Jim Williams and the Doom-ness of Doom

Jim Williams dramatically and sexily walked down the platform of his ship. He dramatically and sexily turned his head to the gargantuan fortress, and dramatically and sexily gasped. "Good Garfunkel! Those look like pretty suspicious ruins...too suspicious! It must be a sign of communist cultists! I, being superior and skilled at everything, must put an end to these anti-democracy felons."

Jim dramatically and sexily ran toward the castle, his luscious golden locks waving in the breeze. He burst through the castle's main entrance, after wiping his feet on the rug, of course.

Queen Seraphina was conversing with her daughter. "Cordelia, have you seen Gabriella? It is most unlike her to be late for--"

"Die, you communists!" said Jim fiercely and lovingly. "There will be no oppression of innocents where you're going!" He took out his bioplasma disruptor pistol and began firing erratically...and dramatically and sexily.

Queen Seraphina and Princess Cordelia ducked just in time. Prince Zachary stood up to face Jim, only to be promptly blasted. "Another communist down!" yelled Jim tenderly.

"Who the heck is this guy?" screamed Penelope, the lowly servant girl. "I haven't an idea," remarked Princess Cordelia, "But I do think he must have had many a girlfriend before!" Cordelia fainted.

"I do wonder what spell he is using," stated Marlin the Fish-loving Magician. Two seconds later he was blasted by Jim dramatically and sexily. Luckily, Marlin was a magician, and therefore impervious to bioplasma disruptor pistols. "Abra-cadaver!" yelled the magician. A beam of white energy burst from his fingers toward the dramatic and sexy space raider. Jim dramatically and sexily dodged the beam and dramatically and sexily landed on the floor.

"Great space kumquats!" exclaimed Jim lovingly. "I need backup!"

Bippo the Space Dolphin appeared out of nowhere. "Kynehnehneh!" he squeaked. He pressed a random button on his utility belt. Suddenly a giant hole opened up before the royal family. The infamous Mupert Rurdoc jumped out. "I live, AGAIN!" he yelled.

"Noooo!" shouted King Richard. Harry Potter suddenly appeared and blasted Mupert with his magical magic. "Expelliarmus!" he roared. The mogul (or is it muggle?) fell to the ground and was sucked back into the giant hole.

Marlin blinked. "That was very skillful," said Marlin. Harry looked back at the sorcerer. "Thanks," he finally replied.

"DIE!" said Jim dramatically and sexily. He dramatically and sexily started to fire his pistol again.

Harry fell to the ground dead, had a mental conversation with Professor Dumbledore, and came back to life again. "Stop!" he hollered. "If you fire I'll--" Jim blasted Harry lovingly.

Finally, Marlin decided to stop throwing out the complicated attacks and to start using the ones that were actually effective. He summoned Jim's pistol out of his hands and vanished it into the air. "I believe that is quite enough. You sir," he pointed accusingly at Jim, "are to be executed at once."

Queen Seraphina and Princess Cordelia threw themselves at Marlin's feet. "Oh, but he's so sexy," said Cordelia. "Can't we cut him a break?"

"Yes, please?" chimed the queen.

Marlin thought for a moment. "Well, I suppose it would bring no harm."

The queen edged up to Jim. "How 'bout I make it up to you?" She lifted her eyebrows flirtaciously. Jim took out a second pistol and blasted her. Cordelia stepped over her mother's corpse and eged up to Jim. "How about I make it up to you?"

Jim lowered his gun. "Well, I suppose I could accept an apology, even from a communist cultist," said Jim dramatically and sexily.

Cordelia wrapped her arms around Jim. Jim turned to the remaining members of the royal family. "May I?" he asked dramatically and sexily.

"Of course," replied Marlin, attempting to sound dramatic and sexy. Jim started making out with Cordelia dramatically and sexily. "Oh, you must have had hundreds of girlfriends!" moaned Cordelia.

Penelope turned to King Richard and Marlin. "He kills several of your subjects and the queen, and you're just gonna let him get it on with Princess Cordelia?!"

"That's about it," stated Marlin.

Penelope stared at Marlin. "You're insane!" she shouted.

"I know!" exclaimed King Richard, "That should be me apologizing to him!"

Penelope, Marlin, and several barons stared at the king.

"Uh, what I mean is...look a monkey!" The king pointed at nothing and sprinted out of the room.

A minute later Princess Gabriella entered the room. "What did I miss?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I suggest that if you have not read "Do Not Read This Story," to read it. This story just might make a little bit more sense (but not a whole lot) if you do. I would also appreciate it if you followed my own little rule of commenting (which I explained in "Do Not Read This Story") again.

Yes, the main character's name is Jim, like in my previous story. He, and many of the other characters I used, will probably be in my future stories. The name stays the same, but the character traits may vary.

Why did I write this? 'Cause I was bored.

Haha, wow. Your humour continues to amaze.

You have a few spelling errors here and there, but a quick proofread and double-check would most likely fix those. Otherwise, well done! I like the recurring theme of dramatically and sexily. Cracked me up.

Your humourous pieces are amazing. xD

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

OMG i cant beleiv u rote tis u weerdo tis idea was stoopid y did u rite tis.

***

Okay, I haven't actually read Do Not Read This Story, but this - sort of - made sense anyways. So, onwards with the review (says I, dramatically and sexily).

He burst through the castle's main entrance, after wiping his feet on the rug, of course.

I felt this didn’t have the humour you were aiming for. Maybe if you tried rewording it, or played around with the word order, it might work better? Like, for example: ‘He burst through the castle's main entrance, after, of course, wiping his feet on the rug.’

"Who the heck is this guy?" screamed Penelope, the lowly servant girl.//"I haven't an idea," remarked Princess Cordelia, "But I do think he must have had many a girlfriend before!" Cordelia fainted.

You should have a new line for Princess Cordelia’s speech, because of the change of character. I’ve put two slashes were the new line should start.

Also, the bolded comma should actually be a period.

Marlin blinked. "That was very skillful," said Marlin.//Harry looked back at the sorcerer. "Thanks," he finally replied.

Double slashes is were a new line should have been.

You sir," he pointed accusingly at Jim, "Are to be executed at once."

The bolded ‘A’ shouldn’t be a capital letter, because you’re carrying on the previous sentence. (At the moment it’s saying: ‘You sir Are to be executed at once.’)

"Oh, but he's so sexy," said Cordelia, "Can't we cut him a break?"

Bolded comma should be a period.


Check out Dialogue Grammar at Snoink’s website for tips on speech punctuation (which seems to be your main weakness when it comes to grammar): http://www.snoink.com/kn/writing/mechanics/1.php


Anyways, I really enjoyed this. It was random, but you also succeeded in making it funny, which is actually harder than many people realise. Well done. ^_^

"Expelliarmis!" he roared.

'Tis spelled Expelliarmus.

with Professor Dumbledoor

It's Dumbledore.

Now to praise:

This is so funny! You need to post more, so I can learn from you for The Cra-yon Lay-onds. That part where Harry died, had a mental conversation with Dumbledore, and came back was amazingly funny. That was just hilarious. Wait-- uh-oh. I have to leave, sorry for cutting this off so short. See you! Definitely post more!

Thanks everyone for the nice comments and constructive criticism. I cannot say how much that kind of thing means to me in my writing. as fore speling mistckes, im justt to lazee too ficks thhem. Sorry.