Werewolves

Ok, I made a prologue as a lot of people suggested and I also removed the middle part to Chapter 1. The last part of the prologue is just a summurization of what happened afterwards so I didn;t go into much detail there, but tell me if it'd be better to have a full detail thing. Enjoy !

Prologue
5 years ago

Asilan sat in the kitchen with his mother waiting for their father to return with news of where his sister was. She had been missing for most of the night and now that it was morning they began to worry. Asilan’s father left early in the morning and he hadn’t returned since then. Not a word was spoken since his father left and the it was starting to become unbearable to him that he finally said,” What’s sis doing, mom?”
“Probably hanging with that human boy,” his mother said bitterly. “If she’s not careful she’ll expose the...” but she stopped suddenly as Asilan’s father ran into the house carrying a bundle in his arms. Tears ran down his face. And as he stepped into the kitchen Asilan finally noticed what he was carrying; his sister’s cold, lifeless body.
“What happened,” his mother said in an extreme struggle to remain calm.
“She let it slip about the her and the pack,” his father said with a strained voice, “the boy was carrying a silver knife with him,” he chocked a little, “stabbed her in the heart.
“We need to inform Lisom, we need to get the pack out of here. For now we need to get out of this house. The human guards are probably coming this way with their silver bullets.” Asilan’s mother immediately stood up and started grabbing things. “Forget possessions, Asilan. Only grab what you need; clothing, food, anything.”
They spent the next ten minutes running around the household gathering things. His father managed to get hold of Lisom and he called an emergency escape to the other wolves in the area. There were to meet at his place in less than thirty minutes then they would soon begin their run from this place. They laid his sister in her room and began dousing her in gasoline. His mother explained later that so they can’t profane in death. Before they left they threw a match into her room and they fled the house as the first of the black smoke formed behind the windows.

It took them about fifteen minutes to reach Lisom’s home. Wolves were already congregating there and the house was beginning to become full. “Don’t worry about those,” said Lisom with his deep commanding voice, “we will hunt our own food. As for clothes, we will be running as wolves; we need none.” He then walked over to the new arrival of wolves and also instructed them to leave the possessions they brought behind.
Asilan and his parents dumped the little amount of items they brought with them onto the already large pile of food and clothing. Then they started stripping off their clothing and let their bodies take the form of wolves.
The transformation was very quick but it was very painful. His mother sat down and laid her brown fur covered head onto her front paws. Her eyes were glassy as if she were blind. His father was pacing around the room as rust red wolf. Asilan was the same color as his father. He walked over to his mother and buried his muzzle into her neck fur.
“Dammit,” Lisom said running into the house, “they found out about this place already. Everyone, run into the woods I will meet with you latter. Any males who wish to stay and give the others time to run, stay with me.”
I’ll stay Asilan’s father said in though speech, and don’t worry, I’ll see you in the woods again. Then we can go find us a new home with the pack.
Yeron, his mother said, please come back, please.
Do not worry Teropa, I’ll see you and Asilan soon. I promise.

But he never returned. They made their escape to the woods and eventually found a clearing where they stayed for the night. Wolves who stayed back to fight returned one by one in the early morning hours, but by noon Asilan’s father still hadn’t returned yet. Then by night wolves in their human forms started appearing with bodies of fallen wolves: still no father. One of the forms who wasn’t carrying a body came over to them and told them that his father and Lisom were captured by the humans and they would most certainly die. Asilan stood there in shock and his mother howled mournfully at the rising moon.
They buried their dead and set out for a new home, coming across a small village known as Yerl, where they promptly settled.




Chapter 1-Asilan

Asilan walked into the darkness of the kitchen. He flipped a switch and saw his mother sitting at the table in a nightgown tapping a clawed hand on the table. The surrounding air seemed heated by her anger. She took a sip of her coffee and finally said, “So where have you been?”
“Out,” Asilan replied.
“At two in the morning?” She took another sip of her coffee.
“I wasn’t endangering the pack. I was just with some friends.”
“Human friends?” his mother asked raising an eyebrow. Asilan nodded slowly. “Asilan, if you need friends or someone to hang out with I’m sure some of the pack would be happy to oblige.” She stood up and put her cup in the sink. “We can’t risk befriending the humans: remember what happened at Tirisk?” she asked sadly.
“Asilan, I don’t want you my last pup killed,” his mother said with worry. “Your sister, your father; I couldn’t stand it if you died too.” Tears started to stain his mothers face, but she quickly regained composure. “Don’t be with those humans more than you have to, Asilan. Now get to bed.”

Alright, I pretty much only skimmed through this (since I'm still supposed to be doing homework), and I'll leave the spelling and grammar mistakes for someone else again.

I really think the prologue helps with your story, even if you don't go into big detail about it, which is great, but you'll have to make up for it in the story which I'm sure you'll do.

I don't have much to say since I think it's rather fitting and I know you'll make up for the lack of detail in your actual story (or at least you better or else I'll come and get you ^.~)

alright, you can pester me again in chat when you have more. With luck I won't be bombarded with algebra (yeah right -.-)

--meow

Here's some paragraphs describing my character after the Prologue. If it doesn;t fit in the actual story, please tell me.

Asilan slammed the door shut to his room and fell face first onto the bed and buried his head into the pillow. He pulled a picture from under his pillow and stared at the faces of a once whole family. In the picture was his father, mother, his sister, and him all sitting in a forest behind their house in Tirisk. Tears slowly flowed down his face as it did every time he looked at the faces of the family he once had.
Since the incident in Tirisk his mother watched as he changed from a happy twelve year old to the constantly depressed seventeen year old he was today. He got into more trouble and whenever attending a human learning center he always threatened to reveal his other half. Until finally he was quiet and shut up in his room the entire day. He never said more than he needed to and his mother started to worry about his behavior.

I think it actually fits well and should use this in story. I wasn't really sure how you were going to do this, which is why I asked you to post this and I think it does really work well. So keep it and build on it and I think your story shall be good ^.^

--meow

I think Angel said it all. The prologue helps, but it lacks a little detail, which of course you will make up later on in the story. This is good. It caught my attention right away. Just out of curiosity, where are you going with this I want to know.

PM me and tell me.

Here's the rest of Chapter 1.

Asilan stood up and turned up and turned on his radio which played music loud enough to be heard by his mother downstairs. Teropa stared solemnly at the ceiling. She was extremely worried about Asilan. In the five years since the death of Yeron and Ira he slowing drifted away from her and the pack. When he started making friends with humans was when she began to really worry. There was also the incident last year when he almost lost his anger almost transformed into a wolf, a man swore he saw him starting to turn, but he was no longer alive: they had none of those incidents since.
Teropa stood up and sighed deeply. She went up the stairs and paused in front of Asilan’s door then she continued up the stairs and entered her room.

Try italicizing their thoughts -- it'll make it easier for people to understand.

It's a good framework, but there's definitely room for improvement. The first sentence bothers me -- too many subjects are introduced in one sentence. It's like saying "my brother's mother's father's sister's husband --" Too much! :] Reduce it down.

Spend more time on the prologue. It's good, but it lacks conviction. I'm not feeling their emotions, even though I can see them.

Hey, wait a minute. "She then called an emergency to all the wolves in the area." If there are guards, and this is an urban area, it should be silent. You know what I mean.

Hmmm, interesting idea. I think it might need a bit of work though. Actually, the whole thing needs to be checked for grammar issues, since you seem to have a lot of them.

This is a good start. There are some mistakes and issues with structure and getting us to connect to the characters sooner, but I'm sure you can hammer them out. ^-^
Here are some grammar and spelling mistakes and issues I found:

Lethero wrote:Asilan sat in the kitchen with his mother waiting for their father to return with news of where his sister was.

Hopefully his father is not his mother's father as well. XD

Not a word was spoken since his father left and the it was starting to become unbearable to him that he finally said,” What’s sis doing, mom?”

This sounds better: Not a word was spoken since his father left and the silence became so unbearable to Asilan that he finally said....

“Probably hanging with that human boy,” his mother said bitterly. “If she’s not careful she’ll expose the...” but she stopped suddenly as Asilan’s father ran into the house carrying a bundle in his arms. Tears ran down his face. And as he stepped into the kitchen Asilan finally noticed what he was carrying; his sister’s cold, lifeless body.

Better: "Asilan's father, face stained with tears, ran into the house..."
Take out 'finally' when Asilan sees her body. It doesn't seem like he had much time to realise what/who his father was carrying. Aslo, take out 'And' at the beginning of that last sentence.

“What happened?” his mother said in an extreme struggle to remain calm.

You had a comma there.

“the boy was carrying a silver knife with him,” he choked a little, “stabbed her in the heart.

Misspelling

They were to meet at his place in less than thirty minutes then they would soon begin their run from this place.

You have 'There' instead of 'They'.

They laid his sister in her room and began dousing her in gasoline. His mother explained later that so they can’t profane in death. Before they left they threw a match into her room and they fled the house as the first of the black smoke formed behind the windows.

'explained later that so they can't profane in death'? This is a confusing sentence. I can't tell what exactly you're trying to say, except that Asilan's mother explained something later.

The transformation was very quick but it was very painful.

It might be a good idea to expand on their transformations here. Make us feel the pain! ('cause we're masochists. XD Really, it'll help us get into the story.)

I’ll stay Asilan’s father said in thought speech, and don’t worry, I’ll see you in the woods again. Then we can go find us a new home with the pack.
Yeron, his mother said, please come back, please.
Do not worry Teropa, I’ll see you and Asilan soon. I promise.

You missed the last 't' in 'thought'. And it'd be a good idea to italicise the thoughts or make them stand out in some way so that it's easier for us to distinguish between the sentence and their thought speak.

But he never returned. They made their escape to the woods and eventually found a clearing where they stayed for the night. Wolves who stayed back to fight returned one by one in the early morning hours, but by noon Asilan’s father still hadn’t returned yet. Then by night wolves in their human forms started appearing with bodies of fallen wolves: still no father. One of the forms who wasn’t carrying a body came over to them and told them that his father and Lisom were captured by the humans and they would most certainly die. Asilan stood there in shock and his mother howled mournfully at the rising moon.
They buried their dead and set out for a new home, coming across a small village known as Yerl, where they promptly settled.

You should expand on this a little. Asilan and his mother just lost a family member and their home, and are waiting on another important member of their family.

The surrounding air seemed heated by her anger.

Nice description.

“Asilan, I don’t want you, my last pup, killed,”

It's better with the commas there.


Man, I feel like a Nazi now...but hopefully I helped you! I mainly just fixed some things that were probably typos and suggested some changes. Keep writing!