Beautiful Disaster

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Beautiful Disaster
Chapter 2

Erin’s hand slipped onto my inner thigh, just above my knee. I put my hand on my mouth to stop the bile rising in my mouth.

“I-I have to do something,” I stammered.

I jumped up and almost ran towards the exit. When I got out of the dark room, and had to make a dash to the restroom so I wouldn’t empty my lunch in the hall.

I ran into the bathroom nearly knocking the garbage onto its side. I went to the back of the restroom and opened a stall. I sank onto my knees and held onto the white porcelain throne.

I retched over and over until it turned into dry heaves.

When I knew nothing more could come out, I leaned my back against the cool tilled wall. Drew up my knees and laid my chin on top of them.

Remembering the week after the incident, this is all I would do. The toilet was my best friend. I came to it after lunch and before bed because every man looked like that same one, 3 months ago.

I got up and walked over to the sink to wash my mouth. I leaned into the counter. The edge indenting a straight deep line onto my palm.

I looked up into the mirror and didn’t like what I saw.

Midnight-black hair spilling cascade around my face. Too pale. Cheekbone’s too high. Eye’s too big. Eye’s distant and unemotional.

But most important, there was no life. No happiness. As if I died in that alley, 3 months ago. As if there was no Laura no more. Only her body. No soul.

I straightened and walked out of the bathroom. I started to walk towards the theatre, but walked right past it to the big green EXIT sign over two large, heavy, metal doors.

I pushed at the door and felt the lock unclick. The wind whipped my hair around. I felt the fresh air and clean warm breeze relax my stiff muscles.

I whipped out my phone and dialed my mom’s number.

“Mom, can you come pick me up?”

“Hi, honey. I can’t, I’m going to have an appointment right now. Why what happened? Can’t your friends drop you off?” My mom sounded very preoccupied. I bet if I told her I do coke and had sex every day she wouldn’t notice.

“That’s okay, mom. I can find a ride, bye.” I hung up before she could say anything else.
I started heading out towards the highway, maybe I could walk my way home since they picked me up and I left my car at home.

I walked for twenty minutes when I saw my math partner’s car drive by. My heart sped up. It seemed to do that a lot around him. I don’t even like him. He is so obnoxious, and annoying. He thinks he knows everything. He tells me how I could improve. I can’t believe he has the nerve.

He pulls around and his car makes his way toward me. I can’t breathe. He pulls over on to the edge of the road. He rolls down his windows. I suck in a breath. I can’t believe how I act around him.

“Hey, why are you walking here?” Jay asks.

“Um . . .” I struggled for a conharet thought. “I forgot my car?” I said, and then wanted to hit myself. I forgot my car? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. “I mean . . . well, I don’t want to talk about.” I said finally. That was a safer choice to say.

“Um, okay. Want a ride?” He asks.

I smile. It’s genuine. I always smile around him. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

“No, not at all. I’m not doing anything anyway. Just driving around.” He smiled at me. I stared at his mouth. So perfect.

“Well, in that case. I guess I have to take you up on your offer,” I said, as if getting in the car with him is a drag.

His grin grew wider. “Well, get in then.”

I walked over to the passenger door and sat in. It was a pretty nice car. “I shouldn’t say anything about your car.”

He shot me a repentant look.

“Or your ego will grow bigger.” I smiled, clearly teasing. “Seriously, I don’t think it can get any bigger.”

He laughed. The sound mesmerizing.

“So, where do you live?” He asked pulling onto the right lane.
What is there to do when all else fails?




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This should be in the fiction section, not here.
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
Yeah, this belong in Other Fiction, not in Welcome, but as I can't move it, I'll just get on with a review.

I really like this story. It's just the type of thing I enjoy reading. I was a bit confused because she was saying one month ago, and then three weeks ago. When is it? How long after chapter one? As for what you wrote-

I jumped up and almost ran towards the exit. When I got out of the dark room, and had to make a dash to the restroom so I wouldn’t empty my lunch in the hall.

I ran into the bathroom nearly knocking the garbage onto its side. I went to the back of the restroom and opened a stall. I sank onto my knees and held onto the white porcelain throne.

I retched over and over until it turned into dry heaves.


This is a lot of telling. Try re-writing it, but don't just tell us what's going on. Show us (obviously not in too much detail because of what's going on, and some people (like me) have very weak stomachs).

Remembering the week after the incident, this is all I would do. The toilet was my best friend. I came to it after lunch and before bed because every man looked like that same one, 3 months ago.


Three months ago, why the hell is that there? I'm sorry, but it doesn't make any sense to me.

Haha! Jay sounds like loads of the guys at me school! The mum wasn't believeable, but perphaps it's just the way I've been brought up.

Overall, I liked this piece. Keep going with it (And make sure to post it in Other Fiction).
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Hey! Good job. There was a few grammeratical stuff and spelling that I will point out.

1. I put my hand on my mouth to stop the bile rising in my mouth.

You overused mouth here.

2. When I knew nothing more could come out, I leaned my back against the cool tilled wall. Drew up my knees and laid my chin on top of them.

You can combine these setences, because it doesn't flow otherwise.

3. The edge indenting a straight deep line onto my palm.

You switched tenses here. Before it was past tense, but this is present.

4. “That’s okay, mom. I can find a ride, bye.”

Capitalize mom, because you are using her name.

5.I started heading out towards the highway,

Towards ain't a word and you ain't supposed to say it! It is toward.

6.I started heading out towards the highway, maybe I could walk my way home since they picked me up and I left my car at home.

Okay, you should end the first sentence and highway. And you overused home. Be careful!

7.He pulls around and his car makes his way toward me. I can’t breathe. He pulls over on to the edge of the road. He rolls down his windows. I suck in a breath. I can’t believe how I act around him.

Um, ever since this paragraph started, you totally changed the tense. Be sure to stick with the same tense! It makes it very difficult to read!

8. I walked over to the passenger door and sat in. It was a pretty nice car. “I shouldn’t say anything about your car.”

I don't understand why the narrator said this. Re-do!

9. The sound mesmerizing.

Um, what?

10. “So, where do you live?” He asked pulling onto the right lane.

Put a comma after asked.

Other than the mistakes, I thinkt that this story is great!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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This should be in a literary forum, not in the Welcome section.

...Unless, of course, this is an introduction... in which case this is very weird.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin




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Gender Female
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Hi Eli, I think the others are right. It doesn't belong here, in the welcome section. I don't mean to grill you about it... but your spelling..... eek!!! I love the story though keep writing! see you in an hour!

-Your favorite cousin Max
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I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™



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