Alone

Alone

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Walking home from school,
My friends surrounding me.
They are so loyal,
Always there for me.

I'm so excited...
Got my first `A.`
Can't wait to tell you.

Sprinting through the rusted screen door,
Heard a squeak.

I yell your name, Mommy--
But there was no reply.
Nobody answered...
Complete silence.

I am hearing things now...
The birds answering me
With their chirps and peeps.
The wind blowing,
Warning me of what can happen.

I run through the house.
Could you be out?
I don't think so,
Not on a day like today:
Sunny, bright.

Now, walking through the den,
I burst into tears.

I run out into the front.
I sit in the lawn
You cut yesterday.

I cry, tears dripping down my face.
I stand out like a dead flower in a garden of roses.
The suns pounds on my neck,
Making the pain stronger.

Mommy, I am alone now.
Daddy left me, now you too?
How could you,
Why did you?

I am done,
Life has abandoned me.
Now, I am alone.


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I have tried to perfect this, but I know it will take a long time. I like this, I guess it shows a softer side of people. It's an old poem, by the way..
What do you think?

Thanks!!!!

EDIT: Just so you know, so I don't crowd up the thread, I will reply to you via PM. Unless you'd perfer email. (If so, leave me your email address.)Okey dokey, now get critin'!

wow...that was good, yet it didn't really tell what happened (though you can only assume that she died) Otherwise I didn't see any problem with it. Good going and keep righting!

I am done,
Life has abandoned me.
Now, I am alone.

You don't need all of that. It's redundant. I think that "Now I am alone" would suffice as a final stanza. I was kind of unimpressed by this. It was like a twilight zone episode that I'd seen already. The story itself wasn't particularly poetic, and the poetic elements that were there felt tacked on. I liked the first one better, personally.

I thought this was really good. It flows well but gets confusing in places. I think that the last stanza isn't needed and if it ended on a question it would be more intriguing.

I'm so excited...
Got my first `A.`
Can't wait to tell you.

I think that this stanza is also awkward. It doesn't have the same flow as the others and it seems too random.

Apart from this it is a good poem. Keep it up!

It's been a while since I read the first draft, but it looks like it's looking up There are, however, two major things I've noticed.

(1) It seems very -event- -event- -event- to me, rather than the way I usually think of poetry, one big, almost musical, floating progression from point A to point B. I think this starts around the line "I run through the house" and continues pretty much to the end. For the most part, these seem like event stanzas, rather than theme or emotion stanzas, and as such, I wonder if they're really necessary to the overall point of the poem. Could you not as easily take a single stanza to say in a pretty way that the narrator's alone in the house?

(2) It seemed very bland, emotionally. Almost like "everyone left, boohoo, I'm going to go cry" which is true, that might be what happens, but these feelings are the heart of the poem, what you've tried for the past several stanzas to accomplish. Expand on the idea of loneliness, how lonely can you make the words ring? Something that helps me sometimes is to look up the word, in this case "lonely" in the dictionary and see what other words it relates to. In this case, lonesome, which is "sad at feeling alone" so one thing you can do is to explore this concept: is the narrator sad because she is alone, or is she sad because she feels alone? See how this might take you more places than "Life has abandoned me"? Let your mind explore

PM me if you have any questions; I'd be happy to help
-Amelia

Yay! We love rewrites. ^_^ First of all, remember to rate it! Then it can be on the front page.

Anyway, I critiqued this before, I think, so this will be mostly nit-picky stuff.

Walking home from school,
My friends surrounding me.
They are so loyal,
Always there for me.

I'm so excited... <--- I sort of want this stanza connected with the first.
Got my first `A.`
Can't wait to tell you.

Sprinting through the rusted screen door, <--- and this stanza, I think would be better with the first guy as well.

Heard a squeak.

I yell your name, Mommy--
But there was no reply.
Nobody answered...
Complete silence. <--- I sort of prefer the more direct approach. So I might write "Complete silence./You are gone" or something like that. You might want to have fun with this more though. ^_^

I am hearing things now... <--- Get rid of the ellipse

The birds answering me <--- Instead of answering, just make it "answer."

With their chirps and peeps.
The wind blowing,
Warning me of what can happen. <--- This line doesn't really make sense.

I run through the house.
Could you be out?
I don't think so,
Not on a day like today:
Sunny, bright.

Now, walking through the den,
I burst into tears. <--- Maybe you should get rid of this stanza.

I run out into the front.
I sit in the lawn
You cut yesterday.

I cry, tears dripping down my face.
I stand out like a dead flower in a garden of roses.
The suns pounds on my neck, <--- Instead of "pounds" you should look for a more violent word.
Making the pain stronger. <--- This line you should probably delete.

Mommy, I am alone now.
Daddy left me, now you too?
How could you,
Why did you?

I am done,
Life has abandoned me. <--- you should probably delete the first two lines of this stanza.
Now, I am alone.

I like how you did this over again. It's much nicer. I didn't see it as her mother dying but more as her mother just leaving. But now that you mention it, it would actually make sense that her mother died. When I read this I actually expected you to say that she found her mother's body on the floor or something. So it was hard to see if she had died or just left.

"I cry, tears dripping down my face.
I stand out like a dead flower in a garden of roses.
The suns pounds on my neck,
Making the pain stronger.

That line seemed long and like it wasn't needed. It just really didn't fit in.

"I run out into the front.
I sit in the lawn
You cut yesterday."

I didn't like this part.
I think maybe it would be better if you used:

I ran out front
And sat in the lawn
You cut yesterday

Just an opinion. And the part about her mom cutting it kind of seems like it doesn't need to be there. But I guess if it's like her remembering her mother it works...

All in all I really liked it.

Keep up the good work!


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay