Werewolves

This ain't the full chapter, I'll add it part by part.

Chapter 1-Asilan

Asilan walked into the darkness of the kitchen. He flipped a switch and saw his mother sitting at the table in a night gown tapping a clawed hand on the table. The surrounding air seemed heated by her anger. She took a sip of her coffee and finally said, “So where have you been?”
“Out,” Asilan replied.
“At two in the morning?” She took another sip of her coffee.
“I wasn’t endangering the pack. I was just with some friends.”
“Human friends?” his mother asked raising an eye brow. Asilan nodded slowly. “Asilan, if you need friends or someone to hang out with I’m sure some of the pack would be happy to oblige.” She stood up and put her cup in the sink. “We can’t risk befriending the humans: remember Tirisk?”

Asilan remembered Tirisk too well. Five years ago before they moved to Yerl, they lived in a town known as Tirisk, it was heavily populated by humans and Lisom, the pack leader at the time, thought it was the best place to find cover from scrutiny. But that was until his sister, Resla, met a human boy. He acted nice too her until her secret slipped and the rest of the packs’.
The human boy freaked out and killed Resla with silver knife. The boy soon alerted the human guard and then Lisom, Asilan’s father, and many other wolves were killed soon afterward. They fled the area quickly and after many days of traveling they settled in a town known as Yerl. We were instructed not to make friends with humans soon afterwards, but soon wolves were not bothering making close friendships with some humans. Asilan only became friends with the humans because they were he first people to not see him as strange. They accepted him and he could be partly himself with them.

If you read 'Blood & Chocolate' and this starts sounding like it please tell me. I'm not trying to make anything similar, it's just something hard to advoid sometimes.

I'll leave the specific grammar correcting up to someone else. I don't enjoy doing that. I'll just point out that you have some spelling and grammar mistakes that, if you reread this, you can fix easily.

Otherwise, there's very little here and I can't really say much about it, but I'll tell you that I'm a little confused with the clawed hand of the mother. Is it like an actual claw, or does it look like a normal nail? I think you should definetly make the appearance more known as the story progesses (which you probly will any, I just wanted to state that I was a little confused by it.).

Another thing is that it does start off really dull. If this were a published book I picked up in a bookstore I would keep reading in hope it got better (though I know it's only a couple paragraphs) but I suggest maybe putting a prologe in, but don't follow this advice if you've already got more of a suspense thing going on for the background of the characters with what happened in the other village. (I hope that just made sense and wasn't a bunch of babble XD)

alright, that's all I can really point out right now. If you send me links in the other chat telling me to read more parts of this chapter than I'll be happy to help you out some more. I'm very interested your writing style ^.^

--meow

Your story line seems intriguing, and I do have to admit, it does remind me of "Blood and Chocolate. There are some grammar and spelling issues, but other than that, I'm interested in seeing where this story goes!

I thought it was rather a good beginning, actually.

Now for grammer and stuff! (*groansigh*)

He flipped a switch and saw his mother sitting at the table in a night gown tapping a clawed hand on the table.

Werewolf in a nightgown... *snickers* Sorry.

“Human friends?” his mother asked raising an eye brow.

These are two words that need to be one. So, night gown = nightgown, and eye brow = eyebrow.

Asilan only became friends with the humans because they were he first people to not see him as strange.

he = the

Asilan remembered Tirisk ... too well.

Make that, all too well.

Five years ago before they moved to Yerl, they lived in a town known as Tirisk, it was heavily populated by humans and Lisom, the pack leader at the time, thought it was the best place to find cover from scrutiny.

Long sentance. I'd split it into two, so, Five years ago before they moved to Yerl, they lived in a town known as Tirisk. It was heavily populated by humans...

Add had in to make that they had lived in a town known as Tirisk.

But that was until his sister, Resla, met a human boy.

It's best not to start sentances with but unless it's very awkward otherwise. Just drop it.

He acted nice too her until her secret slipped and the rest of the packs’.

Too = to.

The end of this sentance is awkwardly worded. Nix the ... and the rest of the packs'.

Asilan remembered Tirisk too well. Five years ago before they moved to Yerl, they lived in a town known as Tirisk, it was heavily populated by humans and Lisom, the pack leader at the time, thought it was the best place to find cover from scrutiny. But that was until his sister, Resla, met a human boy. He acted nice too her until her secret slipped and the rest of the packs’.
The human boy freaked out and killed Resla with silver knife. The boy soon alerted the human guard and then Lisom, Asilan’s father, and many other wolves were killed soon afterward. They fled the area quickly and after many days of traveling they settled in a town known as Yerl. We were instructed not to make friends with humans soon afterwards, but soon wolves were not bothering making close friendships with some humans. Asilan only became friends with the humans because they were he first people to not see him as strange. They accepted him and he could be partly himself with them.

This whole paragraph is an uncomfortable info-dump. Sorry, but there it is. Why not have the prologue the scene where the werewolves and the humans are fighting? Then you're showing and not telling, which gives you mega brownie points. ^_^

And Asilan's mother's reaction is very bland and emotionless. Is this just her personality? She just says, "Remember Tirisk?" without any show of feeling whatsoever. If it was as big a happening as you say it is, then she should show SOME emotion, unless this is her character.



You need to break this up. Add a line between each bit of dialogue, and each paragraph.

Ergo, sir knight:

She took a sip of her coffee and finally said, “So where have you been?”

“Out,” Asilan replied.

“At two in the morning?” She took another sip of her coffee.

“I wasn’t endangering the pack. I was just with some friends.”

“Human friends?” his mother asked raising an eye brow. Asilan nodded slowly. “Asilan, if you need friends or someone to hang out with I’m sure some of the pack would be happy to oblige.” She stood up and put her cup in the sink. “We can’t risk befriending the humans: remember Tirisk?”

Savvy? Proper spacing will get you much more readers.


--

This looks to be very good, and even though werewolves are becoming slightly hackneyed, (I can't complain - I use them as well ) this still looks interesting! It made me want to read more. Just do a proof read and space out the next bits.

hehe, I told you someone else would name the grammar and spelling issues ^.^

--meow

I would add the Prologue but it seems whenever I tried to make it I couldn't get it correct. So I started with my original beginning. I'll try to make a prologue but, I can;t make any garentees.

“At two in the morning?” She took another sip of her coffee.

It was already mentioned that she was upset, so I'd include something here to help to emphasize that. Taking another sip of coffee is disappointingly mundane.

I liked the first half of this submission. Spelling and grammar mistakes aside, it really isn't all that bad. It's a great set-up for the continuation of your story. The second half, however, gets a bit confusing. There are a lot of unfamiliar characters and places that are introduced in such short a space that it becomes overwhelming. I think it might be best if you split it into two (or three) separate paragraphs.

Asilan remembered Tirisk too well. Five years ago [s]before they moved to Yerl[/s], they lived in a town known as Tirisk, it was heavily populated by humans and Lisom, the pack leader at the time, thought it was the best place to find cover from scrutiny.

[s]But that was until[/s] Then his sister, Resla, met a human boy. He acted nice too her until her secret slipped and the rest of the packs’. The human boy freaked out and killed Resla with silver knife. The boy soon alerted the human guard and then Lisom, Asilan’s father, and many other wolves were killed soon afterward.

They fled the area quickly and after many days of traveling they settled in a town known as Yerl. We were instructed not to make friends with humans soon afterwards, but soon wolves were not bothering making close friendships with some humans.

Asilan only became friends with the humans because they were he first people to not see him as strange. They accepted him and he could be partly himself with them.

Remember that the point of view is still Asilan's. This is his perspective, his memory that he is recalling. The bolded text does not coincidence with this.

So the large, bulky paragraph is now split into four smaller ones. I suggest adding more detail to each part, and this will help prevent your words from becoming rushed and overinformative.