....Untitled

Okay, here we go. This poem has more of a basic topic, so it stays on track better than my other one did...I hope. I haven't given it a title yet, as well, so....yeah.

....Untitled

We wish for more and take for granted,
Seeds that hopes and dreams have planted,
Family, friends, loss, love,
The freedom that hangs off the wings of a dove

The stars, the moon, the clouds, the sun,
They bring beauty, joy, love, and fun,
Feel the rain upon your face,
Don't flinch away from its embrace,
The silence of the darkened night,
Is welcome more than day's soft light


This is one of my favorite poems. I don't really know why...What do you think??

Originally, the line "Feel the rain upon your face" was supposed to be "Feel the wind and rain upon your face", but I'm not quite sure that flows as well. Should I keep it, or leave "wind" out??

Definitely leave "wind and rain" out of the line you mentioned; it clutters things a bit. Or I suppose you could just leave out the "the" and have: "Fell wind and rain upon your face" or such. In all, it flows nicely. The rhymes were a tad typical, somewhat the usual ones you might find, but they don't really sound forced, which is a good thing.

I think you could have been a bit more daring with the imagery. "The freedom that hangs off the wings of a dove" is a good start, but you could expand on it as well; embed that idea of freedom hanging from a thread, dangling high in the sky, into other parts of the poem if you can. Similarly, "don't flinch away from its embrace" is nice, but it's isolated; there's not much to connect this image with too much else in the rest of the poem. The last two lines sound nice together, but I don't know if the idea holds up, as they compare silence, an auditory perception, to daylight, a visual one. That's like saying something like 'the feel of a cold stone wall is more pleasant than the smell of an onion'. Stone walls might be nice, and onions might be a tad unpleasant, but they don't really compare too well.

This was kind of cute. It had a glow, sort of an all-around happy feeling radiating from it. Glow is fine, I see why you liked it, but laser is better. Focus it a little more. Make it about something special, or tell us why life in general is special. It is a wonderful sentiment, don't get me wrong, it's just that many people, myself included, have written about things like this in similar ways.

The first stanza was nice. That was my favorite part. I cannot say the same about the last two lines. They simultaneously used a very common rhyme and made no sense to me. Why is quiet nighttime better than soft daylight? You already say that both sun and stars make you happy.
I liked the vibe and I liked the first stanza, but the piece could use some ironing out.

I liked this a lot...It's really nice to read such a warm, fuzzy poem. ^-^

Not a lot to crit. spelling and grammer-wise but can I suggest 'welcomed' rather the 'welcome'. I just think It would read better.

Great piece hun. ^-^

~M

Cliche. This poem's main problem is that it lacks originality. If your goal is to write a bad pop song, then congratulations. But if your goal was to write poetry that is unique and memorable, you've made some big mistakes.
Putting this in such general terms doesn't do much for its appeal; what's going to make a reader understand better, a general statement like "chocolate is good" or a great description of one piece of chocolate and how it tastes at one moment in time?
Nearly everything expressed here is a cliche--overused phrases or ideas that we've all seen before. There's nothing wrong with expressing an old or general idea, but you've got to express it in a unique way. When you read what you've written, think, does it sound like I took this off a Hallmark card? Have I been watching too much American Idol or Extreme Makeover Home Edition?

Imagery. This is, as they say, the "backbone" of your piece, and it ties in with this idea of cliche. Create a vivid, specific image. Place your speaker, if there is one, in a particular place. What has happened to this speaker or subject to make him/her think about this stuff? Where is he/she? What do the surroundings look like? What can be heard? Tasted? Touched? Smelled?
Example:

Feel the rain upon your face

Eh, so-so. Not very specific, is it? What does rain feel like? All people have felt rain before, but each person is an individual; therefore, each person should have a different interpretation of rain. I want to know, what's yours? Make me feel it myself, make me see and hear it. Using specific words and images, you can create a picture vivid enough for a reader to be able to feel it.

Title. And don't name your piece "Untitled." Your poem's title is its outward appearance. If you want someone to eat a pie, you name it "Delectable, Juicy, Warm Blueberry Pie," not "Snot-filled, Moldy Green Pie."

Good luck editing, and keep at it.
-Colleen

I definitely think you could be a little more daring with your choice of words. Get a thesaurus. Look up new words. Expand your vocabulary! Otherwise things just seem a little bit duller than they could be. But, overall, it was a nice poem.

Thanks for the input! And I understand where you're all coming from. Next time, when I'm seriously thinking about writing a poem, your suggestions a comment will be the first thing that comes to mind.

But, like with my other poem, it was just something to pass the time. Something to grab a hold of and get out on paper. It hasn't been edited, or drafted, or prewritten, or thought about much ever since I wrote. Granted, I probably will go back and fix all of the icky cliches and terrible imagery and...the list could go on for a long time. But it probably won't be for a while.

But, like I said, this is good feedback for when I'm actually really, REALLY wanting to write an amazing poem. I thank you all, and hopefully, this has made me even a tiny bit better at checking rhythms and cliches and imagery.

Thanks for all the comments and reviews!