship, telescope focused on another in front of him.
Buck Bret, Privateer of North Rhynadie, had sighted prey.
The ship in question was a merchant, easy pickings, unless there happened to be enemy Privateers around, which quite often were.


-The paragraphing here looks rather strange. Maybe it was a typo but 'Buck Bret....' should be after the 'in front of him.'

The bit about 'dirty wind' also seems a bit info dumpy. Omit which meant sailing directly behind the merchant so as to steal it’s wind. and just have something like 'Buck watched as his ship stole the merchant's wind, speeding him up, and slowing it down.' Of course, these are only suggestions.

I like this because it has plenty of action in it and leaves us hanging but character developement lacks. (Leeway can be given for chapter one and prologues though I suppose as long as we know something about the character)

Beginning two

[i]
The blonde haired was so surprised he jumped up


Blond haired man? Try using young man, I have a feeling that he's wuite young by the way you write about him. If he's not then ignore.

He stepped out from the brush, dressed in a light gray long-sleeved shirt, black pants and a pair of bandoleers across his chest.
As he stooped down to pick up his prize his long blond hair hid the fact that he had noticed another man stepping out of the trees.


Strange paragraph structure again. However, I assume you just missed a space.

“Well, I was going to get that rabbit but then you got him so’s I thought I’d make thee acquaintance of such a good slingerdude,


Slingerdude? I would omit this if I were you, unless there is a good reason, modern slang doesn't go well with olden times speech.

Hmmm...not sure about this one. Leaves us with enough, but still not sure about character. Was a pretty short excerpt I suppose. However, I find that I like the first beginning better. Hope this helps.

P.S. like razorblade, I also might be able to help research for your story. I'm guessing the weaponry is of colonial era, and I happen to know about them. So if I'm right, ask any questions you might have and I'll try to answer them.




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Saint Razorblade -

Thanks for the crit! I'll be sure to ask you if I can't figure out something.
I never knew that jolly roger fact!

Actually while it has pirates in it, the story is about Privateers.
So I got caught up in writing about them, but stuck in a pirate flag on accident.

To help with my historical accuracy, I got 13 pages of boat/ship terms. A bit over board. :roll:

Anyway, hope I don't get stabbed with a cutlass in the future. :D


Fantasyartist -

Thanks for the crit!

'Buck Bret....' should be after the 'in front of him.'
I read that through a couple of times, and I think I see what you mean.

I'll have to write it differently then, the man is somewhere around 40.

The speech isn't set yet. If I can get all of the speech to flow right, I'm planning on using that type of talk for the one character, but if I can't get his speech through the whole story right, then I'm taking it out.

Thanks for the other suggestions/comments as well.

It's in the era of Privateers, and my history knowledge is really quite poor on this area, so I may just take you up on that offer. :)


More opinions from other people are welcome.
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"

*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet



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