Yerma

This is my first poem. I wrote it in 3-5-3 style. tell me if you like it .



Orange blossoms bloom

Bloom without me, without life

Sun lights them

The world denied for me

Captured here now

Three protectors watching over me

Locking me in

The will to walk out

leaves me now

Close your eyes sweet mind

Show me dreams

Of the youth from me

Tell me now

Why give me hope here

Everything seems dry

Dead and void of life

Show me new

Give me the life needed

To pass days

Give me a young child

A daughter maybe

Or a son from me

And me alone



Orange blossom hear

My call to the God

Show me birth

And I show you life

Give me that


Call upon me

To lead one in life

To call mine

To teach them from me

To show them.





God hear me

I fear for my virtue

I need it

He seems so close now

so far away

Do not let

This need of my life

Cut and stab

Into his that I do love

Forgive me now

I know not

What I say or how

Give me life

Or take from the world

What you gave.

Wow I like it!

Your structure was great and your rythm was pretty much the same. I love your dramatically language very poetical. Reminded me of Shakespeare a little. The message behind it was One that may have been told before and possibly blands the taste. It was kind of dragging. Some of the word were just not interesting. Good Job!

Wesley's Score: for Orange Blossoms and an overall of 3/4.

First of all, I rated this for you! Next time, be sure to rate your poems and stories, because then they get to appear on the front page of YWS. And we love free publicity!

Anyway, the poem! It makes me rather nostalgic as it reminds me of some of my old stories. ^_^

I like your use of metaphor, because it's very pretty and stuff. With that said, I think you can improve it by having the narrator step back a little more. For example, almost after every pretty image, you have to bring "I" in it. But really, you don't. The images are pretty enough and, if they are strong (which they are) they'll hold themselves up without the narrator barging in on the story. So! Just for fun, try writing this poem without the use of "I" anywhere and see if you can come up with the same meaning that you have here, without any apparent narrator.

Good luck!

This was really good. Um...I liked how you kept to a pattern and still made it a really nice poem. And it was just...good. I really don't know what to say so I'll just leave.