I wrote this some time ago, and posted it on The Young Writers Club during its heyday. Recently I had a conversation with someone, and I brought this up. Read it over, thought it still to be funny & pertinent, so I'm reposting something I wrote!
I am happy to announce that today, July 15, 2055 A.P. (in the year of the Pokemon), the country of Poland has finally joined our glorious union. As a member of the United Pokemon League, Poland will be renamed Machop. The new state will enjoy the privileges of our league, such as food, water, and unlimited Pokemon battles in our numerous Pokemon arenas. We should now take the time to congratulate the citizens of Machop for making this wise choice in the face of a military blockade.
In other news, Pikachu, formerly known as the United States of America, has announced that one of their citizens, an eight year old named John Beck, has unlocked the 451st Pokemon! The new Pokemon will be available for download at the only site left on the internet, www.nintendo.com.
The reigning seven year old king of Pikachu has also said that his country will shortly begin exporting more supplies for the creation of Pokemon battle arenas throughout the poverty stricken countries of Africa. In honor of this gift, a number of paganistic tribes in Africa have dubbed Pikachu as a god. Following the news of that high honor, the six year old emperor of the Poke-Earth has dictated to all of us that we should erect temples to Pikachu, and to offer sacrifices of lesser Pokemon games, such as the green Pokemon game that was only released in Japan, and did not sell very well.
We are also pleased to say that the countries known as China and Cambodia have been placed under a military blockade. However, we want it known that we are not forcing them to join our league. We are just isolating them and starving their residents, in addition to bombing their major cities, until they do so. The choice is still theirs, and we anxiously await the day when they join us.
The new edition of Pokemon, Plutonium Pokemon, will be released to stores around the Poke-Earth in two short weeks. Our headquarters in Nintendo, formerly known as Japan, has told us that they are stepping up production of the game, and fifty million units will be available in the first week alone. This is still not expected to be enough, however, and the citizens of the United Pokemon League are asked to stay indoors as riots are inevitable. All citizens are also highly encouraged to carry their Nintendo licensed guns for safety.
In other news, our scientists have recently completed research on Poke-laser writing. This technology can be applied to a number of things, such as tattooing a picture of Squirtle on your arm, or carving an idol of Pikachu out of a block of wood. But its most noteworthy use, to be sure, is its ability to carve an image on the moon. That’s right. Even though the moon is sixty-five Poke-Earth radii away from us, a laser, to be completed in three months, will carve out an image of Pikachu on the moon. Then, from henceforth, our god will be watching over us at all times.
Our emperor has recently done away with traditional schooling. In replacement of such boring subjects as English and History, and other more silly subjects that make no sense at all, such as Math and Science, students will learn how to nurture their Pokemon to full strength. Students will also learn the anatomy of a Pokemon, and the history of the United Pokemon League, which was founded by the first Emperor of Rome in the year 1 A.P.
Lastly, citizens are reminded that any contradiction to, or refusal to play, wear, or talk Pokemon will result in death by lightning. Any citizens to speak any history that is not covered in the Poke-history book or in the Poke-bible will be killed.
Pokemon Forever,
Hiroshi Yamauchi
King of Nintendo, and top advisor to the Emperor
