Beautiful Disaster Chap. 1 (Revised)

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Beautiful Disaster
Chapter 1

“Hey I’m glad you came. We’re going to watch Road of the Dead. If that’s okay with you,” the cheerleader said, blowing bubblegum in my face. Totally disgusting.

And how can she wear that skirt. You can see her underwear when she’s standing; when she’s wearing any. And boy, do the jocks just love it. She leaned in to me and whispered, “I love to watch scary movies so when I act I’m all scared the guys just lean in and try to be all manly and protect you,” my lab partner told me.

I managed a fake laugh. It was harder than usual to act normal with these bimbos.

“Okay everything is set, now let’s go get snacks and watch that vampire movie.”

I sighed an exasperated sigh. This was so waste of my time. I could be in my room and doing Calculus homework. Or something half as entertaining.

Erin, a half backer of the football team, circled my shoulders with his arm and dragged me closer to him. He leaned down and pulled my midnight ebony hair back behind my ear and gently blew warm breath on my neck. I could smell the pot that he did before coming to the movies. I just merely looked up and smiled at him.

Eva, the cheerleader with artificial blond hair, came up to me and pulled on my hand. “Come on, let’s go to the bathroom,” she smiled at Erin, “we need to freshen up.” She pulled me along with her.

“So what do you think of Erin?” Eva asked, while bending over the sink to re-apply her lipgloss and mascara.

“Um . . . He’s . . . you know, Erin,” I replied.

“Laura, you need to go out with him,” my biochemist lab partner told me. “He’s so hot and he has a great body. I heard he was good in bed. And he pays for everything!” She looked at me, “you are so pretty, and look at your body. You should try out for the cheer leading team,” she said into the mirror.

“No, I don’t think it’s for me. Sorry,” I said with fake apologetic look on my face.

“Hmm . . .” she said as if I pissed her off. As if I’m not good enough for her. She turned back to me, obviously previous conversation forgotten. How big is the average cheerleader’s brain anyways? “So you’ll go out with him?” She said hopefully, to the why, I don’t know.

“Lets just see what today brings.”

“Okay, well I bet the guys are waiting, come on.” She grabbed my hand and led me to the benches that are outside the theaters.

Dave, Eva’s brainless boyfriend, and Erin were laughing at some asinine joke.

“Hey, baby,” Eva said and slid onto Dave’s lap and kissed him sharply. All the while, having an eye on me, like she was making sure that the point that Dave is hers is getting across. Dave’s hand slid between her thighs to do only God knows what.

She broke off with a gasp and smiled at him. It sickened me.

“Hey, sex maniacs, the movie is about to start, should we go in? Or wait until you slid your pants down, Dave?” Erin asked holding the bucket of popcorn.

“Hey, you want me to help you out?” I asked to get myself preoccupied, and to be polite.

“You don’t have to,” Eva piped up. “Erin, you can handle it, can’t you,” she said squeezing his biceps, all the while looking at me.

“Come on Eva, Laura.” Dave, the brainless jock, said as he walked into the theater. No one helped the poor guy that was carrying all of our snacks for us. At least I tried hold the door open.

The movie started and I can already hear lip locking to my right.

The movie was about some maniac vampire on the road killing everyone in each small town. Completely pathetic. Erin sat beside me on the left, and Eva and Dave on the other side of me. Dave and Erin abruptly left to go outside.

It was like fifteen minutes when they came back. Erin made himself more comfortable when they returned. He leaned back in his chair. On the screen was this vampire biting into this chick’s neck.

Erin pulled my hair back from my neck and leaned down and bit it, not hard but the way he did it was disgusting.

All I could think about was that ten minutes in the alley behind a store. How I raced home and stayed in the shower until the water turned ice-cold and my sister had to drag me out. I cleaned myself, over and over, and never felt completely clean.

He blew his breath on my neck, and the freshly smoked pot very evident.

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I wrote it and no one can read it because of the way the paragraphs were written. So here you go, better grammar.

Tell me what you think, thanks!!
What is there to do when all else fails?




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*Moved to Other Fiction*

Some good changes for the grammar but you still have a few awkward sentences so maybe take another look at the suggestions made on your first draft and here's a new one I noticed -

At least I tried to hold the door open.
Writing Gooder

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Hmm in all honesty I didn't enjoy this much. The characters were very cliche - but I can tell that you are deliberatly putting the typical 'jocks and cheerleaders' across. But i didn't like the main character - she was a little too complainy. She clearly dosen't like the people that she is with - so why would she go to the cinema with them?

I also felt that you repeated things - like the cheerleader being her lab parter - you don't really need to tell us that more than once.

Still, I'm interested in the way you are taking this story - why she was so funny about the guy breathing on her (Or if it was just the pot breath lol), just interested in where you were gonna take it.

I would like to read more - I would like to connect with the main character a bit more!!!

All the best,
Meevs
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