Homeless Love

As a thirteen year old, I don't expect my work to be masterpieces. Which is a good job... seeing as they aren't, but I just wanted to show you guys this, I've done it as a little piece at school. It's rough, but I enjoyed writing it... something... different, I think It's short, and I can't find a short story section, please move if there is. (New to the forums )

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Homeless Love

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I realised how soon the weather had changed when my breath left my mouth, thick and misty, like a dragon’s breath. Drips rolled and tumbled down my back, I looked up to see the snow restarting. I shuffled further back into the doorway, while pulling the useless, tartan blanket up to my chin. The frozen puddles had started to thaw, and the icicles were swaying dangerously in the newborn winds. A strong breeze brushed the ice stalactites above my head; they twinkled and showered me with small cold drops. Should I waste the warmth in my feet to grab the icicles and probably save my life? I almost laughed at myself, I shook my head, and I couldn’t believe I even considered it. I’d only just got my feet warm, that really was a pleasure to be had after those cold chills from the night before.

The dripping stopped; and I thanked any god that might have been listening to me. A smile shot to my lips, as a bullet to a rabbit. Even if they do exist, I doubted they'd even cast a thought my way. I looked up to the heavens, just wondering, and saw that the moon had almost set. The thought of the glorious sun rising, empowering me with heat and happiness sent my thoughts soaring through the clouds, jumping at the large ball of gas, forcing it to come up above the horizon. Then to be cruelly snatched away, by the depths of shadows and the lunar beams would have been seen once more.

As I pushed myself further up into the murky doorway, the front of that deserted house, I felt the bruises stretching out, from inside of my muscles, the souvenirs from the nights beating. Tears welled up in my eyes as I winced at the memory. I remembered the smell of the drunk’s breath throwing insults like a cat clawing at my pride, tearing out any dignity I have left. I can could almost hear his breathing, and his thick feet hitting the ground, and could even remember the splat of his spit smiting the floor, just millimetres away from my nose. I re-felt the punches, the kicks and being pushed into that very doorway, and even remembered the glass on the floor; tearing and ripping through any skin it could find. Then, all I could remember from after that is that he was running to the door of his house, and me clearing the glass, with any strength I had left.

As the sun rose I start to pack. It didn’t take long, so I decided to walk a bit, to clear the airways and stretch my legs. I lifted my feet, step by little step; and I looked down. I groaned in horror at the state of my legs; all bloody and bruised from the beating. Every step was giving me a heat wave of agony, flowing freshly through my veins. As I peered into the house window, wanting to see the true damage, I stared at myself. Minutes were passing by and I was still just staring. My mouth was blue and open wide in shock, my hair black, but greasy; with speckles of white, looking like dandruff, but I knew it was from the snow. My clothes were filthy and ruffled from sleeping in a corner of concrete and wood. A few cigarette burns, where clearly people hadn't given a damn that I'd passed out, and had tried to burn me. Mum really was right. I'm worthless. Like her to see me now.

I can remember that I carried on walking, the snow was crumbling under my feet like grapes crunching from the pressure in my mouth. Why had I brought up food? My stomach rumbled as I struggled to remember the last time I had eaten. It would have been an apple pie. An apple pie that would of steamed from the fork holes, and was over-flowing with a loving smell. Even the taste was faultless. I can remember the smoke streaming from my mouth like steam from a kettle. My stomach rumbled again, pulling me from my reverie. I heard a footstep. It was a small, tottering footstep. I remember hat touch on the ground, that small 'thump' as foot hits floor. I remember it like a restless shadow from a forgotten dream. I looked around the corner, and saw him! The reason I got forced out of my home! My true love! Finally, someone I could look at with passion and it could be returned. I gasped, and he turned around. He saw me and his mouth widened in an 'o' larger than a koi carps. I smiled at him, he grabbed my hands, squeezing them and pulling me into the warmth of his arms. It was just then, I knew that everything, would work out.

*******

I remember that night so well. It was my first night of being homeless. Chucked out by my own blood, into the dark alleyways of life, into a new world; just for him. He’s looking after me now, getting me well and stuff. It was the right decision to stick with him. I just know it.



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There you have it! It's not much, but I wanted you to see it!

I've made some more changes... whether for better or worse... it's to be seen I think it's a better ending now though

Please feel free (And please do...) critique and help me with my work!

Pretty please?

With a cherry on top?

Hi there! I see you're new here. Welcome aboard YWS! I'm Razorblade.

Here at YWS, we have this little rule that states you must critique at least two other works before posting your own. Once you've done that, we ask that you try and keep that ratio of 2 critiques to every 1 piece of work relatively the same. Once you've critiqued your first two works, I'll come back and critique this for you, okay?

Here's a few useful links, while I'm on the subject:
Rules - topic710.html
A handy posting guide courtesy of the lovely Claudette - topic14334.html

Welcome again, and I hope you enjoy yourself here!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hi!

I've come to collect that cherry on top!! lol.
Yeah, as St Razor said, you really should critique other people before posting your work. But I'll critique you anyway

I liked it. The descriptions are stunning and the similes are very effective. The plot is somewhat cliche, but the way it was written hides that and makes it seem very original, if you know what I mean. So in other words: good job! I really enjoyed reading it.

The major negative things I noticed are that
1)it changes tenses. The first paragraph is in past, but after that it's in present. Clear that up!
2) You use commas too much! I do it too, but it really makes it seem choppy... I will try to point some of the incidents out in the following critique, but try to work on it on your own too.

As the steaming breath of a dragon left my mouth, I realised how soon the weather had changed.

Very nice simile here!! I suggest (only a suggestion, mind --as this whole critique is) that you edit it a bit, thus making it "I realized how soon the weather had changed when my breath left my mouth thick and misty, like the breath of a dragon." You don't have to word it that way, obviously, but I think something like that would work better... oh, and I think "realized" is spelled with a "z" not a "s".

Shuffling further back into the doorway, I pulled the slim, tartan, basically useless, blanket up to my chin. The frozen puddles were starting to thaw, and the icicles swaying, dangerously, in the newborn wind.

First sentence: This sentence is a bit choppy. It has too many words. I suggest you take out either "slim" "tartan" or "basically useless"
Second sentence: Change it to "The frozen puddles were starting to thaw, and the icicles swayed dangerously in the newborn wind."

Pfft, no. Warm feet, that is a pleasure to be had after the cold chill from last night.

Take out the "pfft" it doesn't fit in with the rest of the narration. and for the second sentence: I think it would read better as "Warm feet is a pleasure to be had after the chill of last night."

Yeah. Right.

Yeah right doesn't fit with the narration any more that pfft does. Maybe say something like "Inwardly, I laughed grimly at myself."

Tears well up in my eyes, as I wince at the memory.

Take out the comma!! It's not needed!!!

I smell the drunks breath throwing insults like a cat clawing at my insides.

"drunks" should be possessive, making it "drunk's" ... and interesting simile. I think you might want to say "like a cat clawing at my pride..." ? Or you might not.

...and even remember the splat of his spit, smiting the floor, millimetres away from my nose.

Take out the un-needed comma after "floor"

As the sun rises, I start to pack, not taking long, I decide to walk a bit, clear the airways and stretch my legs.

Put a period after "pack" rather than a comma. Then the part after that I think should be changed to "That not taking long, I decide to walk a bit to clear the airways and stretch my legs."

As I look down, I'm groaning in horror at the state of my legs. All bloody and bruised from the beating last night.

I think you should make this "As I look down, I groan in horror at the state of my legs; all bloody and bruised from the beating last night."

I carry on walking, snow crumbling under my feet, like... like grapes crunching from the pressure in my mouth. Ughh... why did I bring up food?
Take out the first "like" and the "..." and also take out the "ughh..."

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Very good over all, as I already said before the critique. You may also consider moving it to Romantic Fiction. To do this, PM a Moderator or an Administrator and ask them to do it for you.

Hope this helps!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions (that I can answer,t hat is )
Welcome to YWS!!



~Azila~

Thanks for the crit

I didn't realise about the "2 crit posting thing" I'll go crit now

My teacher picked up on my use of comma's... I can't help it1 It's obsessive! I'll put in your recommendations... it does look better after that

*Passes Azila the Cherry*

Happy?

EDIT - I really hate tenses... Past...Present...Future... wow my head hurts. I'll edit in what I've done but I'm really confused what tense I want to write it in.

What suits the style most?

P.S. I'm going to get it moved hopefully... I'm presuming there isn't a Short Story section in general?

Yummm! That was a good cherry... especially considering it's not really the peak of cherry season. Where's you get it? I can never find places that sell hypothetical cherries, they're so hard to come upon these days!

Cherries aside, let's get to your tense problem.

Present
Personally, I like present --especially for very descriptive flash fiction like this. In my opinion, it gives the unpredictable and in-the-moment feel of real life and the uncertainty of weather or not the main character is going to live to tell the tale. It also helps keeping things that could be cliche in the past tense from being cliche. However, for longer pieces, it tends to get tedious unless it's done really well. This is mostly (I think anyway) because it's hard to say "the next day..." you have to say "a day has passed since..." or something which doesn't work as well. I tried to write a novel in present once and looking back it makes me cringe ...though that was my first ever present tense piece, but still.
I think present works best in first person or second person, but not third.

Past
The past tense works very well if you want it to be like someone telling their story (first person) or someone telling someone else's story (third person). If you do it in third person, than it could be sort of in first person too, with the narrator saying stuff like "he did [insert action here], which in my opinion was ..." blah blah blah. I think it's better for doing comedy, for some reason. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that's so.
I think past can work in third person or first person, but not second.

Future
I have no idea, I've never tried it... but I want to. All I can guess is that it would work best in the first or second person.

There's my opinion on the matter. But you really need to find what you personally prefer.

I hope that was helpful

~A~

P.S. No, there isn't a particular short story section. The whole of YWS is for short stories! (or poetry, obviously)

Hmm... I liked this in a way but in others I was like, oh no; this is not my cuppa tea. Right, so the concept was okay, although not majorly original and it's always nice to see a new members join up and start off their own style.

Also, I'm not a fan of the title, it just isn't that caputring and doesn't really draw many readers in; hmm...

But, other than that - which were my major issues - I liked your word selection and I think the structure was okay, although I'm not usually a fan of the whole blocky uppy thing but here it wasn't major.

Good work for an early post.

Title ideas???

Sorry, I haven't got any title ideas. I'm terrible with titles myself, so even if I did have an idea I'm not sure you'd want to use it