Field Trip Part 3

The bus driver swore very loudly and hit the steering wheel in frustration. The bus honked.

He stood up, and pulled out his gun.

“It looks like this is where the ride ends, people!”

I sank into my seat, so that if he fired, I couldn’t be hit. “This is where you will say your last three words. This is where you will die.”

I sank lower. And lower. And lower.

And then I saw it.

It was a bright, pink cell phone. It was Samantha’s bright, pink cell phone.

I gasped. How could my luck be that great?

I quickly grabbed it, made sure that the hijacker wasn’t watching me, and then dialed 911.

It rang one time, and then the operator asked, “This is emergency response. Please state your name and emergency.”

The bus driver was still talking and waving his gun around.

“My name is Nick Henderson. My class was going on a field trip, and then the bus driver shot and killed my teacher, and he hijacked the bus! He is going to kill us all!”

“Where are you?”

“Uh, I don’t know… the last city we passed was Mason and we have traveled about thirty miles east of there.”

“Uh-huh…and are you safe from the bus driver?”

I looked up.

I saw that the bus driver was looking at me, with the gun pointed at my chest.

“No…” I whispered into the phone.

“NOW! GO!” someone yelled up in the front. The man with the gun looked up and shouted, “Get back here you lying son—“

“Hurry!” I yelled into the phone, and then broke the connection. I looked up to see what had happened.

The same two boys that tried to escape last time, finally opened the door, and hurdled themselves outside.

The bus driver angrily cursed them and followed the boys out the door.

“Go!” a girl screamed, and another girl opened the emergency exit door, just like Tracy had done, and soon the bus began to be full of yells and cries to get out.

I saw Tracy get out of the bus, followed by Angie, and then other people. I jumped up and got in the line, looking out for the hijacker.

He was shooting someplace, but I couldn’t see him. I could tell he wasn’t shooting towards the escaped children, though.

Man, everything that happened next just terrified me.

First, I heard a loud honk, just like the bus had done a few minutes ago.

Then I screamed as I felt this really hard impact on my legs, and I was sent flying to the ground. I looked up and saw that my nose was all bloody, and my leg was killing me. There was a kid lying on top of my back.

There was another honk, and another huge crash, and I finally could see behind me.

There were two semi trucks somehow lodged into the back of the bus. They had crashed into the bus, apparently trying to avoid the kids.

And then the third semi truck hit, and everything went upside down.
I was thrown against the wall, and I had no clue where I was.

What had happened? What were the seats now above me? Why was I lying on the roof of the bus? And why did I taste blood in my mouth?

I heard screams and shouts and people were pulling themselves up from the accident. I was having really a hard time breathing. I staggered for a moment, and then slowly crawled my way to the emergency door. Kids were pulling themselves out of the door, and into the forest sort of area that we were in.

I looked out a window and saw Tracy. Her neck was all bloody, but she otherwise looked ok.

I pulled myself up and then reached for the door. It was a lot easier to get myself out then I thought it would be. Just then, I heard a CRACK! and I fell away from the bus, onto the hard, paved road.

I heard screams and feet scrambling to get away, and I looked up to see the man with the gun shooting at everyone he could see.

I gasped as I pushed off of the ground and landed on my feet. I looked at a heavily wooded area and ran as fast as my legs would let me towards it.

I have never been a really fast runner, but today, my body thought otherwise. I had seen too much today, and I needed to run until all of my problems were gone.

I needed to run until Samantha was back alive.

I needed to run until I got away from the bus driver.

I needed to run.

Bullets cracked in the air, and I ran until I dropped to the soft, muddy ground. I breathed hard, trying to hide from the bus driver. Was he close? It seemed like I had run a long way from the bus, so he couldn’t have caught me. And he never did shoot me!

“Oh, Nick!” a voice said over to my left.

My head shot up and I saw Tracy, who was running towards me.

“Tracy!” I stammered.

Suddenly, there was another gunshot, and it came a little too close to my head, and I fell to the ground, dirtying myself.

“Get down,” I told Tracy. She nodded and clambered to the earth. I nodded my head towards another group of trees and I crawled over to it. She followed me.

“Ok, we are hidden…” I said.

She sighed and looked back. Tears came to her eyes.

“Too many people have died! I can’t believe it! I mean, Samantha went head on into traffic! And then Nicolas! Did you see him? He was shot in the back five times! I can’t believe it!” Tracy cried out.

I put my arm around her back.

“Oh, Nick…” she sobbed. She put her head on my shoulder. “And Angie…oh…” she continued to cry.

“What—what happened to Angie?”

“Shot in the head.”

I was stunned. I had known Angie since like first grade. How could she have been killed? She was a fast runner! She could out run a bullet!

“I…I’m so sorry…” Gosh, what could I say?

“I called the police.” I continued.

“I know…so did Angie. He never knew she had a phone.”

She continued to cry.

I mean, I’m not an emotional guy, but when a really good friend starts to bawl her eyes out, what can you do? I mean, I really started to cry, and I haven’t cried since I was six!

The bus driver never found our hiding spot. In those intense few hours, six kids were killed, two being Angie and Samantha.

The police found the three crumpled semi trucks, and our tipped over school bus. They also found all of the bodies but Samantha’s, which was torn up in the traffic.

But they never found Charles Hampton, the bus driver. He ran into the forest, all of his rounds for his gun depleted. The serial killer was still loose, and the police have no idea where he could be.

Tracy and I have become best of best friends. That horrifying event would have seemed to have changed our lives for the worse, but really, it made our relationship grow even more, even without Angie or Samantha.

But beware. You should never, ever, ever trust your bus driver.

Whoa.

Yes, that was my first reponse.

Whoa.

This was not, shall we say, how I was expecting this to end. Mind you, that's a very good thing. But I was still really surprised.
I also felt really bad when it was found out that Angie died. I mean, I had no idea who she really was, but still! She died. Come on!

On the technical end of things, there's not much to correct. There's some minor spelling (mainly just breaking up of words that should not be broken up, like outrun, and so forth), but I think that's it.

One thing about the ending: it felt a little bit rushed. I've never liked the super-short "tying up" paragraph unless there's some meat behind to back it up; it's too tell-y and it doesn't really establish the right connection between the story and the end. I think it'd be a good idea to lengthen your last bit; maybe go into the future a few months and have a scene there to wrap things up. It doesn't have to be a long scene, just enough to clarify your major points; Tracy and Nick becoming best friends, Charles Hampton never getting caught. You could even end with another newspaper article! There are tons of creative ways you could end this, and I know you can do it. Reach out! Plan! It's so awesome when mind and hand connect to write.

So, best of luck, and if you need help, you know where to find me.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

Yes, the ending was a tad rushed, but the action in the middle wasn't rushed. Good! I didn't see any grammer mistakes or nothing, so very good! Am I glad I don't go on "field trips".

I liked this a lot. Your character's emotions seem to be genuine, and I got a really good feeling for the action and tense parts of the piece. As I said before, I CAN"T BELIVE YOU KILLED SAMANTHA!!!! Killing her was very bad from an emotional point of view, but very good from a writing point of view. It shows that you are able to make your readers feel at least some emoion.

Keep up the good work!

PM me with questions or comments.

wow BBB, this is awesome. i couldnt read fast enough. i also wasnt expecting Samantha to be eliminated. you did a great job in keeping me hooked and on the edge of my seat.
i love reading your work.

kim

Hey thanks for reviewing Field Trip. This has really made me a better author.

By the way, I got this published! If it weren't for you guys, then I would never have accomplished my dream!

BBB

Interesting story; not usually my type but I read through it anyway.

Like others have said there were no major problems with grammar.

As for the characters, they were OK. It's most likely just me but I didn't connect with the characters, but that's probably because they're immature young boys and I'm 18. Nick wasn't particularly endearing up until the point where he covered for Samantha.

There are several problems with realism/continuity that are the main problem with this story.


Is the bus driver just some guy that turned up in place of the real bus driver, or is he actually being paid by a bus company?

This question relates to what I'm about to say here:

A bus company would never have hired him knowing his criminal record.

If he just hopped on, wouldn't someone (eg, other bus drivers) have noticed that he was an impersonator?

I think the chase scene needs to be more detailed, it was a little confusing; and it seemed like the bus and the cop cars were the only things in existence. Shouldn't there have been other cars?

Also, I'm not sure that the bus would be capable of maneuvering as you described.

Emergency door: shouldn't this be emergency window? Also, the way you described her escape suggests to me she uses the emergency window at the back of the bus, which would mean she would not land amidst the traffic.

Also, would a young girl be able to push the window out first go?

A small thing: I may have overlooked this, but it seems Nick doesn't turn the speaker phone off on Samantha's phone after he picks it up again.

On that note, if you want to create more suspense, you should have the phone ring for a long time, almost hopelessly, before the operator answers.

And like someone else said the ending does feel a little rushed, and the 'moral of the story' a little comical.

You look like you're coming along well with your writing, keep it up.

I don't think they're called hijackers in cars. They are called carjackers . Hijackers are for aeroplanes lol.

'What were the seats now above me?'

'WHY were seats now above me?'

'I have never been a really fast runner, but today, my body thought otherwise. I had seen too much today, and I needed to run until all of my problems were gone.

I needed to run until Samantha was back alive.

I needed to run until I got away from the bus driver.

I needed to run.'

OOH! That's excellent!

Wow BBB! Thta was my favourite story by you by long way! It was really fun, packed full of suspense. Why don't you make this into a prologue, and do a 'five years later' thing or something. That would be rally cool!

You got this published! Wow! Self-publishing or publisher-publishing? Wow omg! You have a really style too, you rule!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~