Literature Train

I enjoyed writing this, but I think there's something wrong with the flow and such. Any ideas to help improve would be appreciated a lot. Thanks =]

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I don't write to impress,
Just to merely express;
Like the orient.

Ideas trundle on the tracks,
There'll be no going back;
Is it fear?

Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright;
I'll regret it.

I wish I'd never begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.

Wow, this is good...

"I don't write to impress,
Just to merely express;
Like the orient. "

I am not too sure about the last line of this. I love the idea and such but you've got too equally sized lines and then a short one. It kind of stops it, and i'm not sure of it.

"Ideas trundle on the tracks,
There will be no going back;
Is it fear? "

Trundling is a nice word, hehe. Maybe you could use 'there'll' instead of there will, it's probably just the way i'm reading it, could be wrong, but that's my opinion anyways.

"Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright;
I'll regret it. "

I love this bit, sparks and flames is nice.

"Wished I'd never of begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.""

I'm not sure about how this ends. I love the idea don't get me wrong, but the flow seems strange, it's all stoppy and starty. Gosh, look at my technical terms. Anyway i'm not an expert on these things so what do i know..


Tara, from Sarah like


xxx

I really like this. Don't worry about the flow; it sounds better with the rhyme slightly askew. My only problem is the last verse. I don't know--it just sounds sort of emo. But other than that, great work.

"I don't write to impress,
Just to merely express;
Like the orient. "

I get it! But the reference doesn't make as much sense as you'd like it to.

Ideas trundle on the tracks,

I would suggest changing this to "...down the track" so you have another hard consonant to compliment the alliteration, and you don't need to force the plural rhyme.

Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright;

Maybe it's just me, but anything that rhymes with -ght sounds forced.

Wished I'd never of begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.

That "of" is weird. If you mean "have", it doesn't make sense because then the line would be "Wished that I had never have begun." Also, the past tense is out of place. Change it to "I wish that I'd never begun."
On another note, I loved the sense of closure of the last few lines.

I like it, and you can feel the flow, but just barely.

Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright;
I'll regret it.

I really like this one. Very cool.

Wished I'd never of begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.

I had to read this one over and over before I realized what you were trying to say.

Well done. Really liked it.

I don't write to impress,
Just to merely express;

I think these lines could benefit from parallel structure and flow better as a result. This means that since the first line is structured as 'I [blank] to [blank]' the second line should be along the lines of 'I [blank] to [blank]' as well, resulting in the two lines becoming "I don't write to impress/ Just merely to express" The following line, "Like the orient" is a hilarious addition; I like it very much. I think if there were a few more... sounds in the line, it might flow a bit better. Maybe if you moved the "just" from line two to the beginning of line three, to even out the sounds/syllables/words? Then you've got a 6/5/6 syllable count instead of a 6/6/5 syllable count, which makes the third line seem much shorter.

Ideas trundle on the tracks,
There'll be no going back;
Is it fear?

I love the word trundle in the first line! Lovely, unexpected word ^_^ In the second line, the word "there'll" seems like it takes over-ly long to say; maybe "there will" would be better? Similar in the first stanza, the syllable counts become shorter and shorter as the stanza progresses, until you reach the last line, which sounds unnecessarily short. I think the last line could benefit from a few more words to even things out and flow the rhythm a little easier.

Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright;
I'll regret it.

Same again, with the lines getting shorter; again, more in the third line of this stanza. I think the second line here could benefit from "add a load to my fright" becoming "add a load onto my fright" to flesh out the sound-type things more. And I love the fright/freight play. More loveliness!

I wish I'd never begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.

I think this stanza is the farthest off, rhythm-wise. The first line sounds like alot to say, like trying to run really really fast in place as opposed to taking long, even steps forward. I think that might be the "d" from "I'd" crashing into the "n" from "never" and the "v" in the same word all being a bit awkward to say together. Maybe you could 'un-contraction' the word "I'd" into "I had" and move the "had" to between "never" and "begun" to read "I wish I never had begun".

In the following line, I like the rhyme of "sun" because it precedes the last line nicely, the idea of literature swallowing something into a place of darkness, but it almost has the effect of a forced rhyme, where you wrote the line to the rhyme, instead of letting the rhyme flow into the line. I think that the whole line might need to be reworded from scratch; take the idea and write something new, then see if you can manipulate the last word to fit the rhyme, and it might be a little more natural? I like the very last line. A nice way to end.

PM me if you have any questions,
-Amelia

Ohhhh I liked this! I had a little trouble with the flow, but nothing that hasnt been mentioned. I like how simple it was and the ease with which I could read it.

*nods* quirky and cute ^.^ just like Lizzy G!


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

In general, I think you used rhyme effectively and I enjoyed it. Here's a few suggestions -

I don't write to impress,
Just to merely express [I think this line is a little awkward. Perhaps 'But merely to express' or 'Just merely to express' would sound a little smoother?]
Like the orient. [This line is very good but maybe add an adjective before orient to improve the flow.]

Ideas trundle on the tracks,
There'll be no going back;
Is it fear? [This stanza is very lyrical and I like your choice of words but again, maybe add another syllable to that last line. Perhaps 'Do I feel fear?' would flow better and it would make more sense.]

Sparks and flames will ignite,
Add a load to my fright; [I think these first two lines are perfect but the next might be better as 'I will regret it' because that puts more emphasis on the line.]
I'll regret it.

I wish I'd never begun, [Maybe 'I should never have begun' would flow better here.]
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all. [A good ending.]

Overall, I tend to like poetry that has more imagery in it but you have some rather witty lines here and I like the extended metaphor of the 'literature train' so well done.

I liked it. What you were saying was awesome.

Just to merely express

I think the wording on this should be changed around a bit. It just didn't seem to flow like this.

I wish I'd never begun,
I miss the light of the sun;
Literature swallows all.

Haha! Great lines, and so true. You spend so much time inside as a writer, and you just end up yearning to go outside.

I've been writing poetry for years, and feel my improovement to be slow and gradual. I thought this was the case with everyone, until I started reading your stuff. Seriously, you have prooved this notion so, so wrong. It's like other people take one step at a time,and you just skip on ahead. And it's just such a fluid transition! This is the most inspiring thing to watch. Ok...I'll try to shake the awe off so I can actually try and say something remotely helpful.
I agree about the second line being awkward. "Just to" and "merely" kind of squash each other...so I think I'd get rid of one, but then you'd need to add extra words so that you don't lose out on the beat. Maybe;

"It's merely to express."

And I love the word play! "Also with "fright"!)

Other than that, I'm sorry for my uselessness, but I just can't make any more suggestions. You've laid out your theme beautifully, your imagery is amazing, I love the whole train/train of thought thing, and your last line was so powerful! You've really conveyed your emotions here. Your rhyme is great.
So, in conclusion, this is a really great piece and you are brilliant. Lol. Did I really need like eighteen lines to say that?

Hm, I really like the rhythm in this, it worked well but I think that some of the lines could be changed so that it just helps the flow along; y'know, a helping hand?

I like the bit about the orient express, seen as though it is all about a "Literature Train" and I think you've really picked up on something that is more original that others. Some of your imagery is perfect and I like the word "trundling".

Mischief x