Concequences of Betrayal

[pre]The knife in my back props me up
– A little marionette.
For a moment I turned my back
– How quickly you betrayed me.

The tears slide in rivers down my face
– A flushed whore.
The blade was in my hand so quickly
– How I would die for love.

My castle burns around me
– A fallen goddess.
Crumbling in the heat of my despair
– How easily your love dissolved.

My skin puckers with molten flesh
–A scarred lover.
Melting in the rage of my mistake
–How simply my knife slipped.

The light fades as my breath falters
–A broken doll.
Cursing your name into the dust
–How gloriously the beautiful break.

The clouds darken as my blood slows
– A repentant traitor
Loving you til death do we part
– How harshly the heart dies.

Another bloodied blade lying silent on the floor.[/pre]

hey, that reminded me of some poem i read before......like, well it did remind me of something. hmmmm.....i know this souunds strange but does the voice in this poem sounds like The Charge of th........NEVER MIND.
i think the flow broke at some points. sort of jerky. it was after each of the 'how......' lines, the fourth line of a couple of the verses, that it seemed to pause slghtly.........does that give the effect of breathlessness? i seem to find something new everyday here. Also i'm a bit confused. somebody betrays narrator, the first line shows knife in narrator's back, but then the blade comes quickly to narrator's hand.........
i discovered something else too- if you read the first, second, third or fourth lines in sequence you get an all new poem. it's all a little strange.
anyway this wasn't too constructive a critique, i learnt more from this than you will but i hope this helps a little anyway.

I get the idea and I like it, but you need to work on your flow.

The tears slide in rivers down my face – A flushed whore.The blade was in my hand so quickly – How I would die for love.

Am I getting the right idea when you say 'whore'.

The clouds darken as my blood slows – A repentant traitorLoving you til death do we part – How harshly the heart dies.

I like this part. Really cool.

I think it is nice but it does a little more work.

Ah, poetry. Art with words. I love things like this that grab the English language by the tongue and pull as hard as they can. Brilliance is rare, but I think this is innovative and enjoyable to read. Poems about dying for love are so common as to be pests, but this is most decidedly uncommon. Good work.

I liked how easily you describe situations; how you can make every sentence so perfectly poetic.

But for a moment I turned my back

The 'but' seems out of place. Maybe re-word it. It was for a moment that I turned my back Or simply get rid of the but.

My castle burns around me
- A fallen goddess.

This was my favourite- I loved it.

I'd have liked to see a final last line on it's own- right now I think it ends a little too suddenly.

Overall another great piece.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxx

It was nice, I would say. Not too much of a poem person so I can't critique well here. Nonetheless, your description and imagination gave me the emotion. Felt violent but silent at the same time. Probably a hidden rage and despair. Well, that's what it gave me. Good job.

I too, didn't get the "whore" line. Gave me the impression that the love wasn't sincere or something.

But as I said, not good with poems not good with poems! So may the penguins have mercy if my critique is not constructive or too picky.

,
Fye.

Most gratuitous thanks to you all for the commentation ^.^

The whore means what it seems to mean It is an indication of the kind of betrayal that has been discovered.

I don't think I presented the poem in the best way, it was meant to be alternating perspectives... perhaps if I made one set in italics or something... *thinks* Although if it works like this then I'll keep it.

I shall edit away... That whole flow thing was getting to me too. Hehe, for a first draft I am much thankful for all of the commentation. Tis muchas helpful.

Love you ALL ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin