Life in a Modern Home

Screaming. Crying. Despair.

I hear it all. Felt it all. All from the room three doors down. My mother’s room. My step fathers room.

I have never felt more desperate. So helpless. So alone. This is worse than the usual.

I lay there in my bed. I lay there, three doors down from there, where it all happens. All the times. I have went over there and knocked on the door. To see my mother. I have to see her. To know she is okay.

I knocked.

I was answered.

Answered by a low growl from my step father, telling to go to bed. I could hear the red-hot rage, seeping under the door way. It was as if someone pushed him over the edge. Over the rim of sanity.

I walk numbly back to my room. I lay my back against the wall and draw up my knees. Tears run down my cheek and splash at my striped pajamas. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I raised my head to look at the clock on my dresser.

But it is not the time I see.

A phone.

By the time I know what I am doing I was reciting my address to the operator. They know who I am. I know everyone by a first-name basis.

I finished without a word and waited for the police.

I heard the police banging on the door. My step father rushed into my room, wearing nothing but jeans. He grabbed my arm, his fingers digging deep as he dragged me toward the stairs.

He dropped me. Falling down the stairs was a comforting thought. It meant that he would go away for two days. Again. This will never stop. He is too important for his job that no one cares.

Except one person.

I stumbled through the pitch-black room, to get to the front door.

I opened it and sighed.

“Where?” The policemen asked. Jay. My hero. Always my hero.

I pointed to the stairs as he went inside, drawing up his gun.

I slid down the door. I sat on the cool tiled floor. I lifted my head to look at the second officer with tear filled eyes. He looked at me as if he wanted to pick me up and run away as far as possible.

I closed my eyes. One last tear painted its path a long my cheek.

Next week, I will see Jay again, and his new partner. I will see them the next week, and the week after that. Because no matter how high my step father is on the police department. It will never matter. He will always return. As long as he returns, so will Jay. My hero.

I didn't like the opening line. It was very emo. The first line is the most important one, so you have to make sure it really grabs the reader.

I think you've got a very good start here, otherwise, but it could use a lot of work. Remember "show, don't tell." Describe these things; how the narrator feels, who's screaming, what they're saying, let us listen in on the conversation on the phone, and so on.

You have very many problems with this piece, and I also found it confusing. Who the heck is Jay?

It needs some smoothing out, especially with the tense changes. Here is one example:

I hear it all. Felt it all

it has to be either "heard" or "Feel" I think you really need to descide what tense you are going to have the piece in, and then fix it.


Overall, some errors and a lot of little mistakes. But your plotline, aside from my confusion, is very good. I'd like to see more of this, since it was definitely intriguing.

PM me with questions or comments

Well, this is certainly a different type of story. I liked the plot line and the way you wrote it, but I don't think the extremely short sentences work all the time. Also, you changed tenses a lot. Pick one and stick with it.

We need to know more about the characters. Like, is it a boy or a girl? I was a little confused about that.

Apart from that it was good.