Young Writers Society

This poem is also posted on other threads such as Writingforums.com or EvThreads, so don't be surprised if you've seen it somewhere.

Dyed Red

The moonlight illuminates my heart,
The candles lighten in the dark,
The dance of the shadows is my guide.

The intertwining vines turn into ash,
As the black cat began to scratch,
The stars mix with the night and turn them black and white.

Someday I'll find a way,
I'll be free from this prison.
My memory is haunted with endless days of red.
For now, I'll commit arson,
I'll burn myself to sand if I can,
To never rest or sleep peacefully.
I'll close my eyes and grieve eternally.

The night sky darkens a raven's wing,
Hearing the blowing gale sing
with a voice as harsh as the crows from the marsh.

My thoughts are now at peace,
My pain and suffering are at ease.
As I close my eyes,
I see a crimson sky.
I see no black and white,
But all red dye.

I think you have some lovely imagery here but you need to expand on those images and some of your rhyming sounds a bit forced. A lot of it is very simple, one syllable rhyme and some are only half rhymes and it's all very irregular. Also, the flow could be improved if you tweak a few of your lines and change some of your grammar. For example, you have a tense change in the second stanza -

The intertwining vines turn into ash, [You don't need a comma here and it interrupts the flow a touch.]
As the black cat began to scratch, [This would be better in present tense - 'As the black cat begins to scratch' and maybe end the line with a semi colon?]
The stars mix with the night and turn them black and white. [Turn what black and white? Rhyme is fine, in fact it can be very effective but not when it takes away the meaning of the words.]

I think your final stanza is good (though I think you could omit the 'are' in the second line) and I like the use of colour in this poem a lot. I think that if you take another look, tidy up the grammar, expand on some imagery and change a few rhymes, this could be really good.

Oof, prepare for my step by step review here, so I'll review whilst reading through it, so as not to confuse you later. Hehe.

The moonlight illuminates my heart,
The candles lighten in the dark,
The dance of the shadows is my guide.

This first verse stumped me a little, because although it is beautifully written and I think you used some wonderful imagery, but when it comes to the way you've written it down, I think you have over used the word "the" at the beginning of each line. This is a shame, especially seen as though it is in the first and opening verse of your poem; which should be there to capture the reader's attention.

Someday I'll find a way,
I'll be free from this prison.
My memory is haunted with endless days of red.
For now, I'll commit arson,
I'll burn myself to sand if I can,
To never rest or sleep peacefully.
I'll close my eyes and grieve eternally.

This poem bothered me for near enoguh the same reasons as the first. The imagery is great - although it would be nice for you to delve deeper into this and widen the ranges so that the reader can picture it better - but I think you have over used the word "I'll". Maybe others will disagree, but for me, I think it is a bad idea to have it in five out of seven lines.

Other than these two points, i actually quite liked this and with a little bit of editing, you'll have a masterpiece. Well done, for an early post!

I like this poem a lot; with a little tweaking, it could be fabulous!!

The moonlight illuminates my heart, I like the word "illuminates," but not here. I don't know why, it could be just my preference.
The candles lighten in the dark,
The dance of the shadows is my guide.

The intertwining vines turn into ash,
As the black cat began to scratch, Where did the black cat come from?
The stars mix with the night and turn them black and white. The modifiers are a bit off here...what's black and white? The stars or the night?

Someday I'll find a way, I thought the shadows were your guide
I'll be free from this prison.
My memory is haunted with endless days of red.
For now, I'll commit arson, I like the word "arson"
I'll burn myself to sand if I can,
To never rest or sleep peacefully.
I'll close my eyes and grieve eternally. This has a lot of powerful imagery

The night sky darkens a raven's wing,
Hearing the blowing gale sing
with a voice as harsh as the crows from the marsh. I don't like the word "marsh." Just comparing the voice to crows will do nicely

My thoughts are now at peace,
My pain and suffering are at ease.
As I close my eyes,
I see a crimson sky. I would maybe word this "I close my eyes to see a crimson sky," but that's just me
I see no black and white,
But all red dye.

The diction in this poem is lovely, and all in all it's a beautiful piece. Merry writing!

I feel like you rely on a lot of pretty words in the first two stanzas, rather than conveying a clear and strong message. Pretty words are good, but maybe try to tie them more in with the rest of the poem.

I'll burn myself to sand if I can

You can't burn yourself to sand. I don't know why but that bugs me.

Also, I'm not really clear on what red dye is supposed to stand for? And what is making you sad/grieve. Although this might just me being slow ;] But you have astounding imagery, just try to pull them all together with a more clear intent?

OK, I'll heed your advice. Thanks for reviewing, all of you!

Ooooo! Nice poem. I'm impressed.

They all nit-picked it to death, so I won't bother trying to top them. However! I think it would be cool to change the last word from "dye" to "die." Just to play with words a little.

Anyway! Nice poem.