Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster
Chapter 1

“Hey I’m glad you came. We’re going to watch Road of the Dead. It that’s okay with you.” The cheerleader said, blowing bubblegum in my face. Totally disgusting. And how can she wear that skirt. You can see her underwear when shes standing, when shes wearing them. And do the jocks just love it. “She leaned in to me and whispered, “I love to watch scary movies so when I act I’m scared the guys just lean in and try to be all manly and protect you.
I managed a fake laugh. It was harder than usual to act normal with these bimbos.
“Okay everything is set, now lets go get snacks and watch that vampire movie.”
I sighed an exasperated sigh. This was so waste of my time. I could be in my room and doing Calculus homework. Or something half as entertaing.
Erin, a half backer of the football team, circled my shoulders with his arm and dragged me closer to him. He leaned down and pulled my midnight ebony hair behind my ear and gently let air warm breath on my ear. I could smell the pot that he did before coming to the movies. I just merely looked up and smiled at him.
Eva, the cheerleader, came up to me and pulled on my hand. “Come on, lets go to the bathroom. We need to freshen up.” She smiled at Erin as she pulled me along with her.
She bent over the sink and applied a fresh seal of mascara and lipgloss. “So what do you think of Erin?” Eva asked.
“Um . . . He’s . . . you know, Erin.” I replied.
“Laura, you need to go out with him. He’s so hot and he has a great body. I heard he was good in bed. And he pays for everything.” My Biochemist Lab partner told me.
I smiled at her. “Well, in that case . . .”
“So you’ll go out with him?” She said hopefully, to the why, I don’t know.
“Lets just see what today brings.”
“Okay, well I bet the guys are waiting, come on.” She grabbed my hand and led me to the benches that are outside the theaters.
Dave, Eva’s boyfriend, and Erin were laughing at some asinine joke.
“Hey, baby.” Eva said and slid onto Dave’s lap and kissed him sharply. All the while, having an eye on me, like she was claiming property. Dave’s hand slid between her thighs to do only God knows what.
She broke off with a gasp and smiled at him. Desire flaring in her eyes. It sickened me. What girls these days do.
“Hey, sex maniacs, the movie is about to start, should we go in? Or wait until you slid your pants down, Dave?” Erin asked holding the bucket of popcorn.
“Hey, you want me to help you at?” I asked to get myself preoccupied.
“You don’t have to,” Eva piped up. “Erin, you can handle it, can’t you.” She said squeezing his biceps, all the while looking at me.
“Come on Eva, Laura.” Dave said as he walked into the theatre. No one helped hold the door open for the only guy that was carrying all of our snacks for us. At least I held the door open.
The movie started and I can already hear lip locking to my right. The movie was about some maniac vampire on the road killing everyone in each small town. Completely pathetic. Erin sat beside me, and Eva and Dave on the other side of me. Dave and Erin abruptly left to go outside.
It was like fifteen minutes when they came back. Erin made himself more comfortable when they returned. He leaned back in his chair. On the screen was this vampire biting into this chick’s neck.
Erin pulled my hair back from my neck and leaned down and bit it, not hard but the way he did it was disgusting. All I could think about was that ten minutes in the ally behind a store. How I raced home and stayed in the shower until the water turned ice-cold and my sister had to drag me out. I cleaned myself, over and over, and never felt completely clean.
He blew his breath on my neck, and the freshly smoked pot very evident.

Hey there! Just thought I'd let you know that we like members to critique two pieces of work for each one that they post so write a few revies before you submit another piece of writing.

Oh and this isn't a storybook so *moved to other fiction.*

Hmmm. I think you need to divide this into paragraphs first - makes it easier for the reader and your grammar is a little out in places but generally, you have some reasonable character description and it depicts teenage life very well. Perhaps add some more description of the scenery? Good characterization though and generally I like it. Here's a few suggestions for grammar and such -

“Hey I’m glad you came. We’re going to watch Road of the Dead. It that’s okay with you.” The [Should be a comma at the end of the speech and most people would tend to use a small letter for 'the' though admittedly I don't always.] cheerleader said, blowing bubblegum in my face.

You can see her underwear when she's standing, [Maybe a semi colon here?] when she's wearing [s]them[/s] any.

[s]“[/s]She leaned in to me and whispered, “I love to watch scary movies so when I act like I’m scared, the guys just lean in and try to be all manly and protect [s]you[/s] me.

“Okay everything is set, now let's go get snacks and watch that vampire movie.”

This was [s]so[/s] a waste of my time.

Or something half as entertaining.

He leaned down and pulled my midnight ebony hair behind my ear and gently let air warm breath on my ear. [The second half of this sentence is a little awkward. Maybe 'my ear and gently blew in it, his warm breath leaking inside my head.']

“Come on, let's go to the bathroom. We need to freshen up.”

“Um . . . He’s . . . you know, Erin.” I replied. [Again, should be a comma and a small letter.]

“Laura, you need to go out with him. He’s so hot and he has a great body. I heard he was good in bed. And he pays for everything.[s]”[/s] My Biochemist Lab partner told me. "

“Let's just see what today brings.”

“Hey, baby.” Eva said [Comma and small letter.] and slid onto Dave’s lap and kissed him sharply. All the while, [s]having[/s] she kept an eye on me, like she was claiming property.

What girls do these days [s]do[/s].

Or wait until you slide your pants down, Dave?”

“Hey, you want me to help you [s]at[/s] out?”

“Erin, you can handle it, can’t you.” She said Comma and small letter.] squeezing his biceps, all the while looking at me.

“Come on Eva, Laura.” Dave said [Comma and small letter.] as he walked into the theatre.

No one helped hold the door open for the only guy that was carrying all of our snacks for us. At least I held the door open. [You contradict yourself. Perhaps 'None of them' rather than 'No one.']

The movie started and I [s]can[/s] could already hear lip locking to my right.

Overall, I think you have a good start here but expand it, add description and tidy up your grammar. Hope some of this helps!

Heather xx

Hey. Just repeating what kitty said, it's polite to critique at least two pieces of writing before posting your first. And then when you do post, it's best to double space the writing to make it easier to read.

I like the plot and the characters. But your grammar's a little off and some of your paragraphs could be better developed. These are my suggestions-

"Hey I'm glad you came. We're going to watch Road of the Dead.
It that's okay with you." The cheerleader said, blowing bubblegum in
my face. Totally disgusting. And how can she wear that skirt. You can see
her underwear when shes standing, when shes wearing them. And do the
jocks just love it. "She leaned in to me and whispered, "I love to
watch scary movies so when I act I'm scared the guys just lean in and
try to be all manly and protect you.

"Hey, I'm glad you came," the cheerleader blew bubbles in my face. It was totally disgusting. "If that's okay with you, of course."

I didn't understand how she could wear that skirt. You could see her underwear when she stood up, when she was wearing them.

She leaned into me and whispered, "The jocks do love scary movies. And so do I, so I can act scared and the guys just lean in and try to be all manly."

I sighed an exasperated sigh. This was so waste of my time. I could be in my room and doing Calculus homework. Or something half as entertaing.

Ha! That is so funny!

Eva, the cheerleader, came up to me and pulled on my hand. "Come on, lets go to the bathroom. We need to freshen up." She smiled at Erin as she pulled me along with her.

Eva, the cheerleader who blew the gum. came up to me and tugged on my hand.

"Come on, let's go to the bathroom. We need to," she glanced at rin quickly and smiled, "freshen up."

She bent over the sink and applied a fresh seal of mascara and lipgloss. "So what do you think of Erin?" Eva asked.

"So what do you think of Erin?" she asked in the bathroom, while re-appling her lipgloss and mascara.

"Laura, you need to go out with him. He's so hot and he has a great
body. I heard he was good in bed. And he pays for everything." My
Biochemist Lab partner told me.

Eva laughed.

"Laura, you so need to go out with him," my biochemist lab partner told me. "He's so hot and he has a great bod. Plus I heard he's great in bed. And he pays for everything!"

The rest of the paragraphs seem okay apart from your formatting, which can be solved by a quick once-over before posting. Some issues- you never mentioned Eva being Laura's lab partner until they were in the bathroom. Before that she was just a cheerleader.

Apart from those things I liked it. It wasn't exactly original, but not much is these days in the way of teen fic. Keep posting! (And it's polite and smart to review others work. They will probably return the favour.)

Ha, wow sounds just like my high school Anyways, great story! I'd love if you added more detail so we get a better idea to who the characters really are and don't forget to space out the dialogue.

Tell me when there's more!

I really liked your story. Very realistic.^o^V The only thing that confused me was the narrator. I couldn't tell if this was a guy or girl, so it kinda weirded me out when that football player started to put moves on him/her... OO" Even when the one chick says "Laura" the voice still isn't clear. I can't tell if it's Dave talking, the girl in his lap, or Laura:) That's all I noticed. Interesting. ***I^o^I***