Frozen

The fire mocks me
Provides warmth
That will not
Penetrate
The skin

Lost among the
Times when I
Could still
Bear to
Stick around

Lost. Lost everything.

It’s one of those nights
When one might say
Gee, it’s good to
Be inside
But it isn’t

I had forgotten
Roads were slick
And now I
Feel nothing
But frozen

Lost. Lost everything. Lost her.

I’ll drink to the holidays
From a tainted cup
Merry Christmas
To all and
To all a

Goodnight.

This is a creative piece, and I have only two criticisms:

1. I think it would add to the poem if you used more punctuation in the stanzas

2. I don't like the "Lost. Lost everything." You never really explain what was lost. A puppy? An appendage?

Merry Writing!

Imagine yourself in a car. With an inexperienced driver driving. So you know how you stop. Stop. Then... accelerate! STOP.

This is the impression I get from your poem.

Line breaks are beautiful things because they can halt ideas and start new ones and make things rush -- they can do quite a lot of things. But if you overdo them, then they just become annoying.

So look over your poem. Are all your line breaks really that necessary? Look over them, then trim them. I'm sure that the flow will be much better if you take some out. ^_^

Also! Don't forget to rate your pieces. Not only is it helpful for readers, but it puts your poem on the front page of YWS! Cool stuff.

Anyway, good luck and welcome to YWS!

I agree with Snoink. It seems very choppy and not very nice to read. But I still like it besides that.

I really like this part:

"I’ll drink to the holidays
From a tainted cup
Merry Christmas
To all and
To all a

Goodnight."

Anyways, Good luck on future writings!

Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Hmm... i think that the choppiness adds to the frozen feeling. I mean, if you're frozen you're not exactly movin around too fast. As for what elephant walrus said about this

elephantwalrus wrote:2. I don't like the "Lost. Lost everything." You never really explain what was lost. A puppy? An appendage?

I think the line that says

Phindin wrote:Lost. Lost everything. Lost her.

pretty much explains that. I don't think it needs to be cleared up any more than that, because I think it gives the poem a 'mysterious' feel, which I like. Although I'm not much of a poet. Just thought I'd add an opposing opinion in here, you know food for thought. Other than that, the metaphors were great, the imagery was great, and the poem was great. I think it was an effective way to convey a feeling. keep up the good work!

Oh, I really love this poem! I imagine someone sitting in an old cabin by a fireplace and a large window showing the frostiness outside, I love how you put it though...'fire will not penetrate the skin'--in fact, I absolutely love the beginning two stanzas! It was excellent. I agree about the line breaks though, it messes with the flow, makes the poem seem really choppy.

Maybe...

The fire mocks me
Provides warmth
That will not penetrate
The skin

Lost among the
Times when I
Could still bear to
Stick around

I dunno. I would play around with these line breaks But other than that, it was really good! I enjoyed it

Ok, I really liked this, a lot. I like the 'Lost. Lost everything'. At first when I read this I was confuzed what you lost, but then when it said 'Lost everything. Lost her' I liked it. I liked this, I don't know what I imagined but, there was some image in my head, but I forgot it. I like the title!

Like snoink said, the line breaks are a little wild.

I actually think this would be really good if you fixed the line breaks, got rid of the repetition (I don't like "Lost. Lost everything." etc) and added punctuation. It's not that bad!

Phindin--


This is as poor as anything. Repeating "Lost. Lost blahblahblah" every so often didn't work. Repetition is used effectively in poetry when the it will be meaningful or somehow, based on the unfolding of the narrative, different--you do neither of these things. Instead, it serves simply to bludgeon us with the idea that you're lonely.

What, for instance, is S2 doing? How is it changing things for us? How are S4&5 related to anything that precede or follow them? Overall, I don't know what you're trying to do with this.


Best,
Brad

Everyone already mentioned it all, so I don't have anything to say, really.
I liked this piece; it was beautiful in it's simplicity. The line breaks were kind of irksome, but like cat4prowl said, they add to the frozen feeling.

I actually thought the 'Lost' bit was cool. It makes you wonder, makes you imagine what the lost girl could be like and where she is. Keep that bit. ;D

Overall, nice poem. Keep writing!
Cheers,
Ayra

P.S. Sorry for the completely unhelpful review.

Incandescence wrote:This is as poor as anything. Repeating "Lost. Lost blahblahblah" every so often didn't work. Repetition is used effectively in poetry when the it will be meaningful or somehow, based on the unfolding of the narrative, different--you do neither of these things. Instead, it serves simply to bludgeon us with the idea that you're lonely.

Goodness gracious, I'm sure glad we have an expert on repetition browsing this site, otherwise I would be completely lost on how to utalize it properly.

But seriously, I can use repetition however I darn-well please, thank you very much, and I don't need you to dictate to me how it can be used effectively. But for the record, in my expirience, repetition is used often to emphasize something important; our poor speaker here is only "frozen" because of what he lost, therefore making the repeated lines quite crucial to piece.

What, for instance, is S2 doing? How is it changing things for us? How are S4&5 related to anything that precede or follow them? Overall, I don't know what you're trying to do with this.

"S2" is doing the same thing that "S1," S3," and "S4" are doing; its illustrating how the speaker feels and what he's thinking. Specifically, in S2's case, the speaker is suffering from nastalgia, and he's sad that he can't live in the past where he was actually happy.

As for your claim that "S4&5" don't relate, I don't really get why that would be any more so than the other stanzas. Do enlighten me.

On a less arugmentative note, this poem is now officially in season. =P

And thank you for your comments.

Yes, your line breaks make work for a stanza, but then it just seems stilted.

But:

It’s one of those nights
When one might say
Gee, it’s good to
Be inside
But it isn’t

That, I'm in love with. It's simple, it's evocative, it could stand as a poem alone. This is true poetry, this glimpse.

It's always a good sign when your poetry provokes controversy.

The fire mocks me
Provides warmth
That will not
Penetrate
The skin

Lost among the
Times when I
Could still
Bear to
Stick around

These first two lines were good but when you arrived to the last line it lost its magic. I especially did not like the last part.

I’ll drink to the holidays
From a tainted cup
Merry Christmas
To all and
To all a

Goodnight.

It's a broken phrase.

Isn't relativity fun?

People like the last stanza, others don't like the last stanza.

People like "lost," others don't like the "lost."

People think the line breaks are crap, others think it adds to the poem.

Although the more you tell me why you think these things, the better.

I told you controversy was a good thing.

Excessive line breaks work in minimalism, if it was a couple of lines, but a longer poem it interrupts your flow and thus makes it stilted, as I said. If it makes it harder to read rather than giving you space to breathe, it's superfluous.


As to the lost, I don't know. I thought lose was interesting in that it had the noun and the verb, Repetition doesn't necessarily detract in such small cases.

Listen to your heart. Or whoever beats everyone else in some sort of tournament of death.