The House of Valder (PG-13)

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Hello. No, this doesn't mean I've quit my other story, for those of you who have read Life. This story, in many ways, is easier to wirte, so I've been writing it bit by bit inbetween Life.

So, for a description...Orphaned Naomi Harris has always loved old things, plays, more or less. When she meets the Valder family, the owners of a large playhouse in her hometown, she's quickly thrown into a world far beyond her comprehension. An older one, tucked far away from the touch of modern days. But in this world, there is a curse, one that the Valder family ran from all the way from Colmar, France, to get away from.
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Prologue: The Bad Luck of
Naomi Harris

From sixteen long years of living under the name of Naomi Harris, I have learned quite the few interesting things. For one, anyone cursed to live under the last name of Harris is bound for trouble in their life, more-so than the next person. I learned the next from Malcolm that I have always believed everyone should know. In life, you won’t get what you want, and almost nothing will turn out just the way you had planned.

For instance, I hate parties. It may have been the mind-numbing, ear bleeding music that shot from most speakers, or it could have been the suffocating claustrophobia that gripped at that one person (most time moi) and they ended up puking in the bathroom. But somehow, in the middle of an open field with screams and dancing, I found myself in a linked circle around a roaring bonfire that size of a small house.

The flames flew upward to the pitch black sky and lit up the trees all around, turning the leaves a deadly red as if autumn had come in the middle of summer. Hot as it was, bonfire and the such included, I saw people wearing heavy hooded sweatshirts, full-length holey pants, and anything else that would have made me sweat from sheer mention.

Looking around, I felt as if I were in a daze, as if I were just coming out of some odd dream and just now realized where I was and what I was doing. I was linked by the arms with my dear friend, Alisa Moderatz, on my left and to my right were her older identical twin brothers, Frank and Charlie in that order. I think. Stopping for one second, Alisa stepped on my foot and made me go until I ducked out, unlinking from Frank and her to get a look around.

“Oh…” I said, finally realizing. We’d never done it before, but it was a party for the seniors. There wasn’t anything particularly special about the seniors of that year, but they all wanted a party, so they got one. And somehow, I had gotten right in the middle of it.

Frank, Charlie, and Alisa ran over to me, laughing as loud as they could over the music. I cupped my hands over my mouth. “How in the name of all that is holy did you drag me here?” They smirked, but didn’t ever say anything. I don’t think there was any way they could have heard me. Frank swept behind me and, scooping me up under the arms, placed me on top of his shoulders. I squealed and wrapped my arms and legs around him as best I could.

Alisa was doubled over laughing, but a second later Charlie did the same with her and she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Karma!” I yelled, being thrown around on top of Frank. She stuck her tongue out and flipped back her bright red hair.

We stayed that way for the next couple of hours, Alisa and myself being thrown between her other three older brothers, Gray, Bernard, and Vinny. Near the end, the fire dying down to the last of the telephone poles (I will never ask where we even got telephone poles), we stopped our little game of human hot potato and I was finally able to feel land again.

“Land is a beautiful thing, yet not very plentiful in the air colonies…” I mumbled to myself, getting a blank stair out of Alisa, who quickly slapped me on the back of the neck.

“I think you’re losing your mind,” she giggled then turned to the tallest, but youngest, of her older brothers not counting the twins. “Hey, Vinny, I think you threw her too high that last time! She’s seeing the future!” I wobbled over to her, leaning on her shoulder and laughing like a total nut job.

“Listen, Ali, if I die when they’re putting mutant monkey DNA into our bloodstream, I want you to have my orange juice.” It came out completely between fits of laughter and almost came out as inaudible, but she understood it enough to get freaked out and wipe off her shoulder.

She wrinkled her freckled nose and laughed with me. “I’d rather not,” she said, laughing too, “but seeing as that’s probably all you have to your name, I’ll take it.” I rolled my eyes, walking away from the fire with Frank and Charlie on both sides of me to make sure I wasn’t going to fall over drunk anytime soon.

The Moderatz all looked somewhat alike with fairly long, weasel-like faces with their cheeks and noses absolutely covered in freckles, complete only with flaming red hair. The twins had a devilish gleam to their eyes, which, I’ve noticed, is the same with most identical twins. Vinny and Bernard might as well have been twins, only fourteen months apart. The only big difference between the two was that Vinny was at least two inches taller and had a bit more muscle from the work he did. Gray, the oldest, was in all ways the worst off. Though they were all pale, Gray was …well, he was grey. He always looked--and always was--sick.


But they’re like family, I reminded myself, smiling crookedly behind a wide yawn. Alisa and I struggled to keep up with the much taller boys who were blessed with long legs, while we might as well have big given stubs to wobble on. We practically ran to catch up with them, but by the time we had, they’d all stopped stiffly, standing straight.

“Charlie, what’s up?” Alisa spun around in front of the twin, but he pointed ahead, only after pointing out that he was Frank. She rolled her eyes, and I was confused too. They usually loved it when people got them mixed up. More fun, they would say. The only time they really minded was when they had to be serious.

In a second, Alisa looked forward, and in that same second, she snapped into the same line that her brothers had. Biting my lip, I turned around slowly, to see their mom and dad, Ruth and Keane Moderatz, walking towards them solemnly. No, they’re coming towards me… The thought came suddenly and I took a small step backward. I couldn’t remember a time I had seen them sad.

When they reached me, the petite miss and giant mister, Mrs. Moderatz grabbed my hand and smiled at me. The second she touched me I wanted to pull my hand away. It almost burned, the way she grabbed it with how she looked at me. Pity, I realized.

“Naomi,” she said suddenly, but I shook my head, completely afraid of what she had to tell me. “Malcolm was in an accident, coming back into town today.” I shook my head, having just about forgotten he’d left. Duh, that’s why I’m staying with these guys.

Mr. Moderatz pressed his lips together and placed his hand on my shoulder, pulling me into a tight hug. “He isn’t…in any pain, Naomi,” and the cryptic meaning washed over me all too soon.




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This definitely interests me, and I'd like to know more about your protagonist, Naomi. Good prologue--and I like the picture you included!

Characters. Maybe you ought to get out in your prologue, not in an explanation paragraph, that Naomi is an orphan...or wait, does she become an orphan after "Malcolm" dies? See, I'm confused, so please clear it up.
You don't have to explain who Malcolm is in the prologue, but if you're going to kill him off and want your reader to care, it's a good idea to let us know a little more about his relationship to Naomi. It will be very important for your reader to understand her reaction.
Naomi is a great character. You did a fair job of giving her a believable voice and personality, so keep it up.
I got a little confused when it came to Alisa's family. That's a lot of brothers to introduce in one go. Also, weasel-like, red-haired twins? That's much too Weasley in this post-Harry Potter time.

Plot. Obviously, Malcolm's death is setting us up for something. Naomi's life is about to be seriously disrupted. I wonder, though, why you introduce us to the Moderatz family; are they going to be important in the rest of the story? If they're really not going to pop up again, don't include all of them in your prologue; make it more about Naomi.

Syntax. Some of your sentences are either incorrect or ambiguous; I'm not going to go through every single one, but you ought to pick through this very carefully and make sure all your sentences are correct. When in doubt, ask someone on YWS or just delete the sentence in question. Here are a few examples:
I learned the next from Malcolm that I have always believed everyone should know.

But somehow, in the middle of an open field with screams and dancing, I found myself in a linked circle around a roaring bonfire that size of a small house.

I was linked by the arms with my dear friend, Alisa Moderatz, on my left and to my right were her older identical twin brothers, Frank and Charlie in that order. I think.

Near the end, the fire dying down to the last of the telephone poles (I will never ask where we even got telephone poles), we stopped our little game of human hot potato and I was finally able to feel land again.

Alisa and I struggled to keep up with the much taller boys who were blessed with long legs, while we might as well have big given stubs to wobble on.


Agreement. Your grammar is okay; not great, and not horrible. What I noticed most were agreement problems. Remember, if you say "anyone," which is singular, you must also use a singular pronoun--he, she, her, his--not they or their.

Tense.
For instance, I hate parties. It may have been the mind-numbing, ear bleeding music that shot from most speakers, or it could have been the suffocating claustrophobia that gripped at that one person (most time moi) and they ended up puking in the bathroom.
This part ought to be in present tense, not past. All the things that happen during the party are in past tense. This, however, describes a current aspect of Naomi's personality--that she hates parties, and why. You're not describing a specific party or a past condition, so it should go like this:
For instance, I hate parties. It might be the mind-numbing, ear-bleeding music that shoots from most speakers, or it could be the suffocating claustrophobia that grips one person (most times moi) who ends up puking in the bathroom.

Good job, and keep working!
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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Gender Female
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Cade wrote:This definitely interests me, and I'd like to know more about your protagonist, Naomi. Good prologue--and I like the picture you included!

Characters. Maybe you ought to get out in your prologue, not in an explanation paragraph, that Naomi is an orphan...or wait, does she become an orphan after "Malcolm" dies? See, I'm confused, so please clear it up.
You don't have to explain who Malcolm is in the prologue, but if you're going to kill him off and want your reader to care, it's a good idea to let us know a little more about his relationship to Naomi. It will be very important for your reader to understand her reaction.
Naomi is a great character. You did a fair job of giving her a believable voice and personality, so keep it up.
I got a little confused when it came to Alisa's family. That's a lot of brothers to introduce in one go. Also, weasel-like, red-haired twins? That's much too Weasley in this post-Harry Potter time.

Plot. Obviously, Malcolm's death is setting us up for something. Naomi's life is about to be seriously disrupted. I wonder, though, why you introduce us to the Moderatz family; are they going to be important in the rest of the story? If they're really not going to pop up again, don't include all of them in your prologue; make it more about Naomi.

Syntax. Some of your sentences are either incorrect or ambiguous; I'm not going to go through every single one, but you ought to pick through this very carefully and make sure all your sentences are correct. When in doubt, ask someone on YWS or just delete the sentence in question. Here are a few examples:
I learned the next from Malcolm that I have always believed everyone should know.

But somehow, in the middle of an open field with screams and dancing, I found myself in a linked circle around a roaring bonfire that size of a small house.

I was linked by the arms with my dear friend, Alisa Moderatz, on my left and to my right were her older identical twin brothers, Frank and Charlie in that order. I think.

Near the end, the fire dying down to the last of the telephone poles (I will never ask where we even got telephone poles), we stopped our little game of human hot potato and I was finally able to feel land again.

Alisa and I struggled to keep up with the much taller boys who were blessed with long legs, while we might as well have big given stubs to wobble on.


Agreement. Your grammar is okay; not great, and not horrible. What I noticed most were agreement problems. Remember, if you say "anyone," which is singular, you must also use a singular pronoun--he, she, her, his--not they or their.

Tense.
For instance, I hate parties. It may have been the mind-numbing, ear bleeding music that shot from most speakers, or it could have been the suffocating claustrophobia that gripped at that one person (most time moi) and they ended up puking in the bathroom.
This part ought to be in present tense, not past. All the things that happen during the party are in past tense. This, however, describes a current aspect of Naomi's personality--that she hates parties, and why. You're not describing a specific party or a past condition, so it should go like this:
For instance, I hate parties. It might be the mind-numbing, ear-bleeding music that shoots from most speakers, or it could be the suffocating claustrophobia that grips one person (most times moi) who ends up puking in the bathroom.

Good job, and keep working!
-Colleen


Thank you so much! This is exactly what I was looking for. I'll be sure to take special care of what you said.

And, gah, the Moderatz family... I was so afraid people would think they all were too much like the Weasleys, but they've always been like that and I have never been able to think of them as anything but the defintion of an Irish-American family.




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I won't say much, mostly because I might as well have just woken up, but I really like where this is going. The grammar- and tense-problems slowed me down a little bit, but I think I understand. You should probably introduce 'Malcolm' a slight bit better.

For Pete's sake! Have you no respect for the dead?! :shock:

Okay, now that's just plain silly. :roll:

Best wishes to you and your story!
Jake




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Points 890
Reviews 193
I liked the beginning oof this, but after that it fizzled a little bit.

There were some definite parallels to the Weasleys in the Moderatz family, yes. I mean, twins, red hair, freckles, tallness? Yup, that's them.
Maybe if you took away the twin aspect, it would help diverge from the immediate reaction that is Weasley.

Overall, though, this was good.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin



we are all mariah carey
— Kay (NovemberCrow)